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Common sense huh? Well we'll see what happens when these flippant and rude posters have children of their own or grandchildren that are ADD, ADHD or mentally or physically challenged......the path isn't so golden for some of us. Even a normal child can be extremely challenging and you all seem to think this is as simple as saying "please" and "thank you". Give me a break. Thanks to those who actually understood the OP and responded with parenting styles and tips that are religion-free. Ugh, some of you really **** me off.
Common sense huh? Well we'll see what happens when these flippant and rude posters have children of their own or grandchildren that are ADD, ADHD or mentally or physically challenged......the path isn't so golden for some of us. Even a normal child can be extremely challenging and you all seem to think this is as simple as saying "please" and "thank you". Give me a break. Thanks to those who actually understood the OP and responded with parenting styles and tips that are religion-free. Ugh, some of you really **** me off.
Forgive them Ilene because people without children don't have the foggiest notion of what it means to be a parent...Even the most well adjusted child presents us with many challenges. It seems strange to me that even though child rearing is one of the most difficult, and sometimes stressful things that we humans do, most people begin with no clue what lies in front of them...
Why is there little or nothing in our education system on parenting?
As it is now poor parents pass on their methods to their kids, and they in turn continue the cycle...
Would it be prying to ask how old your children are? Have you been over to the parenting sub-forum here? I think I skimmed it once, but it seemed more about children younger than my own, but you might be able to find some helpful info there. Hang in there it is challenging for most people.
Would it be prying to ask how old your children are? Have you been over to the parenting sub-forum here? I think I skimmed it once, but it seemed more about children younger than my own, but you might be able to find some helpful info there. Hang in there it is challenging for most people.
If you are asking me, my kids are all grown and on their own now, and I am a grandfather to four and a great grandfather to one...
Life is complex and the situations we get ourselves into often leave us in predicaments where we have to make difficult choices - sometimes with no clear cut answer. As children, we are apt to make mistakes, and yes, to sometimes do things that we're not supposed to do.
This is precisely why some anachronistic list of prohibitions from 2000 - 4000 + years ago could not possibly be intended to be followed by rote. The reason Christ changed the laws into two overarching principles was to provide the necessary flexibility and the ability to employ our judgment. If your judgment is driven by the admonishment to "love God and each other" . . . it covers virtually all situation that might be faced. The trick is to sincerely and clearly look for the unloving consequences in the situation and avoid them.
Quote:
<snip> Love, leading by example, and having a tight-knit family are all key in this. At least, as someone who doesn't have children... That's how I look at things.
I really did not want to participate on this discussion.
As a kid, I was whipped and beaten to the point that in these days a teacher would report it as child abuse. I am talking of welts left on my back that took many days to heal and disappear. He even had a dude at his church make a custom leather strap and this dude had a sideline of making these straps.
I vowed I would never do that to my kids. I did not but I still made them bend and gave them the belt. At the time I was a fundie so it was all in line with gawd's word. My wife in her own subtle way expressed her displeasure and luckily I stopped doing this.
The point is, there are no real answers how to raise kids and exacting corporeal punishment seems the quickest way to address an issue. My dad was "abused" by his dad and for them it was to break my self will. Kinda ironic that the theists espouse free will and all and then with kids try and break that will.
I turned out relatively OK, I was lucky my psychologically there were scars that I had to deal with. Granted I was no angel and quite the rebel yet I became an upstanding citizen and no criminal record ever.
It takes a generation to break the cycle, I could easily have become my father. Grandparents dote on their grandchildren, mine did and never whipped them once. I guess with age come wisdom.
Probably the way society has evolved that we no longer have communal living, the aspect of multiple care by elders is a key missing element. The black folk here still have this and in my 54 years, I have never seen them hit a child in public, I have seen many whites beat the crap out of their kids at the mall.
Really weird when one thinks that children are our genetic offspring and we as parents can be such idiots with that "gift". IMO the church has no real answers and the rule with a rod of iron seems par for the course. It is not.
At school I was exposed to corporeal punishment and that never really changed anything, mostly for smoking at school, I still smoke. Pretty stupid when the teacher whipping you smokes.
I was lucky to have been able to de-program my teen kids from what my fundie days involved and redress that aspect of my failure as a parent concerning discipline.
Bear with me here, I'm trying to work through some things and most of you already know I'm agnostic now so this is not a dig at anyone, I'm curious to know how atheists/agnostics raise up their children to be moral, upstanding non-evil people without the influence of religion.
The reason I ask is because I don't have any experience with atheism at all, none. I never knew any atheists growing up and I still don't know any, not in real life. There was never a time that I wasn't surrounded by Christians and Christianity to the MAX and I'm wondering what kind of person I would have turned out to be if I didn't have religion in my life all of those years, since birth.
Both sides of my family were extremely religious, my parents met at a church in RI that my uncle was the pastor of and it's been a really trying thing in my life trying to live up to other's expectations. I don't think I'm being clear here but how do atheists teach their children about morals and right living without the influence of the Bible or religion? I mean, what do you "threaten" your children with to make them behave........for me it was the threat of eternal hellfire until just a couple years ago and I'm 48!!
