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Cosmic- they have been together 16 years.......................they are not 21 years old. Please. I am also tired of the victim mentality and psychodrama.
You make the bed, you lie in it.
sunny
Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 05-02-2007 at 10:45 PM..
Reason: a long time to be married-wow
I sure hope not, they do not deal with facts. We are talking judgements based totally on precanned prejudice and personal opinion, not on the facts presented.
Picture yourself in the hotseat and a bunch of peeps using these methods to judge you. They do not even clearly know the facts but have already condemned the dude.
no one is "condemning"" anyone. It takes two to tango . It also takes two to screw up a marriage. It is never 100% the other persons fault- male OR female- I am not taking sides and I dont watch Oprah/Dr Phil.
Cosmic, I judge people by their behavior. I'm not interested in what led up to it, because people can choose how they react in any given situation. If the husband had a problem with the wife, he could have tried talking to her, asked her to go to marriage counseling, any number of things that could have helped their marriage rather than hurt it. If any of those didn't work, he could have divorced her and then begun messing around at work with whoever.
If I were behaving the way he is, I'd deserve to be judged just as harshly. We can't help what we feel, but we can certainly help what we do.
Did it ever occur to you that therapists and counselors deal with only one person's side of a situation all the time? Could that person's perception be flawed? Of course. We all see life through our own filter made up of our own experiences, but at the same time, there should be some standards of behavior, some things that are never okay, should never be excused, no matter what.
Off topic for a moment, I had to sit there in a courtroom and listen to a defense attorney try to argue that my ex-husband (and my daughter's father) molested her because he was "under stress", and therefore it was excusable. Luckily, the judge wasn't swayed, and my ex served five years in prison. In my opinion, society begins to break down when people don't judge enough.
I'm not trying to highjack this thread, so please keep to the topic... (She says in her "moderator voice"!)
If I were behaving the way he is, I'd deserve to be judged just as harshly. We can't help what we feel, but we can certainly help what we do.
________________________________
Yep- Thanks sandyco!!! I dont side w/ male OR female-but alot of times the one crying victim and prolonging the agony in a divorce has alot more to answer to-
Tell your friend to follow him to the place he has breakfast with his lady friend, go in, sit down at thier table and order a cup of coffee and introduce herself as the Mrs. ..that should take care of the question of rather she and he are truely just friends or if there is really something to worry about.
IMO you can only give as much advice as the person wants to hear. They'll ultimately do what they want in the end.
With my comment I was just as harsh on the "other" woman who is not only deceiving her husband, but hell bent on destroying a marriage and possibly a family.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that there are no little ones involved. It's a whole new ball game then. Those innocents must come first no matter what!
Cosmic- sorry I have to ask and will check in tomorrow- what about your relationships- what is your experience?
S
I just basically find most of these so called standards absurd. They do not "Own" each other. I just see it as a form of social freedom. Dude wants to have a meal with somebody else in his working day. Sounds fine to me.
To me the standard is a lot of social freedom with anybody. They should not be bunking down with somebody else. That is the big no-no. Everything else is probably ok within limits. Maybe about like the Other Woman's husband, what is the big deal???
Most of this petty stuff just causes a super amount of problems. Let each other have enough independence to have a happy life. Was always my principals and how I've done things. Always been a pretty happy arrangement, never disagreements, few incidents where she got off the reservation, I never did. Neither has to go around explaning every waking minute and who did what. Tell me what is important, forget the petty stuff. Do not make mole hills into mountains.
Way too much of this just seems super insecure peeps with messed up principles. If somebody does something, consider the facts, forgive is the best remedy; if it a one time deal. Do not hold grudges, do not bring up past events to make futile points, forget it. Basically you have to like being with each other or what is the point? Always be nice to each other, try to accomodate all their needs, do not hassle each other. DO NOT attempt to argue with me. State the case, find the solution in a civil manner. Neither should be doing destructive things. I never want one joined at hip, she should be able run her own life, if I am not there for what ever reason. I should be able to trust her.
Just seems so common sense to me. Do not play these mind games with lines drawn where nobody wins. Be flexible and able to find a common ground. If not; it can not work. Find a routine that works. Do not blame others.
This entire thing seems much ado over nothing, providing they are not sleeping together on the sly. Get over it. The next partner will probably be far worse.
Been basically what I attempted to do. It works, I never married any of them, some of them lasted for many years. Nobody got hurt in the process. Always pretty picky up front for somebody who can see things in that vein. Do not get tangled up with the wrong ones.
With those type principles most of these big problems that get aired around here would not occur and a whole lot of nothing would probably happen. I totally hate this idea I have to police the chicken coop every waking minute of the day. If something happens and I ask a question always tell me the truth. Consider the consequences including the effects of what spliting the blanket will mean. Do not do drastic actions lightly.
This abandon ship mentality over stupid petty reasons is a sure method to achieve an unhappy life for just about everyone involved. But it seems to be the only method, some folks can envision. Prime candidates for the monastery or nunnery, even there they might manage to find their share of big problems. Lives full of stupid petty rules.
Are they really just meeting for lunch? Or really getting a hotel room at noon? That is the question.
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Would you put any of these people on a jury.....
