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If you remarried would you expect your children (whatever their age) to take the name of your new husband? Not likely. Change yours if you prefer but leave them theirs - there's nothing at all unusual in children having different surnames.
I cna understand if you had a rocky marriage your wanting to go through with your divorce even though your husband died, but why would you want to deny your children their father? If they are indeed young they are going to have little to no memory of him as it is. If you were the one who died would you want him to send your children the message that you meant so little to him that he erased every trace of you?
The children do not need to know that you were about to divorce their father. I understand he was a terrible husband but was he a bad father? He's gone and you are going to be the person they turn to for a connection to him. Treat this (his memory) the same way you would want your memory treated.
If you do go ahead and change your name, try telling the children it was too painful for you to keep his name rather than "we were divorcing anyway".
You're right, it can be confusing to have different names which is why changing their names w/ mine was an option. As for the in-laws, yes, I'm close to them and the mother-in-law visits us every year from California to Ohio still. She's a sweet lady...I just couldn't get along with her son and wanted nothing to do with him. Although I'm close to them, I still considered changing their names...regardless. I just wasn't sure if this was a heartless thing to do considering our relationship and the fact that he's deceased.
It's not that I want to deny the kids of their father, but rather, detach myself from him and get back to my name (and bring the kids along). Although not officially, I felt that he walked out on us considering his pattern of cheating....like he didn't care, you know. As for the kids, I wouldn't tell them the details of our marriage and it's not appropriate considering they are only 4, 5 and 6. I even have no intention of telling them that their father died because he was drunk while driving. All they know now is that "he died from a car accident."
When you detach your yourself from him, you detach them from him and that's not fair. Regardless of his cheating and his death, he's still their father. I understand you felt hurt and betrayed, but you can't think of any other way to let that go than to make a dramatic change like changing your name?
btw, since you are raising his children, you'll never be able to detach your self from him. You have three permanent reminders of him for life. They are going get older and want to know about him.
Why are you so bent on punishing him now that he's dead? Why didn't you leave while he was alive? He's dead and buried and I strongly suggest you let the bad times die and be buried with him.
As a child who grew up with no knowledge of my father (he died when I was 2) I can tell you wanting to know about him, how much you resemble him, etc. will never go away. And doing things like detaching yourself will only make you the bad guy regardless of the circumstances.
And if you try to defend yourself, be prepared to hear statements like "You're only saying that because he isn't here to defend himself"
It would be a great show of maturity to your children for you to find another way to move on.
My aunt remarried and when she divorced the second time she changed her name back to her first married name which was also her son's last name. But she had had her first married name longer than her maiden name and no one in that family ever liked the maiden name anyway, including my own mother. I won't say what it is, but I'd have changed it too. So, people do all kinds of things and it doesn't make it wrong or right.
However, to change your own name is one thing, to change the children's names to detach them from their father because he was a cheater on "YOU" may not necessarily made him a bad father to them so consider this very carefully. Do you want your children to live with the idea their father loved them or he was a monster? Is this for selfish reasons because you want retaliation?
I don't know if you've read my previous posts, but I'm not bent on punishing him. This is the reason why I asked the question b/c I wanted outside input so that I can get a different perspective. If I didn't care and was set on punishing him, I wouldn't have asked the question. Also, I was planning on leaving him, but he died before that happened. As for my bitter feelings, you're right, they do still exist but that's something I need to pray more about.
Regarding him defending himself, well, his mother knew about the cheating before his death (he confessed out of guilt) and there's a toxicology report along with a death certificate that I was given to prove that he was driving under the influence.
Again, I'm not trying to be a vengeful person which is why I asked for opinions first.
Again, if you the only way you can move on is to change your name, do go ahead but if you change your children's names you are taking their father away from them. One day they will be adults and you will be the bad guy, no matter how good of a mother you are.
And what's the point of mentioning the tox report and his mother? Do you honestly think she's going to let you raise the children with only negative impressions of their father? Flash forward 20 years: your child dies, the SO was unhappy and about to leave: do you allow your grandchildren to grow up thinking your child was a bad person?
I'm just saying leave the children out of it. Changing your name is a personal decision, it has nothing to do with them.
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