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I need help, please anybody. I thought this through as far as I can but I got stuck somewhere and my confidants said I should rather ask a woman that is not family for advice, so here I am. I need help about a girl friend of mine; it's quite a long story and I have only written about things I can remember, as I wanted to give a good description.
She is 3 years older than me, I'm 23 and she is 26. She has a 16 months old baby boy but the dad wants nothing to do with them and they weren't married. I get along well with the little one, he has even started reaching out toward me. We live in a very small town, I live with my parents on a farm just outside town and she in the hostel where she is a teacher at and I'm a second year student studying to be a teacher. We've known each other for about 8 months now, we met when I had to do my teaching practice at the local school where she just started working. We became friends in my time there and 3 months after we met, the school holiday came and I had to leave I thought I'd never see her again so I gave her a present, a CD containing quotes from famous people, as she is the language teacher I'd thought she'd appreciate it. She gave me a volume of verse only a few weeks earlier and I didn’t want to do the same. I can probably mention now that when we became friends even some of the other teachers thought we had a romantic relationship because of the time we spent together and not long after that some stories developed about us which made my friend extremely upset as she doesn't like it when people talk about her.
After she played the CD she called me explaining that her boyfriend of the time was furious and that she wanted me to know that our relationship will never progress beyond friendship. I told her that, that more than friendship was never my intentions; it was purely a good bye gift. Not long after that they broke up and she texted me inviting me to go visit her at her house, weekends she lives on her mother’s second husband’s farm in a neighbouring town, I couldn't go though
The next term arrived and we spent a lot of time together and she came to my house 8 out of the 11 Thursdays in that term. Thursday afternoons are the only day that she doesn’t have any obligations at school. The second week of school she invited me to go along to visit her brothers one weekend but her mother, unknowingly of our arrangement, arranged for her to take some furniture. She phoned me and in tears explained this, I suggested we go out for coffee in a neighbouring town just to get her mind off things. The time came when she had to go to a very good friend of her's wedding and she didn't ask me to go with her and she didn’t have a date, not being asked was fine as the wedding was held at a very expensive lodge and being a student makes expensive lodges slightly out of reach but I had to help arrange all her arrangements for the weekend with her. At the end of the day around midnight she was still a little nervous and I can't remember what I said but after that we hugged for about 5 seconds
We are almost at the present. The last term started and we didn't see a lot of each other. When one day out of the blue after about 3 weeks she texted me asking when will she see me again or whether I was upset with her about something. I had some time off so I thought I quickly drop in. We arranged for me to visit her that evening. We went to do some shopping and I took the job of carrying and looking after her young one, I like doing it anyway but when we ran into an old friend of mine that I have seen in a couple of years who suggestively said I move quickly I had to say no his not my child but my friend’s and she also acknowledged this fact. But what struck me as odd was in the past if something like this happened she’d afterwards go off about what new stories could be thought up and this time she didn’t mention it again.
Somewhere through that evening she again invited me to go with her to visit her brothers the weekend and this time I did go. Too many people came on the Saturday and we ended up having to share a room. Now there's nothing strange about this and I didn’t read anything into it but it was her suggestion and I felt this a bit out of place for her. The weekend went by and while driving back home she invited me to go home with her to the farm the following weekend. During the visit, during one of our many walks she asked me what my girlfriend preferences are. But she wanted answers in surprising detail; what colour hair, how tall, even what shoe size and fingernail length. She said she can ask me such things because we're friends and it wouldn’t be weird. That evening while walking to our rooms, me walking behind her, she walks into my room sat down on the edge of the bed and starts telling me about an arrangement she's made for the following weekend and how something’s seems wrong. She says she’s asking for my input because it brings calmness over her.
Now we're a week from now. My and the schools exams ended making it possible for me that when she texted me to come to her school I could. She had computer problem and she left the room while I was busy but when she came back she nearly said “Hallo my love” she clearly had to correct herself to say “Hallo my friend” and walked up to me and out of the blue gave me a hug. I told her I was offered a departmental teaching job and she immediately gave me another hug. We planned for her and her young one to stay at my home the last week of school as she would be alone in the entire hostel, it was only 2 nights though. During the first night she suddenly asked whether she can ask me something personal, I cautiously said okay and what proceeded made me burst out laughing because the personal question was whether we are going to make the desert for the following evening. The night went by but when I went to say good night I thought I’ll joke a little and tuck her in but tucking her in, in a shape making her look like some Egyptian mummy. Anyway as I left the room she unfolded herself and jumped up saying she needs to give me a hug. Having a rough estimate of how long our hugs usually last I pulled away after what felt right but she pulled me back making it a double hug. The following evening we did indeed make the desert together and had a good time and it is what happened in her room that struck me as odd again, this time I didn’t tuck her in the same way but a lot more delicately when she asked me not to go yet but rather tell her a bedtime story, I ended up telling 2 completely original stories.
