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If you two do divorce or separate, will your children still be in the local area or will she move them far away? So long as you have access to them and they to you, you won't be losing them. You've bonded with them up to this point and they know who their dad is, regardless if she tries to fill their heads with nonsense about you.
One of the biggest fears men have about leaving their wives when there are children involved is having another man move in and become their step-father. Don't allow this to be the thing that keeps you from leaving. Focus on your own sanity and well being for now. The children are fine and they will be alright, regardless of who gets custody.
The only way you can work on your own happiness and well being is to rid yourself of the toxic elements that are monopolizing your life right now. One being the spouse. If it's not salvageable, then the longer you wait, the deeper you will sink into misery. Unfortunately there is no easy way out.
If you two do divorce or separate, will your children still be in the local area or will she move them far away? So long as you have access to them and they to you, you won't be losing them. You've bonded with them up to this point and they know who their dad is, regardless if she tries to fill their heads with nonsense about you.
One of the biggest fears men have about leaving their wives when there are children involved is having another man move in and become their step-father. Don't allow this to be the thing that keeps you from leaving. Focus on your own sanity and well being for now. The children are fine and they will be alright, regardless of who gets custody.
The only way you can work on your own happiness and well being is to rid yourself of the toxic elements that are monopolizing your life right now. One being the spouse. If it's not salvageable, then the longer you wait, the deeper you will sink into misery. Unfortunately there is no easy way out.
Sounds like Dad is the primary caregiver and mom is the major breadwinner - he should get custody if he gets the right lawyer.
Sounds like Dad is the primary caregiver and mom is the major breadwinner - he should get custody if he gets the right lawyer.
First we don't know if that's what he is looking to get (custody). Although I think it's possible that he could get custody under the circumstances, it's very important that he consult with a lawyer before he makes any sudden waves. If that is what you want Lucario, then DO NOT leave the house and your children behind, no matter how unbearable it may be
Also keep in mind that if his wife is a primary breadwinner, then she also may have the means of using the expense of the divorce process to drag it out. This was the case for a close friend of ours and he ultimately did not have the means to keep the battle going to get what probably deserved.
Gee it's pretty obvious that everybody has their own opinion about this.
I do not come by my opinions first hand, as some of you have mentioned (thank goodness). And I am sure that there is a wealth of expert opinions out there that are totally conflicting on this matter as well, since it is really, really difficult to measure how "messed up" someone is, and to determine what, exactly messed them up - and whether it was due to divorce, etc.
All I know is that if there was one chance in a billion that if my getting a divorce would somehow negatively impact the emotional health and welfare of any child that I had (if I had them), that it would not be worth it to me in any way. I cannot imagine that anyone would say that divorce would NOT negatively impact a child, young or old. Certainly EVERY expert agrees on that. Yes, children may BOUNCE back but who really, and truly knows the damage that has been done, regardless of how well they APPEAR to adjust.
20yrsinBranson
This is a situation where you can look and pros and cons. If 2 parents cannot stand being near each other, believe me, children feel it. It may have a bigger negative impact on them than a divorce.
What is the reason for the hate and discontent? Is this something that can be remedied? Will it be something that can resolved with help or amending how each approaches the relationship?
Hey lucario I hope you have really really really deep pockets and make a very impressive income. You said it yourself but said it way too polite that men get screwed in court. They get raped.
You live in NJ, Lucario? Then that may very well apply. I have a relative going through it now - every discussion between wife and husband goes through the lawyer - cha ching? costs them a $100 every phone call. Then the husband is expected to pay alimony because he was married to the non-working wife for more than 10 years - pay it til age 65.
Then on top of that, they have two kids - so guess what? child support. Okay - nothing wrong with paying child support, but what is reasonable and what is not?
Distribution of property - with the housing market being down, wife offered to buy out the hubby at less than 50% of the fair market value of his share.
Needless to say, it's a long and drawn out process: first they try mediation, then negotiating, then with children you have "therapists" , both parties are slowly being drained of any monies they would have walked away with had it been an amicable solution. Who wins? the lawyers, who loses? the kids, and the divorcing couple.
Last edited by FrmlyBklyn; 05-11-2010 at 09:30 AM..
Your kids can survive a divorce. Just try to make it as civil and drama free as possible. Lifes to short to be miserable and those boys know you are both miserable.
This is a situation where you can look and pros and cons. If 2 parents cannot stand being near each other, believe me, children feel it. It may have a bigger negative impact on them than a divorce.
Yup, my relatives live in the same house, don't speak to each other, don't look at each other, yet live in the same house for the "sake of the children" Guess what, both kids are in therapy and have the shell-shocked look on their faces... I'm sure they will wear these scars for the rest of their lives.
You live in NJ, Lucario? Then that may very well apply.
<snip>
Needless to say, it's a long and drawn out process: first they try mediation, then negotiating, then with children you have "therapists" , both parties are slowly being drained of any monies they would have walked away with had it been an amicable solution. Who wins? the lawyers, who loses? the kids, and the divorcing couple.
The bolded is unfortunately very true.
In a good law firm in NJ, $100/hr will sometimes only get you a phone call with a paralegal.
FrmlyBklyn: While I understand your desire to share your story, realize that every situation is different. In the immortal words of Leo Tolstoy,
"All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
You last two posts led me to believe you did not even read through the thread. In Lucario's marriage, the wife is the one who makes the big bucks, and he is the one who does most of the work taking care of the children -- so in all likelihood, he is the one who will get custody, child support, and likely alimony as well. In any event, saying, "My cousin experienced X, therefore it'll happen to you too" just makes no sense whatsoever.
Don't take it the wrong way -- but I really don't understand it why some people seem to experience a relish in telling a person like the OP, in graphic detail, all the horrific things that are supposedly going to happen to him and his children. Forget the fact that such conjectures have no basis in reality; why would one make a difficult situation even more difficult through anxiety and fear?
As for lawyers making money off of a divorce -- well, yeah, divorce is expensive. It becomes especially expensive when the parties act irrationally and vindictively; and they are particularly likely to act that way when people around them egg them on and feed their anxiety with fear-mongering. So if you really are worried about the OP being able to afford a divorce -- and not just concern-trolling -- mind what you say. Incidentally, if you ever get seriously ill, as all of us will at some point, the only ones who will make out like bandits are doctors.
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