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I think that there are four kinds of decisions in marriages.
First, there are the decisions that no one is really all that interested or emotional about. In those cases, you pick the option that is most convenient or inexpensive and you are done.
Second, there are the decisions that are important to me but my wife couldn't care less about. For example, I generally make the decision on what car model to purchase as I will handle all the maintenance and hassles and the like. My wife wants only to be involved in the color of the vehicle.
Third, there are the decisions my wife is passionate about but I don't care about. She wants to select the mattress, handle the home decoration decisions and the like. She will make those decisions and I only get involved if there is a lot of $$$ involved.
Then there are those decisions that we are both passionate about - retirement location, financial planning, vacations, etc. In these cases, no decision is made until we have some consensus. It is like the UN Security Council. We both have a veto and we can use it. What generally has happened over the last 35 years is that we can find some compromise over time that will resolve many of the objections so that things get done. Of course, this only works if there is a level of communication between the parties and that there is a level of trust.
That sounds great...until when those important decisions can't be made due to a face-off...so you end up right where you are. So if you both want to go on vacation, it's great because neither of you get to go until you agree - you're motivated to decide so you can both do something fun.
Now, in the case of the e OP's husband - he wants to stay there and since they aren't in agreement, the status quo "wins"...as does he. At least as long as she doesn't move on her own. Sticking to the status quo until agreement is reached ONLY works if both people want a change of some sort and aren't okay with the current state of affairs. There has to be some motivation to come to an agreement or nothing happens.
I'm not saying who is "right" in this situation....
Wow this really hit a nerve. I went through a similar situation several years ago. My solution was to divorce. Not because I wanted what I wanted, but because my husbands absolute refusal to even consider moving when push came to shove showed me how little he valued my happiness. Like the OP I spent years listening to him evade, telling me he was considering options and was open to the idea of moving 'at some point'. We spent years living where he wanted, with him knowing I was miserable there, but when we finally had the opportunity to move he 'just couldn't leave everything behind' . Hearing that gives a person a real sense of what is truly important to their spouse, and knowing that your happiness is way down the list.... that isn't my idea of a good marriage.
Oh, and it's totally not about the 'where'. Makes no difference if the OP wants to move to a cave in the middle of nowhere, a private tropical island, or anywhere in AZ. If CA was a total paradise and OP could live there without it costing a dime, it doesn't change things. The point is that where she is now does not make her happy and her husband does not seem to be concerned enough about her happiness to even consider making any kind of change.
According to her.
I expect that if the husband was the one posting here we may not even recognize the same story.
Your final statement regarding not even considering making a change flies in the face of their conversations and trip together described by the OP.
Your final statement regarding not even considering making a change flies in the face of their conversations and trip together described by the OP.
Not really, my husband was willing to talk the talk, as long as it was only talk. It was a useful way to keep me pacified, he let me keep my dreams of a future I was looking forward to in order to keep peace in the present, all the while having no intention of actually following through. And yeah, we took trips too... anything to avoid conflict I guess.
Wow this really hit a nerve. I went through a similar situation several years ago. My solution was to divorce. Not because I wanted what I wanted, but because my husbands absolute refusal to even consider moving when push came to shove showed me how little he valued my happiness. Like the OP I spent years listening to him evade, telling me he was considering options and was open to the idea of moving 'at some point'. We spent years living where he wanted, with him knowing I was miserable there, but when we finally had the opportunity to move he 'just couldn't leave everything behind' . Hearing that gives a person a real sense of what is truly important to their spouse, and knowing that your happiness is way down the list.... that isn't my idea of a good marriage.
Oh, and it's totally not about the 'where'. Makes no difference if the OP wants to move to a cave in the middle of nowhere, a private tropical island, or anywhere in AZ. If CA was a total paradise and OP could live there without it costing a dime, it doesn't change things. The point is that where she is now does not make her happy and her husband does not seem to be concerned enough about her happiness to even consider making any kind of change.
Looking back was the divorce worth it and if so, should you not have waited as long as you did?
Moving might just be exchanging one set of problems for another and moving is no guarantee of happiness.
I see it all the time with people retiring and moving back to where they call home... thing is after 25-40 years that place no longer exists...
If it worked for you then you did the right thing... plenty of stories of those that moved and the move did not meet the expectations.
Leaving California is often a one way ticket... especially if you have owned property for some time...
The folks I bought my home from were paying $1200 annual property taxes and the day I bought it went to 9k...
Looking back was the divorce worth it and if so, should you not have waited as long as you did?
Definitely worth it, I didn't move 'back home', I moved to a new place where I 'felt at home' after a lot of research. Part of my success was that I felt like I was moving to something I wanted, not so much that I was moving away from something.
My circumstances are a little different than OP, but similar enough that I sympathize. My hubby kept moving the goalpost and delaying, 'oh after I get this promotion and prove myself', then 'maybe we should work on fixing the house up', 'maybe when the kids are older' ... and then the last kid graduated HS and there were no excuses left and the truth came out. He just didn't want to leave what was familiar and comfortable, his friends and relatives were there and he put them before me. Obviously not a great marriage by that point, but that really opened my eyes as to just how broken it was.
If OP can work out a compromise that's certainly worth striving for, if she wants to stay married. In my situation I decided things were too broken for me to even want to fix.
Not really, my husband was willing to talk the talk, as long as it was only talk. It was a useful way to keep me pacified, he let me keep my dreams of a future I was looking forward to in order to keep peace in the present, all the while having no intention of actually following through. And yeah, we took trips too... anything to avoid conflict I guess.
AS much as you'd like to force them into the same mold your situation and the OP's are not the same and each must be looked at objectively on their own.
Oh, and it's totally not about the 'where'. Makes no difference if the OP wants to move to a cave in the middle of nowhere, a private tropical island, or anywhere in AZ. If CA was a total paradise and OP could live there without it costing a dime, it doesn't change things. The point is that where she is now does not make her happy and her husband does not seem to be concerned enough about her happiness to even consider making any kind of change.
Relationships make us happy. You could live in paradise and be miserable for lack.
No personal offense meant, but I'm kind of getting exasperated by posters painting a dire predicament in their OP, asking for advice, and within days more and more is said by the OP that smacks of back peddling, as in the two bolded statements above. Then comes the detracting statements, in this case poor hubby has falls, throwing us off from the original predicament stated re: I want to move to AZ and hubby doesn't, what to do. Wring hands. And then the supporting evidence for a divorce (the stand-down over tea), and finally a lighthearted brushoff to the whole drama. I've seen this before on CD, and I do get miffed b/c readers pour a lot of energy into "helping" over many thread pages, advice and compassionate remarks
that seems to be ignored in end or testily disputed.
Please state what the reality is: is a major move really a deal breaker in the marriage? Was the tea incident really a factor in all this? Is divorce on the horizon or is this just an interesting story?
I think that for people who do this it serves several purposes...it allows them to present their (likely) one-sided perspective and usually get a lot of support and agreement. They get to get even more worked up..as advice often progress from mild to JDTMFA. But then they get scared at everything going a little too extreme and the prospect that they might actually have to DO something rather than just ruminate over it as they probably have for months or years.
So then they back off a bit and tell the other side, to be fair. Then they get convinced that they really have it good after all and that they really shouldn't do anything! So they feel like they DID do something by coming here and getting all worked up and REALLY thinking it through but by golly after doing that they're convinced that things are okay and they'll just stand pat. A great delusion for them but exhausting to all of us and really frustrating. I can think of at least one other poster who is an expert at it!
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