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Totally agree. I should have divorced a month or 2 after I married but didn't. I knew it was a mistake. Then 28 years later I was finally able to get out of the mess and become myself again. I believe that, for the most part, divorce is a freeing , life saving occurrence and very few regret doing it.
this is me also, I agree with this 100%.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nor'Eastah
Choosing divorce almost always means choosing a lower standard of living.
lower standard of living? yes
but for me, a much higher quality of life after divorce, because peace of mind, happiness, integrity, dignity, safety, kindness, self-respect, contentment are not about finances.
I think it is sad when a couple goes through all the hard stuff; raising kids, changing jobs, riding the ups and downs of family life, and then doesn't make it to the finish line of companionship and supportiveness that comes in retirement.
If a couple was miserable while they were both working, they will certainly be miserable with 24/7 togetherness. I know many women who have just had enough, and would rather spend their days in a tiny apartment in peace, than spend another day in a fancy house with a man they can't stand.
Put me in the glad I am divorced slot. I should have done it about 15 minutes after I married, but lasted 20 years. What a lot of hard hard work and what a waste of valuable time. Much happier now.
What amazes me is how many marriages end despite there being no abuse, cheating, financial strain/unemployment, mental illness or drugs/alcohol. People simply decide that they have better options, that "life is too short" for the suboptimal… so they split.
We hear so often about marrying the "wrong" person, and subsequent regret. This happens, and is not to be dismissed lightly. But there is another scenario: marrying the "right" person, spending many mutually rewarding years together, and then suddenly discovering that that person has changed, that he/she is not longer "right", or at least so that person believes.
I am in that age group now, and have been married since I was 31. I can't imagine getting divorced now or at any time in our past. Maybe because we were both out of school for a few years and had matured a bit, we were ready for marriage.
Yes, kids and finances cause stress and problems, but those will come and go with time and effort. You have to take a long view of things.
My wife does work outside the home, and pretty much always has so if something were to happen to me, she would be able to support herself ok.
The only thing that justifies divorce in my opinion is infidelity or physical abuse. Everything else can and should be worked out. Its not always easy loving someone, but that is what you agree to when you take the oath, for better or worse and in sickness and health.
That assumes you picked the "right person" who is willing to work it out. It takes two to tango and only one to decide they want a divorce. People do change over time and not always in positive directions or at least in the same direction.
My brother-in-law married his wife when he was 20 and she 19. Eight months later came baby # 1 and 2 years later came baby # 2. These two fought like cats & dogs, no physical abuse, no cheating, split up several times but got back together for "the sake of the kids" even though they pretty much detested each other. They finally called it quits 25 years later when both the kids were grown and on their own. My niece and nephew who are now in their 30s with spouses and children of their own wished their parents had split up years ago because living in that hostile environment was a nightmare for them. I think you should add emotional abuse of children to your list of justifications for divorce because some kids suffer more when parents stay together than they do when they part.
That is so true!! My parents argued constantly and my mother would go cry in the kitchen while cooking dinner. I was often put in the middle of their disagreements, with each complaining to me about the other. Not a good position for a child. My mother was obviously very unhappy and took it out on me by systematically putting me down at every opportunity. Years after I moved out and after my father passed away, my mother acted like they had had the most perfect relationship. I told her most of what I remembered was unhappiness and verbal altercations and disagreements, and she told me all of that changed when I moved out because, apparently, I was the cause of it.
That is so true!! My parents argued constantly and my mother would go cry in the kitchen while cooking dinner. I was often put in the middle of their disagreements, with each complaining to me about the other. Not a good position for a child. My mother was obviously very unhappy and took it out on me by systematically putting me down at every opportunity. Years after I moved out and after my father passed away, my mother acted like they had had the most perfect relationship. I told her most of what I remembered was unhappiness and verbal altercations and disagreements, and she told me all of that changed when I moved out because, apparently, I was the cause of it.
Oh, I know it isn't because I well remember their arguments and they had nothing to do with me, at least not any more than most disagreements parents seem to have about their child(ren). But it takes a huge toll on kids to have to live with unhappy parents. In my mother's case, she always worked and had the means to strike out on her own. But she got pregnant with me fairly early in the relationship and then probably felt trapped while "trying to do the right thing". I know quite a few others who are also damaged by bad parental relationships, so as Nightengale pointed out, staying together "for the kid(s)" is probably a really bad idea in most cases.
Oh, I know it isn't because I well remember their arguments and they had nothing to do with me, at least not any more than most disagreements parents seem to have about their child(ren). But it takes a huge toll on kids to have to live with unhappy parents. In my mother's case, she always worked and had the means to strike out on her own. But she got pregnant with me fairly early in the relationship and then probably felt trapped while "trying to do the right thing". I know quite a few others who are also damaged by bad parental relationships, so as Nightengale pointed out, staying together "for the kid(s)" is probably a really bad idea in most cases.
You exist because of these flawed people. We are all flawed by something our parents did, or did not do, but we make our own way, despite it. We are able to make our own way because of these people. So just say thank you, and live your life.
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