The weekend came that she needed calming about and the Monday she again came to my house but she didn’t want to talk about what happened so I didn’t. She had a school function to attend that evening so she brought her shampoo with her and after she said she’s leaving it with me for the next time she needs to wash her hair at my house. Now this was the first time in 8 months that she has washed her hair here and suddenly she is expecting to do it again.
As the afternoon went by I told her that things had come to be that I was leaving on holiday the next day and as we drove back to the hostel she said, that as we are both going to be working next year we have to make a pact to see each other at least once every week or fortnight and that when our respective schools have functions we’ll be each other’s dates. Then she said a thing that struck me the most, which was that she’ll be jealous if I find a girlfriend. We got to the hostel and as we said good bye I got ready for a hug as is normal when we say good bye before a holiday but instead she kissed me, nothing flamboyant just a solid kiss on the month and then a hug, but we’ve never kissed before.
Now as I said what interested me was that she’ll be jealous if I get a girlfriend. Aren’t friends suppose to be happy if the other one finds someone special, instead of being jealous? This could only be talk for the sake of talking but what if it isn’t? Does she suddenly want more than friendship but wants me to make the first move or does she feel bound by her earlier statement of us never being more than friends? It seems logical, to keep her from becoming jealous I either never have to get a girlfriend or ask her to be my girlfriend. But her statement makes it slightly complicated. Does her statement still hold water or does her actions contradict it? I've always been myself around her and it's gotten me to this point but I really like her and am a little nervous about what to do next, if anything is to be done. Can anybody help me?
That was an incredibly long post and I skimmed through most of it, so forgive me if I missed anything, but from what I see you sound kind of wishy washy about your feelings toward her.
You are going about this backwards. Stop trying to figure her out and act on the feelings that you have. If you want more, then act accordingly. If you don't want more, act accordingly.
It kind of sounds like you are being used here. I mean maybe she likes you and is trying to drop hints to get you to make the next move...but my initial reaction is that you are convenient for her. I get the impression that she constantly says you are friends but pushes the boundaries herself. I wouldn't be surprised if she led you on, you tried to make a relationship out of it, and she pulled the friend card again.
Maybe she's just looking to be chased.
But then, maybe I'm wrong and she is trying to send you the signals to pursue her. You are in a tough situation kid.
That was an incredibly long post and I skimmed through most of it, so forgive me if I missed anything, but from what I see you sound kind of wishy washy about your feelings toward her.
You are going about this backwards. Stop trying to figure her out and act on the feelings that you have. If you want more, then act accordingly. If you don't want more, act accordingly.
Nicely said. Do you really want a friend that would be jealous of you being in a relationship?
I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her.
I'd tell her that you are confused, that at one point she clearly and directly told you that you would be no more than friends, and thats fine, but now she is sending completely mixed signals and you are unsure of what her intentions are.
personally I think she sounds kinda flaky, but you know her better and can decide that for yourself.
Good luck, if you do get with her it sounds like it might be a roller coaster ride!
It sounds like you both are a bit confused about your relationship. It sounds more than just a normal friendship, but not bf/gf either.
Like the previous poster said, what do YOU want? At 23, are you ready for a committed relationship, let alone someone with a child? If so, move forward. If not, move on.
I agree with swmrbird and she definitely wants more than friendship she is into you and i hope you realize that even when she said it wouldnt progress to beyond friendship, things evolve...and man she kissed you that's more than a hint! now do you like her?
... personally I think she sounds kinda flaky, but you know her better and can decide that for yourself.!
She's young and has the added responsibility of a young child and no husband and I concur that she does sound a little "flaky" but, more importantly, unsure about herself and her future.
She has a lot of growing up to do and so do you and my advice would be tread very cautiously and not get sucked into something you might regret. It really doesn't sound as though you have an overwhelming passion for her and I can see where her mixed signals are confusing. Don't get sucked into any silly pacts either. Get on with your life and career, keep things light with her and keep the relationship as a friendly one and no more. Good luck!
That's kind of what I was thinking. When I was around 21 I had a gf with a 3 yrs old. I wouldn't recommend that. If you're a good bit older than I think the kid wouldn't be an issue.
Life is short, go have some fun, don't get tied down into that kind of responsibility at such a young age.
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