Expectations of family members (divorce, long-term, moving, divorced)
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In some cultures the elderly expect the children to take care of them in their final years. The parents took care of the kids when they were young, and now it is fitting that the kids take care of the parents in this time of their need.
Do you have any expectations of any family members about taking care of you in your declining years? It may not be just about the children.
No expectations whatsoever and it's the last thing I would want or consent to. I have a "horror" of being taken care of by and being a burden on my children. Just shoot me first.
My childrens' mother, whom I divorced 18 years ago, began slipping into dementia three or four years later and is now in a "home" for dementia and Alzheimer's sufferers. My middle daughter, next to the youngest child, has been seeing to her care and handling her affairs for about two years now. It's an awful burden and one I will never subject my children to.
Of the other four children, three are in no position to help financially and the one who is shares some of the others' resentments toward their mother and lack of really caring what becomes of her. I just hope it doesn't come back to bite them in the posteriors later. For good or for ill, she is still their mother.
Lest anyone ask, she and I were married for 27 years and have known one another for 60. However, I remarried some years after the divorce during which I was taken to the cleaners financially and alienated from my children so I owe her nothing. My first loyalty, to include financially, is to my wife. We've helped in small ways but that will be the extent of it.
Nope, not at all. I had (and am still having) my 'day' and I've no intention of intruding on my son's day in the sun. It irks me when I hear an ignoramus say something selfish and unthinking like, "I had 5 kids so no chance I'll end up in a nursing home," or "A son is a son until he takes a wife..................."
A friend of mine who has OCD tendencies had her 90 y/o mother-in-law move out on her. She made room in her house for the woman but the mother-in-law didn't like eating when and what she was told or being treated like one of the kids so she moved out, got a cat, and lived another 10 years. Yes, her son bought the cat litter for her and did anything that required muscle, but a lot of us were in admiration of her. She died a week shy of her 100th birthday, in her own apartment, and living her life. I hope to be her someday!
In some cultures the elderly expect the children to take care of them in their final years. The parents took care of the kids when they were young, and now it is fitting that the kids take care of the parents in this time of their need.
Do you have any expectations of any family members about taking care of you in your declining years? It may not be just about the children.
"In some cultures..." is the interesting key to this question, which has been batted around quite a bit in this forum, especially before the separate forum for caregiving was created not so long ago. In some cultures the extended family still lives in the same town or village which means (among other things) that caregiving does not fall entirely on one individual. Yes, I know, even in the United States of 2012, there are some extended families still clustered together, but this is no longer the norm.
Another stark difference is the ability of modern medicine to prolong life, which is a mixed blessing. Frequently it means prolonguing life for those who are not fully functional. A few years ago - before World War II certainly but the change has been gradual - it was rare for people to linger for years and years in a bed-ridden or almost bed-ridden state. It was common to die after some months, or perhaps a year or two - after losing ones functionality. Now things go on and on, which in turn impacts the ability of family members to provide care, which in turn impacts the expectations.
This is a question which brings forth deeply held beliefs about what should be expected. Some people believe that it is shameful to put grandma or grandpa in some kind of care facility and if you really love them you will not do so. I do not share that belief, but almost no conversation is possible between the two camps.
Do you have any expectations of any family members about taking care of you in your declining years? It may not be just about the children.
I think about this, though I'm only (almost) 63. I've been taking care of family and friends for so long I'm tired of it, and I've wondered if there'll be anyone left to take care of me when the time comes. "Take care of" means different things to different people. But there comes a time when we'll need help and guidance when it comes to health or other living issues. Thus far I do have a couple of people I hope will remain available to assist in minor ways: a couple of children of my sister/brother and a close friend who at the moment is living in Florida. And, at the moment, I still have long-term care insurance (for how much longer is anyone's guess $$$). We can think about and plan for these things ... but who knows what the situation will be when our time comes. And it will come.
Nope. But, I wouldn't be surprised if some younger family members end up living with us due to the economy. We live near a city with a lot of jobs and high rents, so we've had nephews and nieces staying with us before for internships. I could see my sister eventually moving in with us, too. I that ends up happening then it stands to reason that person would probably contribute towards helping to take care of us.
I thni its more a cultural thing.Its no different tha see youg peoplelivng wit their famlies intot heir 20's or yong mothers reliant on their parents to day care their children or i mnay cases actually rasie their grand children for whatever reason.Its not some new found thing really in what family is and means. Perhaps the big chnage is that all older adults are not tended to at different levels in families as much as they were and younger are tended to more.Family changes with time to tale care of its mebers is all I see happening.In others the famly has disappeared and likely to with so amny not having children and society changes of what family means.
No. My parents put me in this position and honestly this is one(of many) reason I had no kids. So now I'm old and I have no one to take advantage of...and that's fine with me.
Taking care of elderly parents is tough. It goes on forever and it's depressing. You know they are never going to get better. There is a cure for childhood, it's an optimistic endeavor. They will go on and become adults.
My parents always told me they would they would never be a burden. Their intentions and motives were pure but they only lasted until they needed help.
While we have threatened to be a burden on our children's' lives in old age, in reality, it's the last thing we want to happen. Our retirement plan should be strong enough financially, so we'll be able to cover health care needs. I do know our kids will feel they have an obligation to care for us, but it won't happen unless there is only one of us and the survivor is too incapacitated to fight it.
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"In some cultures...."
