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Now, jtj, I say this with love...you need to get some counseling to bring your self esteem out of the toilet. You and your husband are hurting your son with this volatile, emotionally fake, and barren marriage. You aren't hiding a thing. Your kid isn't an idiot. The only person you're hiding the truth from is yourself. Best thing to do is make a plan with a lawyer to get the child support and alimony you will need to start over. Why wait for him to sock away the money and leave you in the dust 10 years from now when it will be MUCH harder to start a career. Ageism makes it beyond difficult to get hired. Don't run from the situation when you can spend time (with help) solving it.
You could create a happy loving relationship if you take one step at a time.
Jayjay, does he know? If not, then yup, the next man I'd see would be a counselor. If so, then take him with you tot he counselor! You want to stop, but maybe you just need that extra hand. I'll be your cheerleader!
He was suspicious once, but he had never asked if I have been with other men, nor brings the subject. I don't want to be a compulsive cheater like my dad: he had always cheated on all his wives and girlfriends.
Yesterday, I decide to look for professional help, and I'm ok with additional help.
Anything to control my urges: my spouse is an amazing man, and I'm always happy when I'm with him. He makes me super happy, but when he's away (because of our jobs) I'd better try to stay faithful.
I wouldn't be upset if he did the same (purely sexual affaires, like the ones I have: two or three times, and then I switch to somebody else), but it would break my heart if he falls for somebody else (something I have never done).
He was suspicious once, but he had never asked if I have been with other men, nor brings the subject.
Yesterday, I decide to look for professional help, and I'm ok with additional help.
Anything to control my urges: my spouse is an amazing man, and I'm always happy when I'm with him. He makes me super happy, but when he's away (because of our jobs) I'd better try to stay faithful.
You don't even sound sure you can stay faithful. If your husband isn't a moron he will pick up on this.
Jayjay, I'm proud of of you! Hang in there. You can beat this. I know you can.
I wish my husband's affairs were purely sexual. He seems to play the "my wife is so bad to me" game whenever he finds a sensitive ear, and I guess some women find that attractive. They want to fix everything for him, I think. It doesn't matter, I know the truth. That's how I can keep going. I know I am a good wife. A rotten housekeeper for sure, but a good wife and mother. I purely believe I'd be doing my son a big disservice in keeping him from his dad. He just doesn't need to know everything on the planet about him, that's all. I'm sure there are a lot about the dynamics of my parents' relationship I don't know, and that is probably a good thing. We don't argue or fight, and I never say a bad word about husband, I was going to say in front of the kids, but really, anywhere but here, I guess! His job makes it hard to spend time together at all. We try to do family things when he does get a day. I guess I'm just plain dedicated to my son, and in the process, maybe I can eventually get a 1000th of the respect I deserve from my husband. He doesn't mistreat me, except in this one way. He's a very Archie Bunker kind of guy, right down to the soft side he doesn't like to admit he has. I do get tired of being taken for granted, which is why I decided last October that I was going to do something for myself, in going back to school and finishing my degree. He was and is very supportive of that. Good thing, since it's on his dime... lol...
In August of 2007, just after the second, um, problem we had, I encouraged him to take the transfer that brought us where we live now. It was very difficult for the kids, but they have finally assimilated. Tell me THAT wasn't a hard decision to make... I know you just cheated on me... AGAIN... (both times after an extended convalescence that entailed his being in a wheelchair and off work for a year) but sure, let's move away from all of our family and friends. Maybe it will be a new start. I must admit, for the most part, this has been very good for us, as a couple and a family. Might be time to move again... he's familiar wtih the locals!
I know I'm rambling, and I'm sorry, but in all seriousness, I know that I've made this bed in deciding after the first one to stick it out, and now, I have to lie in it. This I do with eyes wide open, and tongue firmly in cheek for the most part. I married him, we have a family, and this is my life, both the good and the not so much. Happiness is where you make it. Sometimes, I wish I had made mine on the beach in Jamaica... LOL Thanks so much everyone for listening, and to the OP, sorry for hijacking your post. You're awesome, too. Good luck with the BF situation.
Jayjay, I'm proud of of you! Hang in there. You can beat this. I know you can.
