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Very good post. Fortunately I have no experience in the area but do know a few people who have gone through the death of a spouce. You no longer can share responsibilities or activities so yes reinventing yourself is a good term on what you have to do to adjust to your new life. Look for activities you can enjoy outside of your home.
2019 - I'm really trying to be healthy and during this process (working out with a trainer and also walking 4 miles a day), the trainer mentioned something to me.
This is going to sound really stupid but I have never used my given name. I hate it; still hate it but my parents gave me a nickname which went OK with my maiden name but kind of sounds flat with my married name.
The other night, he wanted to know what my name was from. He did not know it was a nickname.
So, I told this to the trainer.
He said, well, why don't you go by ___ and it would sound good with your last name? Well, it does and then I had this dream.
I dreamed I had moved away to a 55 plus, took this name, was thinner, was doing all the things I missed out on in life, having friends, all the social stuff and then I woke up.
Do people actually do this?
Yes, if it can be done with one's life circumstances.
My boyfriend of 10 - 11 years died suddenly when he was 59 and I was 52, almost 7 years ago. I miss him tremendously, and I have been working less/traveling more with the realization that life is very short, but I am the same otherwise. I have about 40,000 e-mails in my mailbox, and often when I search the mailbox, his old e-mail will come up, looking as though he just e-mailed me something! Even though I have his ashes, I never fully mentally processed his death - whether because it happened suddenly or because of all the e-mails, it permanently seems as though he could just come back any minute... Anyway, no, in my case there has been no reinvention of anything, just the awareness that this life is really, really short...
My boyfriend of 10 - 11 years died suddenly when he was 59 and I was 52, almost 7 years ago. I miss him tremendously, and I have been working less/traveling more with the realization that life is very short, but I am the same otherwise. I have about 40,000 e-mails in my mailbox, and often when I search the mailbox, his old e-mail will come up, looking as though he just e-mailed me something! Even though I have his ashes, I never fully mentally processed his death - whether because it happened suddenly or because of all the e-mails, it permanently seems as though he could just come back any minute... Anyway, no, in my case there has been no reinvention of anything, just the awareness that this life is really, really short...
You didn't state that you wanted to reinvent anything.
2019 - I'm really trying to be healthy and during this process (working out with a trainer and also walking 4 miles a day), the trainer mentioned something to me.
This is going to sound really stupid but I have never used my given name. I hate it; still hate it but my parents gave me a nickname which went OK with my maiden name but kind of sounds flat with my married name.
The other night, he wanted to know what my name was from. He did not know it was a nickname.
So, I told this to the trainer.
He said, well, why don't you go by ___ and it would sound good with your last name? Well, it does and then I had this dream.
I dreamed I had moved away to a 55 plus, took this name, was thinner, was doing all the things I missed out on in life, having friends, all the social stuff and then I woke up.
Do people actually do this?
I had two co-workers--husband and wife. The husband moved on to another position in another institution but the woman remained on staff. Fast forward a few years. Lo and behold, the husband had an affair--or tried to solicit one--with their teenage daughter's friend. The decision to divorce was instant for the wife.
Rather than keeping her married name OR going back to her maiden name, she selected a brand new last name, still retaining her given first name. I'm not sure how she came up with the new last name--whether it was inspired by someone or something she knew, or if it was picked out of thin air.
My boyfriend of 10 - 11 years died suddenly when he was 59 and I was 52, almost 7 years ago. I miss him tremendously, and I have been working less/traveling more with the realization that life is very short, but I am the same otherwise. I have about 40,000 e-mails in my mailbox, and often when I search the mailbox, his old e-mail will come up, looking as though he just e-mailed me something! Even though I have his ashes, I never fully mentally processed his death - whether because it happened suddenly or because of all the e-mails, it permanently seems as though he could just come back any minute... Anyway, no, in my case there has been no reinvention of anything, just the awareness that this life is really, really short...
I'm so sorry for your loss, Elnrgby. It must be hard to see his emails pop up even now. Hugs to you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Elnrgby. It must be hard to see his emails pop up even now. Hugs to you.
Thank you kindly, Trobesmom. The mails are my fortune, actually. I think his mails are the most valuable thing I have, he is so alive and present inside them.
I haven't had to reinvent myself in the last quarter century but I realized a short time ago that I've been preparing to.
There are times when I am short with DH because he's trying to do things for me that I can do for myself. It feels as though he's trying to make me utterly dependent on him. And that must not be. I can't allow it. If he goes first and I've forgotten or lost the knack or are no longer physically capable of what I can do now because he kept me from doing it, I'm going to be in horrible shape. Not just emotionally devastated, bad as that is, but helpless. How then will I be able to survive and even get to the reinvention stage?
My wife died eleven years ago and I went through this reinvention process. It took a while and was hard but i'm better for it now. Many of us spend more time with our spouse than with our parents and they have a huge influence on our lives and how we see ourselves. I lived a few years as a single guy and knew I could do it again but some people don't know that. For people in this situation I would recommend making a few new friends that didn't know your deceased spouse so you can be yourself and not be the widow-hood poster child for a while. Join a club or bowling team or something or maybe volunteer at a new place where you are a single person and not a widow(er).
I'm not sure if any of us truly "reinvent" ourselves, but more likely it's that we discover or acknowledge certain aspects of ourselves that we may not have recognized or had kept under wraps deliberately.
I was originally going to say that I reinvented myself after splitting up with my husband but then realized that the process had begun before that point. If it hadn't, I wouldn't have been ready to do that but would have continued to go on as I had been previously. For me it was more of a recognition of self-worth rather than a reinvention of self (which to me implies deliberately becoming someone different than I previously was.) I have always been the person I am now, it just took until a certain point in my life to recognize that as being a good thing.
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