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Hello. I have a troubled father - I am 40 years old and he is 73. My father was a successful executive for many years - a workaholic, also an alcoholic. He made a lot of money and inherited a lot of money when his mother died. He also grew to hate working so once he inherited the money, he retired early but kept spending. He had a severe anger problem and was verbally abusive to our entire family, especially after drinking. He was generous, but neither my sister or I ever got a penny of his inheritance. 15 years ago, my mother saw the writing on the wall and divorced him. They both began dating and he met a woman online. With no income and his money slipping away, he bought this woman a $20,000 engagement ring and $40,000 Lexus.
A few years later, he could not afford his mortgage, and left the big city to go live with this woman who had moved to a much more affordable city in the South. He got a job working in the produce section at a grocery store for close to minimum wage. He also financed his own Lexus with a $500/month car payment around this time. He never got married to this woman but still dates her, most people think his drinking scared her off. As far as I know, she kept the ring and still drives the Lexus.
For the last year or so, he has been rotating between my Uncle and I asking to "borrow" money. He has not paid back any of it. I have decent income but live in an extremely expensive city. I barely make ends meet with my own job and have explained this to him, but it has not changed anything.
He is his own worst enemy and completely to blame for his financial situation. I feel like telling him this but am concerned on how it would effect him. He just had heart surgery and is not the most emotionally stable person. I visited him last year and his drinking was worse than ever. How do you suggest I deal with this? Thanks
Hello. I have a troubled father - I am 40 years old and he is 73. My father was a successful executive for many years - a workaholic, also an alcoholic. He made a lot of money and inherited a lot of money when his mother died. He also grew to hate working so once he inherited the money, he retired early but kept spending. He had a severe anger problem and was verbally abusive to our entire family, especially after drinking. He was generous, but neither my sister or I ever got a penny of his inheritance. 15 years ago, my mother saw the writing on the wall and divorced him. They both began dating and he met a woman online. With no income and his money slipping away, he bought this woman a $20,000 engagement ring and $40,000 Lexus.
A few years later, he could not afford his mortgage, and left the big city to go live with this woman who had moved to a much more affordable city in the South. He got a job working in the produce section at a grocery store for close to minimum wage. He also financed his own Lexus with a $500/month car payment around this time. He never got married to this woman but still dates her, most people think his drinking scared her off. As far as I know, she kept the ring and still drives the Lexus.
For the last year or so, he has been rotating between my Uncle and I asking to "borrow" money. He has not paid back any of it. I have decent income but live in an extremely expensive city. I barely make ends meet with my own job and have explained this to him, but it has not changed anything.
He is his own worst enemy and completely to blame for his financial situation. I feel like telling him this but am concerned on how it would effect him. He just had heart surgery and is not the most emotionally stable person. I visited him last year and his drinking was worse than ever. How do you suggest I deal with this? Thanks
I know you feel terrible when you see the state your father's life is in, and you really want to help him. But you can't. And you're risking your own financial health to try to shore his up.
The answer is simple, but it's not easy. Next time he asks for help, you tell him some version of "Sorry, I can't. I'm tapped out."
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Yeah, move this to relationship or eldercare or Psych.
I inherited my BROKE father the day I turned 18. I bought him a house before I had my own. Surprisingly we both survived for the next 32 yrs, but it took a lot out of me.
He is now deceased and much happier and well cared for.
I am better for having endured that situation (tho it was not fun. )
We spent a lot of time in hospitals, rehab, community services.
Get some guidance from professionals.
If he is VA eligible, find him a VA home / community, while he is ambulatory (might be impossible to qualify if you wait too long.)
You can't help him because he has no desire to change.
If you give him money, view it as a gift. If you don't want to give him money tell you can't afford it.
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See if you can get him to go into an alcohol/drug rehab center that hopefully his medical insurance will cover.
Many areas in the south have senior living that can be covered pretty much by a,social security check, maybe he would consider one of those types of living arrangements once he is sober.
Don't give him money--it will buy more alcohol. Maybe suggest he return the car to the dealer and get an affordable used one for the trade in value, if its not belly up. Try to give him guidance to help him, but not money
You can't help him because he has no desire to change.
If you give him money, view it as a gift. If you don't want to give him money tell you can't afford it.
^^^^this
If you really feel the need to 'help', offer to give him $x each month. no more, no less. I put help in quotes because it will only make you feel better. It won't really help him. As mentioned, he's the only one that can help himself.
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