Would you want to know? (wife, boyfriend, mother-in-law, father-in-law)
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Ok, I just found out something tonight that has shaken me a little. My father-in-law, who has been married to my mother-in-law for over two decades, cheated on her. This happened about three or four years ago, and they have definitely worked through it from the looks of things.
They have an outstanding marriage. They really do. They always have. They are the model for what marriage should look like to many (including me) -- equals in everything, considerate and sensitive to each other and each other's needs. They also have eight kids together. My wife is the oldest. She doesn't know, and none of the other kids, with the possible exception of one, probably know either.
I went out drinking with his brother (my uncle-in-law) tonight, and it just kind of came out that he had a stupid one-time affair that devestated him. (Typical story ... got emotionally close to a woman he worked with not thinking anything wrong would come of it, and then oops .. how did that end up there????) He has come clean to his wife and ammended his ways.
Here's the thing .. I am very tempted to tell my wife about this. She definitely won't berate him. She's a big a girl. She understands life is complicated and humans are flawed. I can't see her bringing it up to anyone (any of the other siblings or to him). I'm sure whatever her reaction to it would be it would be mature and considered.
Still, should I tell her? I'm not accustomed to keeping secrets from her. She and I talk about everything, but this is just kind of .. I don't know .. icky. Personally, I feel kind of queasy about it. I look up to this guy in so many ways. He continues to be a very loving and supportive husband and father. I hope our marriage is as strong as his and my mother-in-laws when we are their ages, even in light of this information.
Would you tell? Do you think she would want to know? If for no other reason just to sharpen her understaning of how the world is? I'm particularly interested in hearing from women on this ... how would finding out your dad cheated on your mom affect your view of men (a dad no one would expect this from). If your husband knew, would you want him to tell you? Would keeping it from you feel like he's treating you like a child, sheilding you from the harsh realities of life?
Ok, I just found out something tonight that has shaken me a little. My father-in-law, who has been married to my mother-in-law for over two decades, cheated on her. This happened about three or four years ago, and they have definitely worked through it from the looks of things.
They have an outstanding marriage. They really do. They always have. They are the model for what marriage should look like to many (including me) -- equals in everything, considerate and sensitive to each other and each other's needs. They also have eight kids together. My wife is the oldest. She doesn't know, and none of the other kids, with the possible exception of one, probably know either.
I went out drinking with his brother (my uncle-in-law) tonight, and it just kind of came out that he had a stupid one-time affair that devestated him. (Typical story ... got emotionally close to a woman he worked with not thinking anything wrong would come of it, and then oops .. how did that end up there????) He has come clean to his wife and ammended his ways.
Here's the thing .. I am very tempted to tell my wife about this. She definitely won't berate him. She's a big a girl. She understands life is complicated and humans are flawed. I can't see her bringing it up to anyone (any of the other siblings or to him). I'm sure whatever her reaction to it would be it would be mature and considered.
Still, should I tell her? I'm not accustomed to keeping secrets from her. She and I talk about everything, but this is just kind of .. I don't know .. icky. Personally, I feel kind of queasy about it. I look up to this guy in so many ways. He continues to be a very loving and supportive husband and father. I hope our marriage is as strong as his and my mother-in-laws when we are their ages, even in light of this information.
Would you tell? Do you think she would want to know? If for no other reason just to sharpen her understaning of how the world is? I'm particularly interested in hearing from women on this ... how would finding out your dad cheated on your mom affect your view of men (a dad no one would expect this from). If your husband knew, would you want him to tell you? Would keeping it from you feel like he's treating you like a child, sheilding you from the harsh realities of life?
PLEASE, DO NOT TELL HER! This is not your story to share and there is nothing but heartache to be gained by sharing it.
PLEASE, DO NOT TELL HER! This is not your story to share and there is nothing but heartache to be gained by sharing it.
