How do you deal with the pervasive flakiness here? (Seattle: college, to live in)

[Rcsligar]

Originally Posted by Adrian71

This is very true. I'm a transplant, but I fit in perfectly with the culture here. Call me a flake; that's fine. I've been called worse. We're just introverts here, and we tend to be friendly but passive. That's how we roll. I'm sure it stinks for gregarious extroverts who thrive on human interaction, but think of how I -- someone who scores 100% introvert every time I take one of those Myers-Briggs personality tests -- felt living on the East Coast, where people are loud and rude, push themselves on you, get in your face, and never shut their mouths. It was a nightmare.

If you find a lot of people flaking out on social obligations, it's very possible they felt pushed into saying yes, and then dealt with it by just not showing up. If someone is really into you, they'll show up. If they don't show up, well, I imagine you wouldn't want to have that person around anyway, so no harm, no foul.

So how do you deal with it? I dunno. Work really hard at finding a fellow extrovert (they're here, and not quite as rare as Republicans), or keep hoping you can pop an introvert's bubble enough to get them to let you in to their private inner circle. Anything is possible, I suppose.

See, I am also an introvert by definition although I probably fall more around the 70% mark. I think there's a big difference between being introverted and not being direct/valuing your commitments. Regardless of your personality type, I think it's vitally important to honor your commitments. To classify those who don't care for flakiness as extroverted is ignorant, as I am introverted and take my word seriously. To sum it up, you can be introverted and not passive. Although I think you can even be somewhat passive and not a total flake.

Also, I don't care for abrasive east coast culture either. I think a happy medium is desirable, although I definitely prefer the culture here overall.

[DP79]

Originally Posted by Rcsligar

See, I am also an introvert by definition although I probably fall more around the 70% mark. I think there's a big difference between being introverted and not being direct/valuing your commitments. Regardless of your personality type, I think it's vitally important to honor your commitments. To classify those who don't care for flakiness as extroverted is ignorant, as I am introverted and take my word seriously. To sum it up, you can be introverted and not passive. Although I think you can even be somewhat passive and not a total flake.

Also, I don't care for abrasive east coast culture either. I think a happy medium is desirable, although I definitely prefer the culture here overall.

I think what you're saying is there's no reason being introverted should be an excuse for being rude.

[mrslovettstailor]

Originally Posted by Adrian71

This is very true. I'm a transplant, but I fit in perfectly with the culture here. Call me a flake; that's fine. I've been called worse. We're just introverts here, and we tend to be friendly but passive. That's how we roll. I'm sure it stinks for gregarious extroverts who thrive on human interaction, but think of how I -- someone who scores 100% introvert every time I take one of those Myers-Briggs personality tests -- felt living on the East Coast, where people are loud and rude, push themselves on you, get in your face, and never shut their mouths. It was a nightmare.

If you find a lot of people flaking out on social obligations, it's very possible they felt pushed into saying yes, and then dealt with it by just not showing up. If someone is really into you, they'll show up. If they don't show up, well, I imagine you wouldn't want to have that person around anyway, so no harm, no foul.

So how do you deal with it? I dunno. Work really hard at finding a fellow extrovert (they're here, and not quite as rare as Republicans), or keep hoping you can pop an introvert's bubble enough to get them to let you in to their private inner circle. Anything is possible, I suppose.

Being extroverted or introverted has nothing to do with it. If you do not want to do something SAY so otherwise you are LYING to that person. You don't just let someone make plans with you and then not show up--that IS foul. They took time for you when they could have been doing something else. Maybe they had something come up that making honoring their commitment with you that they should have been doing or made it inconvenient to meet you but they kept their word, why should they have to sit and wait for you NOT to show up? That is what it comes down to here. Being introverted does not make the behavior acceptable. You don't want to go somewhere? Then say it. If you cannot honor a commitment? Then for goodness sakes take a minute and call the person and let them know.

[mrslovettstailor]

Originally Posted by Rcsligar

See, I am also an introvert by definition although I probably fall more around the 70% mark. I think there's a big difference between being introverted and not being direct/valuing your commitments. Regardless of your personality type, I think it's vitally important to honor your commitments. To classify those who don't care for flakiness as extroverted is ignorant, as I am introverted and take my word seriously. To sum it up, you can be introverted and not passive. Although I think you can even be somewhat passive and not a total flake.

Also, I don't care for abrasive east coast culture either. I think a happy medium is desirable, although I definitely prefer the culture here overall.

Great way of putting it

[Rcsligar]

Originally Posted by DP79

I think what you're saying is there's no reason being introverted should be an excuse for being rude.

Not just rude, but a complete and utter flake.

