Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I dated DH 4 years prior to marrying him 11 months ago. I met his mother right before our wedding and have only been around her a total of 4 times or so since she lives 5 hours away.- however now that we are expecting we will be seeing more and more of her.
However, everytime I am around her she refuses to speak to me directly, but instead asks DH questions about me in my prescence, bought gifts for the baby, presented them to him and said "these are for YOUR baby". It is just plain aqward to visit her as she has never tried to get to know me and when I make conversation she won't talk.
I do have 2 children from a previous marriage and the thing is she is nice to them & makes an effort to get to know them. I did get offended when she got on to my 12 year old for saying "crap". The kids hurt his finger and it's not like he screamed "f**k" or something. I know it upsets her that they do not call DH "dad", but their dad is very involved with them & it does'nt bother DH so why does it bother her?
All of MIL's children put of fronts when they visit her. According to her- her kids have never drank, never cursed,etc. While I am not a foul mouthed drinker- I am not going to put on a different persona just for her. I live in the real world.
I love my marriage, but I am afraid this is going to take a toll. I will always visit her because I love my husband, but I can't say I am happy with the situation. Any of you managing a successful marriage, despite not liking in laws? How do you manage? Please Advise.
1. This is the biggest one by far. If you and your husband are a team, you'll be fine. If your husband takes your side over his mother's, does not allow any outright rudeness to you, and stands up for you if you need it--if he is husband FIRST, son SECOND--then everything will be okay. If your husband undermines your status as his wife, if he regards his mother as higher than you, or if he argues with you or berates you in front of his mother, she will win this. The fact that she is kind to your children goes a long way with me, though, and you should do your best to make your relationship with this woman a cordial one. She will be a part of your life for a long time.
2. You don't have to be great friends, but for everyone's sanity, you can probably get along okay if she's not being a total you-know-what. And even if she is, sometimes there are ways to get around that. Sometimes Mother Hens have to feel like they are in control of things, even when they aren't.
2a. Try to be cheerful and respectful to her. I know you dread going to her house, but if you can grit your teeth and be nice, she might come around. You said you "live in the real world," but I don't know if that means you feel being "brutally honest" is the best way to be. Sometimes people like to be challenging and adversarial, like they have to dominate a situation. Maybe your mother-in-law is like this. If you are too, then brace yourself for a lot of arguing and unpleasantness. You don't have to be meek and submissive, but you don't have to fight either.
2b. Learn the art of "in one ear, out the other." Lots of parents get unwanted advice from family members, friends, even strangers. Just smile and say, "Thank you for the advice" or "I'll definitely consider doing that" (consider it for all of two seconds) and then go on your merry way. Your mother-in-law doesn't like the word "crap." Okay, neither does mine, and my grandmother especially does not. It's never too early for kids to learn to watch their mouths. If your husband's mother feels unwanted and obsolete, as some moms do when another woman takes her place, she will have lots to say to reinforce how much she knows and how much you need her. Nod, thank her, and accept her advice ... and then ignore it.
3. You too can master the art of getting along with your mother-in-law. Unless she is a hideous human being or your husband is a doormat, you'll be okay.
Excellent advice, Julia. I agree with every word of it.
Your husband can be a key in how she feels about you. If she sees that you're good for him and that you both love and respect each other, you've made the first hurdle. After that, just treat her as you would anyone who you want to win over.
It might be wise to talk to your husband about your concerns. Don't make her out to be a b*tch; just tell him it's important that his parents approve of you and your children, and that any advice or help he can give you would be appreciated.
I do think it's very important that in-laws get along well. If you can't, it doesn't necessarily mean the marriage can't survive, but it'll definitely be stronger if you do. You, your husband, your children and your in-laws will all be happier if there's no friction between you.
My mother loved my second (late) wife like a daughter. In fact, even though she had a daughter of her own, she once told my wife that she felt like she was the daughter she never had. One reason was because my late wife would take my mother aside during the rare visits (we lived 12 hours apart) to have intimate mother-daughter type talks. My mother could also see that my wife was good for me and loved me, and that's the main thing mothers usually want -- for their own kids to be happy and healthy.
As for the "crap" word, no, it's not too foul, but neither is it classy. Your new MIL probably didn't allow your husband to use such slang in her home when he was growing up, and she was just instinctively correcting your son. It doesn't sound like a big deal; don't make it into one. She might also correct him if he said, "ain't". So what? Any good teacher would do the same.
Read what Julia said over and over. Then have your H read it too. You have to function as a team and H has to take your side. Make sure you directly communicate to your H what you expect and need in this situation.
In return, it's your job to always be respectful, courteous, friendly, and polite to his mother. Make it easy for him to be your ally. Limit your visits to time frames you can manage. And tell H he can see his family without you from time to time. Keep your behavior beyond reproach.
If I had to point to one thing that contributed the most to the death of my marriage it was my H's failure to defend me to his mother and brother. He allowed them to trash me when I had done nothing to warrant being treated that way. It was always done behind my back and my H just went along with it because he didn't want to cause trouble in the family. Somehow he didn't remember that I was supposed to be the most important member of HIS family. If he had once stood up to them, they would have probably backed off.
If just once he would have said, "Yellowsnow is my wife and we love each other. I won't stay here and listen to you talk about her that way. You are entitled to your own opinions but if they are not kind and respectful please keep them to yourselves around me. Tell me if you can't do that and I will leave. It's up to you."
You don't have to be rude or get into a fight. It's a simple concept. You always stand up for your mate.
