Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've known a few people like this (men and women). They drop their friends as soon as they have a girlfriend/boyfriend; then when the relationship ends they come back to their friends and expect things to be just like they were before. It gets old after a while, and I'm no longer in touch with one former friend who did this. She only had time to hang out, and go to movies, shop, etc. when she wasn't in a relationship. When she was single, she expected me to be available to do whatever, with her.
I agree it's not right, but cut her some slack, TT. People get excited, particularly after long dry spells.
I've known a few people like this (men and women). They drop their friends as soon as they have a girlfriend/boyfriend; then when the relationship ends they come back to their friends and expect things to be just like they were before. It gets old after a while, and I'm no longer in touch with one former friend who did this. She only had time to hang out, and go to movies, shop, etc. when she wasn't in a relationship. When she was single, she expected me to be available to do whatever, with her.
Well, this is not a new boyfriend...she just values the men in her life more than she does her family...always been this way...
Hey, you don't keep her warm in the cold nights, do ya?! The lady has her priorities!
Seriously, I know the kids were disappointed, but I think most of them are too young to be told what her behavior is really about.
Yeah, she only had the older kids today and we have already chatted about it...told them her actions have nothing to do with them and she has always been this way and they will either have to learn to accept her decisions or not spend less time with her...
Location: Big Island- Hawaii, AK, WA where the whales are!
1,490 posts, read 4,183,511 times
Reputation: 796
Depending on the age yes let them know either way it isn't them. Explaining how Grandma is for boyfriends isn't the best action either. One if they are old enough and mature enough to see her pattern. It isn't good for anyone to seen as putting down a family member one to another.
To your orginal questions. Do they change? My mother did kinda. Now it is just complaining about him and his kids (grown) and having the grandkids more than she always wanted. Not mine. In my situation it is all about the man - god help them if they gave me any attention (including my father) over her.
The sad thing is these type of people are always going to need an authority person to give them the self esteam they get from each situation and person. I would set her down and make rules for being with the kids. One bad on you, do it again bad on me, third time - you won't see your grandkids till you fullfill your commitments you made for your time with them. And explain this now before it gives the kids any type of complex. Ignoring or excusing her behavior is not a good example to them.
It shouldn't be a kids decision to decide if they want to have a negative influence upon them. Good luck!!!
Odd thread title, I know, but hang in there with me...
As many of you know, my mother and I have had a strained relationship my entire life and this past spring her father died so we reconnected after 5 years of being estranged.
Without getting into too much detail, my entire life my mother would have friends or date men and her entire personality would change, she would morph her own interests into their interests (crazy ones that DID NOT fit her personality), clothing style would change, she would change plans with her children and family at the last minute if something better came along with her new beau or friend. Needless to say, this was quite painful since we always knew we were second fiddle, so to speak.
So, jump ahead to the present. I have started letting her see my children again and my older kids got home today and one was in tears. She had taken them Christmas shopping for me and the kids were starting to take a vote on the gift when her phone rang...it was her boyfriend. Until this point, my mother was telling the kids she would eat dinner with us tonight, help make cookies, etc. after they returned home from their shopping trip.
As soon as she hung up with her boyfriend, she told my kids "Let's pick this up next weekend...I need to get home and take a rest".......or in other words, "my boyfriend just called, he wants to go out so I need to ditch you guys and hustle!"
These are facts I have known for years and I know she cannot/ will not change but now I need to explain these things to my children.
The questions I am posing are these...
1) Anyone know someone else who does this?
2)How do you deal with them?
3) Do they change ?
4) Is it even worth bringing the issue to the forefront?
One of my best friends (who you actually remind me of ) has a mother just like this. It has been very difficult for my friend, who is a steller person - very accomplished, very much someone you'd want to know. While this has made her very sad over the years - to always play second fiddle to the boyfriend/husband de jour, my friend has dealt with it by establishing clear boundries with her mom.
First of all, she limits her calls with her to once a week. During that phone call the minute mom becomes distracted by the boyfriend, or has to put my friend on hold to answer one of his calls, my friend repeats the same mantra - you are obviously not really interested in what we were discussing so we'll try again next week - bye mom, love ya! - and then she hangs up.
Also, her kids are older now (high school and college) but when they were younger she never let them be alone with "mom". She supervised everything they did together and if conversation got inappropriate or mom became otherwise engaged, my friend would tell he kids to "say bye to Grandma and tell her you'll she her another time". Then she up and left the woman.
Now, you would think after years of this the whack job mom would take a hint or get a clue - but no, nothing ever changes. We think her mom is just too pathological to ever "get it". In a situation like that, when you know there will never be change, you quit expecting it and just minimize the damage
Sorry this is your situation with your mom - that sucks.
Odd thread title, I know, but hang in there with me...
As many of you know, my mother and I have had a strained relationship my entire life and this past spring her father died so we reconnected after 5 years of being estranged.
Without getting into too much detail, my entire life my mother would have friends or date men and her entire personality would change, she would morph her own interests into their interests (crazy ones that DID NOT fit her personality), clothing style would change, she would change plans with her children and family at the last minute if something better came along with her new beau or friend. Needless to say, this was quite painful since we always knew we were second fiddle, so to speak.
So, jump ahead to the present. I have started letting her see my children again and my older kids got home today and one was in tears. She had taken them Christmas shopping for me and the kids were starting to take a vote on the gift when her phone rang...it was her boyfriend. Until this point, my mother was telling the kids she would eat dinner with us tonight, help make cookies, etc. after they returned home from their shopping trip.
As soon as she hung up with her boyfriend, she told my kids "Let's pick this up next weekend...I need to get home and take a rest".......or in other words, "my boyfriend just called, he wants to go out so I need to ditch you guys and hustle!"
These are facts I have known for years and I know she cannot/ will not change but now I need to explain these things to my children.
The questions I am posing are these...
1) Anyone know someone else who does this?
2)How do you deal with them?
3) Do they change ?
4) Is it even worth bringing the issue to the forefront?
1) YES!!! I have been her great friend for 14 plus years!!!
2) I just let her be! I have also changed so a lot of things I just excuse and pass off as changes, but there have been some obvious things that I have just ignored!
3) She changes all the time!!! He political standpoint depends on who she's dating, her favorite cocktail varies from who she's hanging out with!
4) NO!!! Again, I just ignore these things. I realize that my friend is still trying to 'figure' out who she is!
She's a narcissist and will always be, nothing will change that. My wifes mother was the same way and she just tried to limit their contact to the bare minimum.
There were several times over the years she had to have a talk with her mother which would do good for a few months then it was back to being all about her.
Bette Midler had a great line in one of her movies that sums up people like your mom:
Enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think about me ?
She will always be clueless and never understand how she treats you guys.
mrstewart, your mothers to old for this crap. I wouldn't make a big deal about it around the kids, just keep limited contact. An entire day may be to much "family" for your mom to handle.
mrstewart, your mothers to old for this crap. I wouldn't make a big deal about it around the kids, just keep limited contact. An entire day may be to much "family" for your mom to handle.
You are right...she is too old for this mess...it is sad to watch someone her age with absolutely no sense of self! She is like clay and can be sculpted into whatever she needs to be to please the person she is with...
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
People get excited, particularly after long dry spells.
The lady has her priorities!
