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Don't try online dating. The guys outmatch the girls 8 billion to 1, and it will crush your confidence even more.
I'll use an analogy. It looks to me like you are stepping to the plate looking to hit a home run with every swing. You need to shorten up and start making contact.
What I mean by this is, get a date with as many girls as are willing. It certainly doesn't make you a player, especially if you are upfront that you are ready to meet new people and looking to broaden your horizons.
Maybe you go out for a drink with a woman that you hadn't thought of before, and you find out that she is the one for you. Or, at worst, you'll have a good idea in who you are, and what you are and are not looking for in others.
The only thing worse than being shy, or a bad communicator, or even BO, is fake. You are trying too hard. Hate to tell you this, but 9 out of 10 of those girls that you are trying to change yourself for you would find were not worth the effort. Not worth the effort for "you", that is. How draining it must be to wake up everyday thinking you're not good enough, missing that one thing extra that you believe will put you over the top, that will finally make you good enough. If you are walking around with this mindset I have no doubt that they are picking up on it; even if just subconsciously, but the message that they are getting is the one you're sending out, the one that says you're just not good enough. Be yourself for better and worse and for everything in between. How? By doing only what you really believe. This will soon become habit and all these girls that looked through you before will suddenly perk up and take notice. Oh, what's this? Someone who doesn't give a da*mn? He must have something going on, because he sure isn't playing the game. And that's just the point, this is not a game. You really don't give a da*mn. And that is win/win. If the girl of your dreams takes notice, beautiful, and if not, you will have yourself.
So, when you go to a job interview, is selling your positive attributes "being fake?"
You can't just sit around your whole life and hope things fall into your lap. It'll never happen. You can't get the job you want, make the money you want, or get the friends/SO that you want without going for it.
I don't think anyone will tell the guy to be a poser and start talking about steroids, tanning and snowboarding. But he SHOULD be selling his traits, interests in skills.
I'm real everyday, I just present myself differently in different situations. I am different at work, than I am at a family reunion, than I am calling new customers, than I am with close friends.
Let's see: I am not one of those annoying "I'm better than all of you". I usually don't complain either. I don't dominate conversations but I do talk. I'd say I'm in a happy medium in those things. It's just I don't know what to say in some situations, while some people seem to know about every subject someone could bring up. A friend of mine is like that, if you had a job at X, he knows someone working there or knows something about the job there. I just don't have that many connections and can't keep up there.
You don't have to know anything about a topic for people to think you're a great conversationalist. The key is to know how to ask questions. For instance, I mention that I am a mystery shopper. You don't care about shopping; but that's the KEY, ask, "How does that work?" Now you've got ME talking about MY thing and it's you that did it. I leave the conversation thinking what a nice guy you are. Or I mention that I'm a paralegal, or a facilitator or run a self-help group. You ask me about it. If you know NOTHING at all, you ask me to explain - very open ended requiring no knowledge on your part, but if you listen, you will learn - and then you will have knowledge to ask other questions.
Hmm..maybe it's regional? Where do you live and what do you do for a living? Even in places that might be difficult to get around and socialize, there is always something going on. Have you tried online dating too??
I live in Spain, near Madrid. Lack of places to go or people to know should not be a problem here.
Let me say that we may have different view of what a "date" is, though. A couple of times I have gone somewhere with girls, I mean with her alone. But nothing happened. No romantic interest on her part, so I doubt to call that a date.
And yes, I did try online dating since it gave good results years ago. But it seems more difficult nowadays. And also I don't want to limit myself to that if I can keep meeting nice girls in person.
You don't have to know anything about a topic for people to think you're a great conversationalist. The key is to know how to ask questions. For instance, I mention that I am a mystery shopper. You don't care about shopping; but that's the KEY, ask, "How does that work?" Now you've got ME talking about MY thing and it's you that did it. I leave the conversation thinking what a nice guy you are. Or I mention that I'm a paralegal, or a facilitator or run a self-help group. You ask me about it. If you know NOTHING at all, you ask me to explain - very open ended requiring no knowledge on your part, but if you listen, you will learn - and then you will have knowledge to ask other questions.
Great post but I can't rep you. Are you listening and hearing OP?
You don't have to know anything about a topic for people to think you're a great conversationalist. The key is to know how to ask questions. For instance, I mention that I am a mystery shopper. You don't care about shopping; but that's the KEY, ask, "How does that work?" Now you've got ME talking about MY thing and it's you that did it. I leave the conversation thinking what a nice guy you are. Or I mention that I'm a paralegal, or a facilitator or run a self-help group. You ask me about it. If you know NOTHING at all, you ask me to explain - very open ended requiring no knowledge on your part, but if you listen, you will learn - and then you will have knowledge to ask other questions.
carra,
What annie said here is spot on. You find yourself unable to contribute to a conversation when subjects come up that you know nothing about....therefore, you probably have a look on your face that says...."Okay......blah, blah, blah....." LOL The look on your face is probably showing others that you can't wait for the conversation to switch to something you DO know something about! You see, you CAN contribute to the conversation here. Asking questions about something you don't know about IS contributing to the conversation. It works in many ways! Not only are you showing the person that you are interested in what they're talking about, but you can broaden your field of knowledge at the same time.
Make sure that you're truly interested in what they're saying though. Faking interest can be spotted, in a heartbeat, by many people. Perhaps you need to change your way of thinking....many folks simply don't CARE to know more about something, because they're not interested. You'd be surprised how your life can change when you become more knowledgeable in many, many areas.
There are a whole lot of people out there (you have some acquaintences like this) who are very knowledgeable in many, many areas and have much to contribute...that is BECAUSE they have asked many questions...they took an interest in things that they didn't know anything about, or weren't initially interested in. It sounds like you're on the right track though...you are asking questions here. Now, all you have to do is take it into the "physical" world. LOL
I guess sometimes I was just not that interested in the subject, or maybe just kept quiet because other people were already carrying all the conversation. Of course I will have to stop asking questions after a while or it will start to seem an interrogation.
And about the confidence thing, unfortunately it is not like flipping a switch. Seeing that girls don't care about you will always have some impact in you. And you will not face that the same way if you are one of those people having dates every week, than if you barely get any. This issue is complicated and can take months. In fact some people never get it solved at all...
I guess sometimes I was just not that interested in the subject, or maybe just kept quiet because other people were already carrying all the conversation. Of course I will have to stop asking questions after a while or it will start to seem an interrogation.
And about the confidence thing, unfortunately it is not like flipping a switch. Seeing that girls don't care about you will always have some impact in you. And you will not face that the same way if you are one of those people having dates every week, than if you barely get any. This issue is complicated and can take months. In fact some people never get it solved at all...
The advice given to you shouldn't be just about meeting and dating girls. It's about living in a grown up world. It's important to take interest in other people, it's simply a matter of having "good" social skills. If you can't put yourself aside and think of others, by taking an interest in what they say, you simply won't succeed in relationships at all....not unless they are empty, surface relationships. You need to LEARN to care...again, without an ulterior motive. It's what makes you a better person and causes other "good" people to take and hold an interest in you. There are enough empty and selfish people out there already, please don't be one of them.
An edit point here....carra, this might not be who you are today, but you should always be willing to change. I am certainly not the person I was at 18.....or 28.....or even 38. I have lived and learned, changed myself in order to become a "better" person. Only dead people should be "stagnant". As long as you are living, you should be moving toward being "better/more effective"......live and learn.
Go the gym every other day, at any age anyone can maximize their physique, when you do this you will truly feel better about yourself and women will notice.
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