I wish my husband's affairs were purely sexual. He seems to play the "my wife is so bad to me" game whenever he finds a sensitive ear, and I guess some women find that attractive. They want to fix everything for him, I think. It doesn't matter, I know the truth. That's how I can keep going. I know I am a good wife. A rotten housekeeper for sure, but a good wife and mother. I purely believe I'd be doing my son a big disservice in keeping him from his dad. He just doesn't need to know everything on the planet about him, that's all. I'm sure there are a lot about the dynamics of my parents' relationship I don't know, and that is probably a good thing. We don't argue or fight, and I never say a bad word about husband, I was going to say in front of the kids, but really, anywhere but here, I guess! His job makes it hard to spend time together at all. We try to do family things when he does get a day. I guess I'm just plain dedicated to my son, and in the process, maybe I can eventually get a 1000th of the respect I deserve from my husband. He doesn't mistreat me, except in this one way. He's a very Archie Bunker kind of guy, right down to the soft side he doesn't like to admit he has. I do get tired of being taken for granted, which is why I decided last October that I was going to do something for myself, in going back to school and finishing my degree. He was and is very supportive of that. Good thing, since it's on his dime... lol...
In August of 2007, just after the second, um, problem we had, I encouraged him to take the transfer that brought us where we live now. It was very difficult for the kids, but they have finally assimilated. Tell me THAT wasn't a hard decision to make... I know you just cheated on me... AGAIN... (both times after an extended convalescence that entailed his being in a wheelchair and off work for a year) but sure, let's move away from all of our family and friends. Maybe it will be a new start. I must admit, for the most part, this has been very good for us, as a couple and a family. Might be time to move again... he's familiar wtih the locals!
I know I'm rambling, and I'm sorry, but in all seriousness, I know that I've made this bed in deciding after the first one to stick it out, and now, I have to lie in it. This I do with eyes wide open, and tongue firmly in cheek for the most part. I married him, we have a family, and this is my life, both the good and the not so much. Happiness is where you make it. Sometimes, I wish I had made mine on the beach in Jamaica... LOL Thanks so much everyone for listening, and to the OP, sorry for hijacking your post. You're awesome, too. Good luck with the BF situation.
~D
jtjmom, it is your life. Remember that when you don't know which way to go. As long as you can hang in there and you know what direction you're heading, don't let my posts get you down. You do seem strong and willing to keep going with the marriage. Everyone makes choices, and this is yours. Since you are his wife and feel that you are doing what's best, I encourage you to keep going. It is only your life and only you know what is best in your situation . I want you to know that I wish you strength and wisdom. And get your education so that you can have a career and something else to look forward to when your kids are all grown. The path you have chosen is hard, so you will need help. Ask for it to those closest to you or to counselors, even if your husband won't go with you, go alone. You need all the help you can get. I wish you blessings.
Behavior is adapative. A child who grows up in an environment where a parent practices deception may adapt deceptive behavior. Whether the deception is true to what is occurring is difficult to determine especially where a child is capable of improving an ability to deceive through time. A child's perception is often filled with ideas that simply are not based in reality.
I've raised my children to be honest. I punish lies not acts. So if my child lies the penalty is heavy. (However the standard is different for my spouse) My children, however, do not have a role model for deception as neither of us lie to each other (although I have asked for granting me certain illusions...not the same thing.) Any act of deception from a child is met with stern resistance and little cooperation. And, we have had several issues as any parent may have.
Violence by a child is an act that is punished immediately. Few acts of a child are punished otherwise because it is not about that act that requires punishment (and usually the lack of an act such as completing homework, chores, etc.) A child's bad acts, or lack of acting properly, requires behavior modification. This is quite a long topic and one that involves serious commitment. If either parent practices violence in front of a child, even if arguing with vengance, then each parent needs to work on the reasons why. No violence should be displayed before a child.
Reaching out as a parent is a good first step. Finding suitable help is a challenge especially if funds are tight. I suggest that you look to educate yourself about your own needs as well as those of your child. It may be that you need to work hard on yourself before you can help. Think about yourself and what you may be contributing to the issue, or not bringing forth support or direction where you should or could. Be careful not to over react as children pick up on this and often take the wrong message.
If he is cheating then this is an issue between you and he. If he is working on his issues then maybe there is hope for the marriage. Adverse effect upon children is something that should not be permitted and every divorce is difficult on children.
Some marriages must end for the better cause of children. Others require more work. Not an easy decision.
Wish you the best of luck.
I couldn't concur more!!!
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