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NEG: My d-i-l is the sweetest, kindest person in the world, but she has never said thank you for anything I have sent.
My grandson takes after her. And I really don't care. I guess I was the same way when I was growing up.
Well I care to the extent that though grandma may forgive, the rest of the world may not. In social situations and workplace, acknowledging things given (gifts, job interviews, job offers, and promotions) with a simple handwritten or typed (not email) thank-you may translate to advancement. Not to mention what it says about you as a person.
What a strange question. It's like asking "Retirees without a horse to ride, how do you feel?".
I literally laughed out loud when I read this response. I realize there are those who will not get where you are coming from but I think is shows how, when people ask a question, they really should qualify as to whom they are specifically addressing their question.
Well the last post on this thread is about a year old, but it's a timely topic for me. Thank you PhxBarb for starting this conversation. Unfortunately, most of the responses have been from childless people or those who really don't have much interest in becoming grandparents. I suspect that you were, originally, hoping to hear more from others like yourself - those who felt sadness, loss and disappointment that grandchildren will not be a part of their lives going forward.
Well, that would be me. I absolutely loved raising my 2 girls and, along with my husband, created a happy, healthy home life. They're fully responsible adults at 29 and 32 - and now that they've found their life partners, my husband and I just assumed that sooner or later a little grand would show up. But it's not meant to be. They have both informed us that they just don't think they're cut out to be parents and could never imagine devoting the time and energy that we did!
So there you have it. Life is just a toss of the dice and all the planning in the world doesn't prepare you for what actually shows up. I'm still in the early stages of grieving, knowing that I will never get to do all the wonderful things I envisioned - our empty bedrooms will never be filled with children again. And, honestly, volunteering or nurturing other people's kids just won't fill this void - at least not for me.
So we will move on, retire where we want (without the pull of grandchildren) and start a different adventure. As our kids work to build their careers, I can also imagine that we might fade more into the background for them, and I will need to grow a thicker skin for this, as well.
Well the last post on this thread is about a year old, but it's a timely topic for me. Thank you PhxBarb for starting this conversation. Unfortunately, most of the responses have been from childless people or those who really don't have much interest in becoming grandparents. I suspect that you were, originally, hoping to hear more from others like yourself - those who felt sadness, loss and disappointment that grandchildren will not be a part of their lives going forward.
Well, that would be me. I absolutely loved raising my 2 girls and, along with my husband, created a happy, healthy home life. They're fully responsible adults at 29 and 32 - and now that they've found their life partners, my husband and I just assumed that sooner or later a little grand would show up. But it's not meant to be. They have both informed us that they just don't think they're cut out to be parents and could never imagine devoting the time and energy that we did!
So there you have it. Life is just a toss of the dice and all the planning in the world doesn't prepare you for what actually shows up. I'm still in the early stages of grieving, knowing that I will never get to do all the wonderful things I envisioned - our empty bedrooms will never be filled with children again. And, honestly, volunteering or nurturing other people's kids just won't fill this void - at least not for me.
So we will move on, retire where we want (without the pull of grandchildren) and start a different adventure. As our kids work to build their careers, I can also imagine that we might fade more into the background for them, and I will need to grow a thicker skin for this, as well.
It just doesn't seem healthy to want to lean upon the life-decisions of others, even family members, to envision how your own life will be lived in the future. It also may be putting a heavy guilt trip on your children who for that reason alone might want to fade into the background because of the disappointment they can see you feel towards them especially when you say you are grieving over their decision. What child wants to feel responsible for that?
I don't think it is their careers that could cause you to be less a part of their lives. If you take an interest in their careers as much as you would any grandchildren they would have had, it would keep you close. I don't know why you believe only grandchildren is the only thing that would keep you and your children together. That notion just doesn't make sense. You are not being fair to your kids. I never had kids and it didn't separate my mom and me as I worked on a career. My mom was proud of what I accomplished and that kept our relationship going just fine.
From my experience from the kids' point of view, if you are supportive of their decision and what they are doing with their lives with the emphasis on "their lives" and can try to put your own wishes aside, your relationship with them will be okay.
When I first read the topic, I felt a bit annoyed. How do they feel????
I have 3 grand-kids, several great-grands. All live in OK. I have not seen any of them in years. It's a very long sad story, and I don't really want to give the detail here.
Last time I saw them was when first great-grand was a few months old..... now about 11 yrs. Lots of bad feelings, etc. Lots of really bad things happened.
Today..... I wonder about them almost every day. But they were brought up to think grandma (she's from NY) "had money" and it wasn't true. But anytime they saw me, the hand was out.
They were pretty poor, my son didn't seem to think it was his problem. And I could not support them.
So I am a grandma without grand-kids. I feel lousy about it. I know in some ways I have failed.
It just doesn't seem healthy to want to lean upon the life-decisions of others, even family members, to envision how your own life will be lived in the future. It also may be putting a heavy guilt trip on your children who for that reason alone might want to fade into the background because of the disappointment they can see you feel towards them especially when you say you are grieving over their decision. What child wants to feel responsible for that?
I don't think it is their careers that could cause you to be less a part of their lives. If you take an interest in their careers as much as you would any grandchildren they would have had, it would keep you close. I don't know why you believe only grandchildren is the only thing that would keep you and your children together. That notion just doesn't make sense. You are not being fair to your kids. I never had kids and it didn't separate my mom and me as I worked on a career. My mom was proud of what I accomplished and that kept our relationship going just fine.
From my experience from the kids' point of view, if you are supportive of their decision and what they are doing with their lives with the emphasis on "their lives" and can try to put your own wishes aside, your relationship with them will be okay.
What? Who ever said that I've been laying a guilt trip on my children or leaning upon their life-decisions? Where in my post did you discern that we're drifting because the hope of a grandchild was keeping us together?? I love my kids unconditionally and we have a very healthy balance between us, not that I need to defend this to someone who has never even been a parent...
While they are well-aware of my (former) hopes, they also know that I feel very strongly that no one should ever bring a child into this world based on family or societal expectations.
Grieving about not having grands has nothing to do with the continuity of our relationship and my reference to us fading into the background has more to do with the fact that their lives are extremely busy, they will most likely have to relocate several times for career ops and it will get harder to see one another as often as we do now. They have been extremely loyal, close children and I admit that I've been spoiled...
It just doesn't seem healthy to want to lean upon the life-decisions of others, even family members, to envision how your own life will be lived in the future. It also may be putting a heavy guilt trip on your children who for that reason alone might want to fade into the background because of the disappointment they can see you feel towards them especially when you say you are grieving over their decision. What child wants to feel responsible for that?
I don't think it is their careers that could cause you to be less a part of their lives. If you take an interest in their careers as much as you would any grandchildren they would have had, it would keep you close. I don't know why you believe only grandchildren is the only thing that would keep you and your children together. That notion just doesn't make sense. You are not being fair to your kids. I never had kids and it didn't separate my mom and me as I worked on a career. My mom was proud of what I accomplished and that kept our relationship going just fine.
From my experience from the kids' point of view, if you are supportive of their decision and what they are doing with their lives with the emphasis on "their lives" and can try to put your own wishes aside, your relationship with them will be okay.
What? Who ever said that I've been laying a guilt trip on my children or leaning upon their life-decisions? Where in my post did you discern that we're drifting because the hope of a grandchild was keeping us together??
I read it the same way, FWIW.
I have no kids (never wanted them), but I do have two greats (niece/nephew) whom I love like my own.
Is there not any volunteer organizations where you live which deals with children or babies where you could volunteer your time? Just a thought.
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