Yep, you first and foremost need to speak to your husband about it. And then both of you need to make it clear to her that what she is doing is disrespectful and rude and it will no longer be tolerated by either of you. However, if he refuses to speak to her about it and plans to continue letting his wife be treated like a piece of dirt, you're going to have problems - not because of her but because of him.
Thank you all for the advice. I think it is not so much what MIL is doing, but what she isn't that gets all over me. Barely saying hello, never speaking to me directly & staring through me and wallking of when I try to make conversation. I don't need to be her best friends, but I would like to be aknowledged. I think this is why DH does'nt get involved- it's not like she's calling me names etc, she's simply acting like I'm invisible. I believe that if her dislike was more outward-- he would step in.
One thing that adds to the problem is since we drive 5 hours to get there-then all spend the entire weekend @ her home. She won't speak to me. My DH talks about the weather with her, but can't mention that went to dinner @ place that serves drinks,went to an R rated movie or anything "that isn't glorifying to God".I invited her to go to dinner our treat (to get out of the house for a bit) but was told that eating out is "frivilous expense" & that she had food there.
We have tried staying at a hotel, but she starts calling at 6:45 am to see when we are coming back over to her house so we can sit there all day and not speak.
I guess I should just be thankful our trips are not often and remember that she loves her son like I love mine, and that she will be my baby's grandma so I need to suck it up and be as nice as I possibly can.
I consider saying ain't & cain't (which she says all the time) to be on the same level as "crap", never the less I have made my son quit saying it totally so that he won't slip up at her house.
It's troubling that she won't speak to you. That would bother me, and I understand why it bothers you. I think your best bet is to tell your husband how you feel. I like what WyoNewk said: "don't make her out to be a b*tch; just tell him that it's important to you that his parents approve of you and your children." If she is snubbing you and ignoring you, she is being unkind, and your husband needs to speak up. It doesn't have to be a fight, but you said yourself that your husband does not step in. Maybe he does not realize how much his mother's cold shoulder hurts you. I know it's very hard for some people to break former habits, like allowing their mothers to rule their lives, but please listen to what yellowsnow and PA2UK have said about their marriages.
Having this woman's grandchild may be a good turning point for you. It sounds (from the little bit you said) that your mother-in-law likes children, and she may simply adore her new grandbaby. Many grandmothers dote on babies, and you will give her a grandchild. She may end up loving you simply for that--it happens. If your husband agrees to put a little starch in his spine, you might try appealing to your mother-in-law's "experience" and get in her good graces that way. Of course, you have had babies before and probably know everything you need to know, but some women looooooove to give motherly advice. If this woman is being cold and aloof, but not an outright B, appealing to her "knowledge" and "wisdom" can make her feel respected and needed.
I know, I know ... why the games? It's just a matter of picking your battles and knowing what you can win. Going head-to-head with some strong personalities is a sure loss. Try the Trojan horse approach and get inside her gates with a cute baby.
I dated DH 4 years prior to marrying him 11 months ago. I met his mother right before our wedding and have only been around her a total of 4 times or so since she lives 5 hours away.- however now that we are expecting we will be seeing more and more of her.
However, everytime I am around her she refuses to speak to me directly, but instead asks DH questions about me in my prescence, bought gifts for the baby, presented them to him and said "these are for YOUR baby". It is just plain aqward to visit her as she has never tried to get to know me and when I make conversation she won't talk.
I do have 2 children from a previous marriage and the thing is she is nice to them & makes an effort to get to know them. I did get offended when she got on to my 12 year old for saying "crap". The kids hurt his finger and it's not like he screamed "f**k" or something. I know it upsets her that they do not call DH "dad", but their dad is very involved with them & it does'nt bother DH so why does it bother her?
All of MIL's children put of fronts when they visit her. According to her- her kids have never drank, never cursed,etc. While I am not a foul mouthed drinker- I am not going to put on a different persona just for her. I live in the real world.
I love my marriage, but I am afraid this is going to take a toll. I will always visit her because I love my husband, but I can't say I am happy with the situation. Any of you managing a successful marriage, despite not liking in laws? How do you manage? Please Advise.
She's obviously got "issues" - but don't make her problems yours.
Best thing you can do is IGNORE her bad behavior and kill her with kindness. Your husband will appreciate it and she won't "win" if you and he aren't fighting Even if she won't speak to you, go right on having a one-sided conversation with her - it'll make her look ridiculous.
Noem, you seem to be trying. Good for you. One thing I should mention is to be careful what you say around your kids. I don't know how old your other child is, but when my son was around 10 or 12 he let it slip to his grandparents that "Dad didn't want you along on our vacation".
I didn't. We had planned a nice family vacation to Florida, gotten an expensive room in one of the nicest hotels on Miami Beach, and then his grandma invited herself and Grandpa along with us. (My wife thought it was a great idea.) They thought the price of rooms was outlandish, so they stayed in our room -- snuck in.
I didn't hear about it until a few years later after Grandpa died. Then Grandma brought it up and told me how awful it had made her husband feel.
My relationship with my ex-wife's mother was similar to yours -- not horrible, but tense and less than great. She never really approved of me; in turn I never much cared for her, and that didn't help the marriage at all. I could have tried harder, but in my defense, she wasn't easy to like. (When she retired from her job after 25 years, the whole company waited until the following week to have her going away party -- without her!)
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Even if she won't speak to you, go right on having a one-sided conversation with her - it'll make her look ridiculous.
