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Men never know. They are either suddenly served with papers or come home one evening to 3 squad cars.
When interviewed by academics, women claim that he "didn't meet my expectations" but the fact is, its either because they didn't do their due diligence before they married or their expectations are in the stratosphere.
Several reasons. Chief among them is that we grew apart. I was working, interested, active, engaged. She was a SAHM with no interests outside the family and childrens' activities. I was a lousy money manager. She was a passive dependent. I had anger issues. She was/is narcissistic. After 25 years she lost a ton of weight, discovered she was attractive to other men, found one who was really interested and felt "safe" in leaving me, filing for legal separation. I awoke to the fact that she wasn't that much after all and counter-filed for divorce. End of story, but for this:
I spent over two years living like a monk with no socialization whatsoever, working on what was wrong with me and changing it for the better. She never admitted to any fault and is still the same, if not worse. The end result is that my wife (I remarried) and I have very lovely and loving relationships with my five children, their spouses and our grandchildren. None of them want anything to do with the ex.
Mine almost failed, but I think the main reasons people get divorced are not meeting each other's expectations, a complete communication breakdown or maybe marrying someone you really didn't know so well to begin with.
Several reasons. Chief among them is that we grew apart. I was working, interested, active, engaged. She was a SAHM with no interests outside the family and childrens' activities. I was a lousy money manager. She was a passive dependent. I had anger issues. She was/is narcissistic. After 25 years she lost a ton of weight, discovered she was attractive to other men, found one who was really interested and felt "safe" in leaving me, filing for legal separation. I awoke to the fact that she wasn't that much after all and counter-filed for divorce. End of story, but for this:
I spent over two years living like a monk with no socialization whatsoever, working on what was wrong with me and changing it for the better. She never admitted to any fault and is still the same, if not worse. The end result is that my wife (I remarried) and I have very lovely and loving relationships with my five children, their spouses and our grandchildren. None of them want anything to do with the ex.
Interesting. I had a similar set up with a different outcome. My H is like you, right down to being bad with money. I was like your wife, but I'm still carrying an extra 30lbs and he is the narcissisist. After 25 years he met someone at work, who was basically a younger version of me, pre-marriage and kids, and relized that he didn't really like what his life had become. Or who I had become. To me it seemed like he just wanted to be young again (this all happened the year he turned 50) but his POV is different, and because of that we could never make progress in MC.
So for the last couple of years we have been coexisting in the same house with our youngest (now 19) and will probably seperate then divorce after our eldest graduates from college. Until then there is no money. I have a very close and loving relationship with our children but they don't feel close to him, never did, and really have to work at getting him to pay them any attention. He admits he never got into fatherhood they way he should have (busy climbing the corporate ladder and all) and claims that's just proof that he should be living a different life. Who knows.
Ceece, I'm sorry you're going through a great deal of what I went through that ended 15 years ago. It's not fun; especially as I had both adult children and young children. The good news is that there is life after divorce and it can be wonderful. I also became a very good money manager and have excellent credit, a nice home, great car and comfortable retirement.
People CAN change but I'd be willing to bet that if I was still with the ex I'd still be who I was when I was with her. Thank God I'm not!
All that aside, the reality is that in order to address a problem you have to recognize it, admit to it, own it and want to and be willing to change it. Without those elements, all the MC in the world will accomplish nothing. I was willing to. She wasn't. End of story!
I heard that divorces actually went down last year, they linked it to the bad economy...
Lots of great insights...It's generally not meeting expectations or one person finding what they feel is a better opportunity.
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They thought they could drive their wives up the wall indefinitely, but surprise, surprise... they couldn't! How sad, too bad!