So help me out here to understand what things you say or do to make sure you're raising good people?? I'm at a total loss as to what I would have said or done if I had been an agnostic when my son was growing up. How did you do it?
If you want your children to grow up to be good people, you teach by example. Do good in the world and take the kids with you when you do so. We volunteered frequently and the kids always helped even when they were quite small.
I have posted this before on the parenting forum, but it is what I did and the post has been refined many times on usenet with other parents who feel the same way I did.
1. Model the behavior you want your child to have. This is very important. Children learn what they live. Teach by example, not just words. Example: If you want your child to be polite, make sure you are polite to her. Say please and thank you. Be kind and considerate.
2. Assume that your child is good even when his behavior is annoying. Each action has an underlying developmental reason. If you can find out the reason, you can change the behavior much more easily than if you deal only with the *symptom.* Example: If he is jumping on the couch, he may need more jumping outside time. A trampoline can be a way to get this behavior under control.
3. State your rules in positive not negative ways. Redirect her to things she can do rather than always saying *no.* It is much easier to replace bad behavior with good behavior when you give her alternatives that work for both of you. Example: Tell her to use her inside voice or walking feet instead of saying don't yell or stop running.
4. Always explain why the behavior you dislike is wrong and also explain why the behavior you like is right. You may need to get his attention by going close to him and/or touching his arm. Once you have his attention, explain on his level. Keep the words appropriate to his age and stage of development. Example: If he is hitting his sister, you can explain that hitting hurts depending on his age. You can use books that tell him hands are not for hitting and that there are things he can do with his hands like gently touching his sister, etc.
5. Give her choices between two or three acceptable behaviors. Make sure the need the behavior is addressing is met. Example: Ask her if she would like to come in the front door or the back door. This still gets her inside. Or ask her if she would like to play with her dolls or her blocks inside. Again, she still has to come inside, but she has a choice of which activities she can do once she comes in.
6. Give him warnings of transitions to make them easier to manage. A kitchen timer or counting helps with this. Children, like adults, need to complete activities when they are absorbed in them.Example: When you want him to come home and he is swinging, say *we will count 20 swings and then we have to go.* When he is working on a puzzle and you need him to come to dinner, set a timer or use a song on a cd to indicate the end of the transition.
7. Use time-outs to get her emotions and yours under control. These do not have to be punitive. Teach her to count, to breathe, to walk away. Model these for her and be proactive in teaching her how to manage her anger.
8. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't give a lot of warnings and do follow through after saying what you want ONCE. Think about things that are important and things you can let go. Give him time to comply, but follow through. Example: If he is not getting on his shoes, you might say *do you want to get your shoes on yourself or do you want me to put them on for you.* Silence and not doing it himself, implies he wants you to do it, so you get up and put his shoes on for him.
9. Plan for situations before they arise. Allow her to vent her anger, but have a plan in place to do what you need to do. Accept all her feelings. You can even be playful and grant wishes in *pretend space or later in the day.* Example: *I know you really want a cookie, so you can have one after dinner.* or *Let's pretend to be unicorns tonight.*
10. Involve him in making the rules and consequences as he gets older. Brainstorm and problem solve with him.
11. Give her chores appropriate to her developmental age. Everyone in the family should contribute to keeping the house up. Allow her input into what the chores should be and when to do them.
12. Make amends when you make a mistake. Don't let your errors fester. Apologize and accept his apologies as well.
13. Be playful. Parenting should not be *all* work and no *play.*
The bolded numbers are the ones I think are most important in terms of raising good people. Teach empathy, practice empathy with the children *and* with others and the kids will turn out all right.
My kids are grown now and they are wonderful people, imo. They take responsibility for their actions and they are helpful and kind. Interestingly, my ds is an atheist, but my dd is more spiritual though not practicing any organized religion. I like the way they think.
Bear with me here, I'm trying to work through some things and most of you already know I'm agnostic now so this is not a dig at anyone, I'm curious to know how atheists/agnostics raise up their children to be moral, upstanding non-evil people without the influence of religion.
The reason I ask is because I don't have any experience with atheism at all, none. I never knew any atheists growing up and I still don't know any, not in real life. There was never a time that I wasn't surrounded by Christians and Christianity to the MAX and I'm wondering what kind of person I would have turned out to be if I didn't have religion in my life all of those years, since birth.
Both sides of my family were extremely religious, my parents met at a church in RI that my uncle was the pastor of and it's been a really trying thing in my life trying to live up to other's expectations. I don't think I'm being clear here but how do atheists teach their children about morals and right living without the influence of the Bible or religion? I mean, what do you "threaten" your children with to make them behave........for me it was the threat of eternal hellfire until just a couple years ago and I'm 48!!
So help me out here to understand what things you say or do to make sure you're raising good people?? I'm at a total loss as to what I would have said or done if I had been an agnostic when my son was growing up. How did you do it?
In addition to positive parenting, you might want to look at the book Parenting Beyond Belief.
If you are asking me, my kids are all grown and on their own now, and I am a grandfather to four and a great grandfather to one...
old fart j/k
Is it true that it's more enjoyable to be a grandparent than a parent?
You don't get them all jacked up on sugar and then send them home do you?
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