Thank you for responding. I know where you're coming from, somehow it just feels wrong to keep something of this magnitude from her. (Like a betrayal of sorts, if that makes sense.) I know that she would not use this information destructively ... but you're right .. what good would come of it? It just goes against every instinct I have not to talk to her about this. I am by nature a very open and communicative person, and we talk about everything. I know she won't hate her dad as a result of this. She'll just have a more nuanced view of him. Still, I'm definitely not convinced I should talk to her about it.
I was depressed over break-up with my boyfriend. I flew all the way back home for some healing. My parents have been together for close to 50 years. So I guess they were so upset over me being upset that they decided to share with me this "news". That my father slept with a woman (my parents took separate vacations when they were younger, why I still don't understand. Now you can't separate them with a laser.) while being on his vacation, and brought home STD. I guess, they wanted to let me know that even exemplar men, can cheat.
No, I didn't want and I don't want to know this. My parents are together so, obviously they worked through their problem. How should it concern me? I knew theirs was a fortunate marriage, and it should have better stayed that way.
It felt like they tried to add some mud to my picture of them, to lower my expectations of men in general. A bad idea. Something I didn't and don't want to know.
My opinion of their marriage has not changed much, and I could have lived without that piece of dirt.
Of course you shouldn't tell her! I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you're a bit too enamored with the family "skeletons in the closet." I mean, what on Earth does the father-in-law's long-resolved affair have to do with this case? Do you really want to create drama? A family member shared something with you and I'd bet he didn't expect you to blab it to others and reopen old wounds.
Edit: OK, I reread it and I think I'm confused. Did the father-in-law AND brother-in-law have affairs or was it just the father-in-law? It isn't clear if the brother-in-law was talking about himself or his brother. Don't know why the brother-in-law would be dredging this up but I still don't think he'd want you blabbing it to your wife and creating a big family crisis. If her parents are OK now and stable why on Earth would you want to force them to re-visit it all with their kids? That sounds really cruel.
Thank you for responding. I know where you're coming from, somehow it just feels wrong to keep something of this magnitude from her. (Like a betrayal of sorts, if that makes sense.) I know that she would not use this information destructively ... but you're right .. what good would come of it? It just goes against every instinct I have not to talk to her about this. I am by nature a very open and communicative person, and we talk about everything. I know she won't hate her dad as a result of this. She'll just have a more nuanced view of him. Still, I'm definitely not convinced I should talk to her about it.
Go to your grave with this information and do it because you love your wife so much. Protect her from this thing that can bring nothing positive to her life. You may feel like you won't feel right unless you tell her, but just think of how wrong she will feel if you do!!
Don't you see it is much better for you to bear this burden for her as her protector than to make her feel this pain?
Of course you shouldn't tell her! I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you're a bit too enamored with the family "skeletons in the closet." I mean, what on Earth does the father-in-law's long-resolved have to do with this case? Do you really want to create drama? A family member shared something with you and I'd bet he didn't expect you to blab it to others and reopen old wounds.
Trust me, I'm not trying to create drama teatime. You don't know my wife. This would definitely *not* create drama, because her reaction to it would not be dramatic. She has a very keen and compassionate understanding of human nature. If I thought there was any chance that this would stir anything up, I would definitely not tell .. I'm just curious if this is something she'd want to know .. judging from the early posts, I'm guessing ... NO!
Whenever I have the option to share information that is not my personal story the first question I ask is : What benefit is there in sharing this information? In this instance I can't see anyone being better off for your sharing. And shame on the drunk who couldn't keep HIS mouth closed. Kudos to a couple who could look to the positive and work thru such an ugly time. Me I don't have any illusions I would be so forgiving. Do not tell your wife. IF she ASKS you are honor bound to tell what you know but I would be sure to state the source-drunken rememberences are not always trustworthy.
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Kudos to a couple who could look to the positive and work thru such an ugly time. Me I don't have any illusions I would be so forgiving. Do not tell your wife. IF she ASKS you are honor bound to tell what you know but I would be sure to state the source-drunken rememberences are not always trustworthy. 
