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The point is if she can't take care of herself now, is she going to do it in the future?
If the OP is worried about her appearance now, what is he going to think about when she has stretch marks and is tired all the time from dealing with the kids/work/etc.
It won't last. If there is no attraction how do yu keep it going?
She is 21 years old. She might not even know about this. Perhaps if someone actually told her, she might see it herself? It doesn't mean that she will accept it, nor to change. But as long as she knows it, she can take her own time and change it.
He's not trying to marry her, nor is he trying to get into a deep relationship with her. What he is doing is trying to show why he is not attracted to her. It might be cruel, but she needs to hear it sooner or later. Rather from him than some random drunk guy saying it in a bar.
As i said in my above post. We're not talking about things like weight, or stretch marks. We're talking about small things that EVERYONE should do. Teeth, hair and so on.
I'm rather sure that he's not going to get into any relationship with her. And as i said in my first post, he should just leave her. But to be honest, she have the right to know why.
maybe it could be a new years resolution, to tell every woman why he's not attracted to them, and put the world to rights ?
then they'll all wake up and realise how great utopia is.
people on the bus, the train, the girl on the till in the shop......
Quote:
Originally Posted by I Amuse Myself
What he is doing is trying to show why he is not attracted to her.
You do have a point.. Honestly.. I'm not sure if I am attracted to her, or not. I haven't dated in like a year so I may just be "blind" rightnow.. I think I am just going to continue being myself, and being nice to her, and just see what she does, and what happens.. I don't think I will make a committment to "going steady" until I am totally forsure she is for me, and I will have some kind of attraction to her that isn't blind.. I mean the things I am talking about is little things which she may be lazy about, or just may not like doing.. We just started talking a day, or so ago so this all still new at this point. I'm going to wait it out, and see what happens.. We'll talk, go out and have fun, and just enjoy each other, and I will see if she continues this same pattern.. Like someone said previously, she could just be testing me to see what I will take, or what exactly I expect.. I told her on the phone to just be herself because if anything lasting starts I want it to be based on truth, honesty, and respect.. I guess we will see what happens.. I'll keep you all updated!
You can't change her. Only she can change her. Don't ever take on a relationship with the thought of changing your SO. It won't work.
Whatever she has or doesn't have looks wise is temporary. It always fades. That's why you need to be attracted to her in other ways. If she has basic hygiene issues now.....it only becomes harder to maintain as you age.
It could be also that she is clinically depressed. Many people let hygiene go when they are depressed. If that is the case, she'll need some therapy, not just a tooth brush.
I understand that.. I just really think she has a really nice inside, and I will just have to see how she takes care of herself in the next few times we meet, or go on a date.. I don't want to throw her out for this one time.. I have a big heart, and I really want to like people, and I suppose I do want to really like her because I am sick of stupid relationships that turn into nothing, and I am ready to move into the future slowly, but it sucks trying to date people... She seems really genuine, and open with me so I would feel really bad to throw everything due to this.. So I'm going to check it out further, and see how she acts in the future.. Honestly, I think she would want to brush her teeth, and such.. I just don't know more personal like her family cant afford it, or they just ran out, anything like that..
Suprise.. Suprise! I started talking to a girl, and we ate dinner together yesterday, and such.. Well.. She seems really nice, but she's not the prettiest girl in the world by any means! I mean she doesnt take care of herself at all! I don't know if I could get her to start, or not, but remember I am 21.. She is 21.. I mean she doesnt take care of herself by.. Well her breath stunk yesterday evening, and I'm not sure that it was from what we ate(i ate chicken wings.. she ate a buritto thing) but her breath stunk! Also, she doesnt really wear makeup, or try to hide the dry skin on her face, or really fix her hair.. Atleast she didnt fix her hair yesterday.. She's been hurt before, and honestly is kind of "easy". I'm not sure if I say she is "easy" because she is just being really open, and such with me because she finds a rare connection with me, or if she acts like that to everyone.. I would prefer her to atleast take care of herself.. She has yellow colored teeth, and I wish she would whiten them, and fix her hair, and atleast use foundation on her face.. I think the only makeup she wore yesterday was eyelash stuff.
Should I just pass her by, or since I like her inside.. Should I hint that she needs to take care of herself?
Would you date someone who is ugly on the outside, but pretty on the inside?
Do you understand what I mean by take care of herself? I'm not sure if she is just too poor, or if that is actually just how she feels she should go around.. I plan to maybe see her again to see what she dresses like then, and such before a final decision, but what do you think I should do?
Bro, I want you to think about something for a moment: All women want to feel beautiful. I don't care what they say, or how much of a "tom-boy" they are, they DO want to feel beautiful.
You mentioned something about getting to the root of the problem. That's not as easy as it sounds, but generally, women don't do their best to look attractive because of two reasons: 1. A lack of confidence, or 2. A lack of knowledge.
Personality always matters more than appearance. You can always change your appearance, but it's almost impossible to change your personality. You are who you are, and that's all there is to it.
