paying Mom's way? (divorce, divorced, separate, years)

[foxboro82]

My mom is in retirement my step dad is still working. My mom has prided herself in having an upper middle class life.

The question I have is am I justified in being a bit peeved that she expects me to pay her plane fare for visits.

It wouldn't bother me so much but they have been doing expensive remodels and a new car

I am have a new mortgage (and would love to have the $ to do remodels, but can't afford it for some time, plus plan to drive my used 2006 car at least 6 more years!). Plus i am hoping to be able to save enough for my own retirement.

[bUU]

Originally Posted by foxboro82

My mom is in retirement (67), my step dad is still working. My mom has prided herself in having an upper middle class life.

The question I have is am I justified in being a bit peeved that she expects me to pay her plane fare for visits...plus pretty much all expenses while she is here?

It wouldn't bother me so much but they have been doing expensive remodels on their home since buying it a couple of years ago and just bought a new rav4.

I am a divorced woman in my early 40s. No kids, but have a new mortgage (and would love to have the $ to do remodels, but can't afford it for some time, plus plan to drive my used corolla 2006 model at least 6 more years!). Plus i am hoping to be able to save enough for my own retirement.

I'd be peeved too. I think "Mom" is being presumptuous and selfish. If she wants to visit by all means let her, on her dime. Be a gracious hostess but that doesn't mean footing the bill to get her there and back.

You need to accept from the start that, if you mother and step-father have maintained separate finances, then your step-father's money is not your mother's money. So if those "expensive remodels" are reflections of your step-father's resources, then that sort of thing doesn't enter into the equation at all.

It is not uncommon for a guest to expect that a host will cover "expenses" (I assume you mean food in the fridge? and picking up the bill if you go out to dinner together? and not expecting to chip-in for gasoline when you drive somewhere together?) during a visit. It isn't always the way it works out, of course, but it is actually the default expectation. Many people, when hosting guests, resent the guest offering to pay their own way (though that is, admittedly, an extreme perspective in the opposite direction). By the same token, the default expectation is that guests will pay their own way to where they're visiting, except if the visit is something that, effectively, the guest is doing for the benefit of the host. (Note that these are default expectations for hosts and guests, other than family: Family priorities and family standards tend to overrule them - or not - depending on the family.)

Once beyond those matters, you need to ask yourself what is the reason for the visit. Do you want to have your mother visit? Without knowing your answer to that, it's hard to provide much insight for you. I do think - regardless - that it is fair to push back nicely: "I would love for you to visit, Mom, but I cannot afford the airfare this year." Don't let her second guess your own spending or saving objectives. Until all your debt is paid off (excluding your mortgage perhaps) and until you're putting an appropriate amount towards your own retirement, then everything - including your discretionary expenses which could include your mother's visit, if you see it that way - has to take a back seat.

Thanks! That makes sense.

They have combined expenses. Even my step dad sometimes complains but she 'wears the pants' in nearly all decisions. Including him not coming on the visits to see me, which he would like. But she prefers not to travel w him. She actually prefers to spend limited time with him and dreads the day he retires.

Originally Posted by foxboro82

They have combined expenses.

Just to be clear: There is a difference between combining "expenses" and combining "finances". My late mother and her second husband combined "expenses" but never combined "finances". He owned the house; they kept their accounts separate; his accounts had his daughter as sole beneficiary, and my mother's accounts had me and my siblings as beneficiaries. When the monthly expenses came in, they each wrote checks against their own accounts, splitting the household expenses, and neither ever was to pay their own personal expenses from the other's accounts.

Originally Posted by foxboro82

She actually prefers to spend limited time with him and dreads the day he retires.

Sounds like she's got a real problem.

[Dollydo]

I would tell her that you cannot afford to pay her way, if she really wants to see you she will buy herself a plane ticket. I made a BIG mistake, I spoiled my mother, she took advantage of me and never appreciated anything I did for her. I no longer pay for everything and she is not a happy camper...Oh well, live and learn.

[pnwretired]

good grief - no. Sounds like they have chosen to spend their money on what they want and you should do the same.

[foxboro82]

thanks all! I think this year I will say the plane ticket isn't in my budget and see if she decides to visit. I am kind of guessing not. If she does get her own ticket, I will definitely feel much less peeved about all the other expenses.

This last time I also payed for a somewhat lavish side event.

[old_cold]

Strange......this line that shows up in the post by bUU was actually what I posted before anybody else had yet replied.

"You shouldn't be peeved you should just not do so if you don't feel it's in your budget."

added....I also can't see the post she made that he quoted about combined expenses.......oh.....her post also ended up as part of his post

[TuborgP]

The OP says his mom has been and is use to living an upper middle class lifestyle. They haven't shared if she has an upper middle class income to comfortably support that life style. She may be maxed out on her available resources and really not able to afford a ticket and pay the bills for her upper middle class lifestyle. I know folks in that bind and it is a bind as they are unable to transition away from that life style especially when others they know don't. Mom may be suffering from the sucking your blood disease of debt and the interest on.

[jghorton]

A lack of communication and likely, a little 'guilt' has created and sustained unrealistic expectations. You have probably both also been playing 'one-upmanship' by inflating 'images' of your financial situations: ("She 'prides' her self on an upper middle class life," "This last time I also payed for a somewhat lavish side event" -- I'll bet that you have also never told her that this expense was a burden for you). Where is your step-father in this? ... Does he visit or is he otherwise controlling what she is able to spend?

There's nothing like a little honest communication to overcome a previous lack of open and honest communication: "Mom, let's talk about paying for your transportation costs when you come to visit. As much as I want to see you, this is simply not in my budget. Are you unwilling or unable to visit, unless I pay for the transportation?" (??BTW, How much does this transportation cost really amount to??).

If you don't deal with this, it is going to create more resentment than you are already feeling ... and likely a rift in your relationship. It's time to get to the bottom of this.

[CSD610]

You are not obligated to pay for anything to get your Mother to your home. If she wants to visit she should purchase her own ticket and any side event that she wants to attend she should also pay for. If you allow her to stay in your home she is saving hotel fees and there is no real reason I can think of that she should expect you to pay for everything when she visits.

[brava4]

Makes so much more grateful for my mother. I have to insist she take some money. She is always telling me to save, save, save.

To the OP, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Seems totally unnecessary.