paying Mom's way? (cities, Hawaii)

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Dollydo

I would tell her that you cannot afford to pay her way, if she really wants to see you she will buy herself a plane ticket. I made a BIG mistake, I spoiled my mother, she took advantage of me and never appreciated anything I did for her. I no longer pay for everything and she is not a happy camper...Oh well, live and learn.

Wow, I hope that my children (both just graduated) end up being able to afford to spoil me. I would really appreciate it. Just joking (I think).

I'm 61 and semi-retired, I certainly wouldn't expect my child to ignore their bills to pay for my plane ticket to visit them. In fact, I would be pretty irritated at them if I found out that they did that.

Originally Posted by foxboro82

thanks all! I think this year I will say the plane ticket isn't in my budget and see if she decides to visit. I am kind of guessing not. If she does get her own ticket, I will definitely feel much less peeved about all the other expenses.

This last time I also payed for a somewhat lavish side event.

That sounds like a great plan.

[rjm1cc]

This is not a problem of real need so no you should not feel you should have to pay her way. If she truly can not afford the trip and you would like her to come then you could help out but if that was the case you would not have been asking the question.

[Robyn55]

Maybe you can talk about getting some points/miles to get some free tickets (there are quite a few CC deals where you can get enough miles for a free economy domestic ticket simply by getting the card and spending a little money on it)? Robyn

[Queen Elizabeth's Nose]

The Royal Nose decrees that "Mom" is taking advantage of you. You must be Royal to take such advantage and have a fully sudsidized lifestyle. And the Royal Nose detects no whiff of Royalty about "Mom".

Thus, Off with her subsidized flights of fancy.

[bUU]

Originally Posted by bUU

I'd be peeved too. I think "Mom" is being presumptuous and selfish. If she wants to visit by all means let her, on her dime. Be a gracious hostess but that doesn't mean footing the bill to get her there and back.

Just a clarification. I did not write that. Clearly it was a software glitched that mixed a but of earlyretirement's message together with mine.

Originally Posted by bUU

You need to accept from the start that, if you mother and step-father have maintained separate finances, then your step-father's money is not your mother's money. So if those "expensive remodels" are reflections of your step-father's resources, then that sort of thing doesn't enter into the equation at all.

It is not uncommon for a guest to expect that a host will cover "expenses" (I assume you mean food in the fridge? and picking up the bill if you go out to dinner together? and not expecting to chip-in for gasoline when you drive somewhere together?) during a visit. It isn't always the way it works out, of course, but it is actually the default expectation. Many people, when hosting guests, resent the guest offering to pay their own way (though that is, admittedly, an extreme perspective in the opposite direction). By the same token, the default expectation is that guests will pay their own way to where they're visiting, except if the visit is something that, effectively, the guest is doing for the benefit of the host. (Note that these are default expectations for hosts and guests, other than family: Family priorities and family standards tend to overrule them - or not - depending on the family.)

Once beyond those matters, you need to ask yourself what is the reason for the visit. Do you want to have your mother visit? Without knowing your answer to that, it's hard to provide much insight for you. I do think - regardless - that it is fair to push back nicely: "I would love for you to visit, Mom, but I cannot afford the airfare this year." Don't let her second guess your own spending or saving objectives. Until all your debt is paid off (excluding your mortgage perhaps) and until you're putting an appropriate amount towards your own retirement, then everything - including your discretionary expenses which could include your mother's visit, if you see it that way - has to take a back seat.

I wrote all that.

Originally Posted by bUU

Thanks! That makes sense.

They have combined expenses. Even my step dad sometimes complains but she 'wears the pants' in nearly all decisions. Including him not coming on the visits to see me, which he would like. But she prefers not to travel w him. She actually prefers to spend limited time with him and dreads the day he retires.

I didn't write that.

Originally Posted by bUU

Just to be clear: There is a difference between combining "expenses" and combining "finances". My late mother and her second husband combined "expenses" but never combined "finances". He owned the house; they kept their accounts separate; his accounts had his daughter as sole beneficiary, and my mother's accounts had me and my siblings as beneficiaries. When the monthly expenses came in, they each wrote checks against their own accounts, splitting the household expenses, and neither ever was to pay their own personal expenses from the other's accounts.

Sounds like she's got a real problem.

I did write that.

[Queen Elizabeth's Nose]

The Royal Nose knows that EarlyRetirement is a newly ordained Moderator. And finds it within the realm of possibility that he suffers from multiple-window syndrome. This means he accidentally opened your post up when he thought he was creating a new post as he is alt-tabbing between the hidden mod forums where reports come in while enjoying the forum a bit himself.

[Wwanderer]

I'm at the point where if we want our son to visit us in Florida, we pay. I can't imagine this being reversed any time soon.

Back to when my mother was around, she also was in the "acscendent" financially, until about the end of her life. She bought us things, and paid for things.

My advice is that you should only pay for her visits if you *want* her to visit, invite her to visit. If she has the money, then she should pay. Perhaps it's an issue of their joint financial situation--perhaps money is not being shared with her, or perhaps they are actually not as well-off as it seems. New cars can mean a big car loan, for instance.

But no, don't pay for her to visit unless you can afford it, and want her to be there.

[LOL_Whut]

Offer to buy her a bus ticket on Greyhound if she can't afford plane tickets. Plenty of people take buses, and it's generally much cheaper. That's what I always offer if someone's doing the guilt trip thing...and then they miraculously find money in their budget for plane tickets!

PS: Doesn't work for Hawaii.

[BayAreaHillbilly]

I think certain Silents and older Boomers (such as the OP's Mom) are really out of touch regarding what people currently in mid life are going through. Sure, some of us have been unwise, however many of us have had many hard knocks and a very slow start in adult life, mostly due to macro factors. We have not hit our milestones on time (or in some cases at all) and we are not at similar points of stability versus our parents at the same age.

50 is the new 30 and I am not talking about biological age.

[imcurious]

OP: Your mother has serious entitlement issues. Why should you have to pay for her air fare? In what rule book is that written? Ugh. I would tell her "Thanks, but no thanks."