There are a lot of things that you can do, but this does not work:
Quote:
Originally Posted by DreamDriven
I thought about continuing to date her, and just doing little things that may make her feel more confident.. Like my one example.. "Hey I am going to start whitening my teeth" You wanna try it together?" or.. Hey looks at this awesome automatic toothbrush, and this new toothpaste, and such.. Hey you wanna go get you some new makeup today, or you wanna go browse the mall and look at girl stuff. Stuff like that..
Believe it or not, she'll see through that. It'll make her feel unattractive, and will only make the matter worse.
But, my friend, all hope is not lost.
Again, all women want to feel beautiful. This is key here.. so, how do you make a woman feel beautiful?
Emotionally
She has a great personality, but at the same time, her appearance leaves a little to be desired. This is where the whole "positive re-enforcement" comes into play. Everytime that she does something that enhances her appearance, make a big deal about it. Tell her how beautiful it makes her look. "Swoon" over her. She'll enjoy the attention so much that she'll want to do the same thing again and again..
Physically
So, combine this with the "positive re-enforcement", and you have a perfect match. But, this one takes quite a bit of work on your part. I've done this many times before, and it's always had a great outcome.
The key is this: Make looking good fun! What you mentioned above doesn't work, but that's what a lot of people do. Sure, if she was your co-worker, that might be the right approach, but this isn't the case. This is someone that you're interested in.
How do you make it fun? Surprises always work. Do your research first, find out what the latest women's styles are for her particular body type, find out the latest hair styles, the latest accessories, etc. Once you know that, take her to the mall and "pretend" that you're a fashion expert. Pick out things that you absolutely know she'll look stunning in - something classy. Have her try them on while you're there. Have her "model" herself, and then make a great big deal about it. Turn to the person next to you and say, "Man, is she hot or what??" Tease her about it, but make her feel sexy.. Just by changing the style of clothes she wears will have a huge impact on things..
So, now that you've bought her a couple outfits, take her to get her hair done. Remember, this is a date, and you want to surprise her. Take her in but don't let her pick out her hair style - leave that up to the stylist. They're professionals (most of the time), so they should know what they're doing. Maybe get her some highlights.. Again, this will have another huge impact.
Alright, so now she's feeling all good and sexy, and you're more than happy with the results, now take her out and get pictures taken. Someplace classy - and make them work for thier money. Thing is, this is all done to make her feel beautiful - and if you do it right, this will Definitly make her feel that. After the pictures are done, then cap it off by taking her to a nice resturaunt or something..
This accomplishes several things: 1. It boosts her confidence. 2. Once she sees herself in the mirror, and realizes what a massive change it's made, she'll want to continue to feel that way. 3. It will encourage her to go farther - I mean, she's done everything else, now it's plainly obvious that she hasn't brushed her teeth, and she'll see that.
It takes a bit of work, but if you've met someone who has an amazing personality, I think it's worth it.
Normally I wouldn't advocate trying to change someone just to make them fit into the "mold" of what we find attractive, nor would I advocate passing someone by just because their outside doesn't match their inside, but in this case it sounds like you really like this girl and are going to give it a try regardless So with that, I offer you my suggestions -
Make an appointment at the salon (yes, salon...not a barber shop) to get a hair cut. Make a date with her to do something...but not something specific. A "play it by ear" kind of date. When you pick her up, tell her that you forgot all about a hair cut appointment and does she mind coming along with you; you feel horrible about it but it takes weeks to get these appointments and you'd hate to cancel. Assuming she will agree, tell her you'll make it up to her; you don't want to have her just sit there, especially since it's your fault that you spaced the appointment...pay for a cut for her; maybe even just a style. Nails done. Whatever services the salon offers.
To conquer the bad breath (or at least mask it some) - keep gum or breath mints in your pocket and when you take some out for yourself, offer some to her too.
The teeth discoloration - get a whitening kit, put it in a bag on the passenger's seat; when she gets in and as you're getting ready to throw it in the back seat tell her you got an extra kit and need to return it to the store. Ask her if she's ever used the stuff...ask her in a small talk kind of way. Maybe she'll say no, in which case you can ask her if she wants try it - tell her it'll save you the trouble of having to run to the store just to bring it back.
The make-up thing....go to a department store and walk past one of the cosmetics counters - as close as you can get. Those salespeople are ALWAYS trying to reel people in. They'll pretty her up in the hopes that she will buy the products. If she's smiley and giggly when it's done, offer to buy her something.
Or you could just wait it out and see if simply being in a relationship will make her feel more confident and in turn, make her want to concentrate more on her appearance.
Whatever you do, OP....just be subtle about it. Try one thing and gauge her reaction. If it goes over well...move on to the next thing. Tread carefully because if she has low self-esteem to begin with, any attempt at trying to do something...even with the very best of intentions...could backfire. Badly. It has the potential to push her self-esteem even lower if not approached in the right way.
Good luck.
ETA: Geez, my posts are getting almost as long as UB's!!
er.. um, and what exactly does that mean?? Are you saying that my posts are too long? I know, I'm full of hot air, but hey, I'm cool with that.
And yes, great advice!! I'd rep ya, but, ya know, gotta spread the love..
It's all in good fun, UB. You know I enjoy your posts!
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So with that, I offer you my suggestions - 