[skidamarink]

To be honest, I don't think the Pacific NW differs from most of the USA in terms of passive aggressive behavior and flakeyness. A lot of Europeans joke that this is how Americans are overall. It's probably more that the East Coast is just it's own unique subculture of blunt but sincere types. Most of the US is not like that. Of course, I can only speak from my personal experience, but I've always thought East Coasters are an odd bunch to deal with. The ones I've come across in life were always wary and standoffish with new people, but once you're a friend of theirs, you're like family. But it's difficult to determine when you've entered that stage with them. It's an unusual concept for me, but then again these people became some of the greatest friends I've ever had.

[TrueTimbers]

Originally Posted by mrslovettstailor

Being extroverted or introverted has nothing to do with it. If you do not want to do something SAY so otherwise you are LYING to that person. You don't just let someone make plans with you and then not show up--that IS foul. They took time for you when they could have been doing something else. Maybe they had something come up that making honoring their commitment with you that they should have been doing or made it inconvenient to meet you but they kept their word, why should they have to sit and wait for you NOT to show up? That is what it comes down to here. Being introverted does not make the behavior acceptable. You don't want to go somewhere? Then say it. If you cannot honor a commitment? Then for goodness sakes take a minute and call the person and let them know.

Funny your response to Adrian71 is exactly why passive introvert people will tell aggressive extrovert people what they want to hear...LOL

It is likely the passive introvert would have never committed, unless they felt "forced" into it by the aggressive extrovert!!! IMHO one can only blame themselves for this outcome.. (Then you will be thinking like a passive..ha!)

Read Adrian71's post again and read your response... Clear as day. Adrian71 is is right on target with the answer why people flake out...

Don't you see it?! It is simply a way for them to escape the perceived "giant 800 pound screaming gorilla" that will attack if confronted.

Possibly if aggressive extroverted types, "turned down their volume" they could hear the clear message the passive introverts are whispering...

[Rcsligar]

Originally Posted by TrueTimbers

Funny your response to Adrian71 is exactly why passive introvert people will tell aggressive extrovert people what they want to hear...LOL

Read Adrian71's post again and read your response... Clear as day. Adrian71 is is right on target with the answer why people flake out...

Don't you see it?! It is simply a way for them to "escape the giant 800 pound screaming gorilla" that will attack if confronted.

Possibly if aggressive extroverted types, "turned down their volume" they could hear the clear message the passive introverts are whispering...

I am very laid back and modest in my approach with others, hardly a "giant 800 pound screaming gorilla."
Yet I still find it extremely difficult to simply go grab a bite to eat with someone.

[TrueTimbers]

Originally Posted by Rcsligar

I am very laid back and modest in my approach with others, hardly a "giant 800 pound screaming gorilla."
Yet I still find it extremely difficult to simply go grab a bite to eat with someone.

To whom are you laid back? In your mind? (That big ole gorilla, likely does not think it is very "scary" either.)

For the record I try to not flake out on commitment, if I do not follow through on a commitment, I torture myself for decades when it happens. That sucks!

SO... The solution for me is to simply avoid people when I am not on "stage". LOL

It is my opinion most do it "flake out" because it is the path of least resistance. Plain and simple. Sure, saying no, is the honorable thing to do, but keep in mind that is a major deal to confront and let someone down too their face... That can destroy a passive for months if not years....... Saying yes, then blowing off the commitment, is easier for some because in THEIR minds they were "forced into it".

One can talk about how "they" "should" change, but what does that accomplish??... The only person we can change is ourselves.

Keep in mind for some grabbing a bite to eat is just about as big of a commitment as saying yes to marriage!

Sorry, it is so tough for those of you that have more casual social needs. I can only suggest giving "us" lots of space and don't expect or ask for much from passives. Commitment of any type looms huge in our minds like that screaming 800 pound gorilla...

[bmorefreespirit]

Originally Posted by mrslovettstailor

Being extroverted or introverted has nothing to do with it. If you do not want to do something SAY so otherwise you are LYING to that person. You don't just let someone make plans with you and then not show up--that IS foul. They took time for you when they could have been doing something else. Maybe they had something come up that making honoring their commitment with you that they should have been doing or made it inconvenient to meet you but they kept their word, why should they have to sit and wait for you NOT to show up? That is what it comes down to here. Being introverted does not make the behavior acceptable. You don't want to go somewhere? Then say it. If you cannot honor a commitment? Then for goodness sakes take a minute and call the person and let them know.

At least rcsligar and mrslovettstailor are making comments i can agree with. Committing to meet someone and then bailing is rude for the reasons mrslovettstailor above. The person who is waiting for you is dependent upon you showing up. Imagine how you would feel if you arranged a date and your hot date never showed up. I am what I would describe as a social introvert, i don't need to be the center of the party all the time. I don't even ask people for their numbers anymore since I know they'll never follow through on plans to meet up. I just wish people here were more straightforward and honest. Except for my best friends, I wouldn't depend on anyone to bring tortilla chips to a party. East Coasters may be rude because they are in your face and aggressive, but Seattle people are rude because they are so self-centered and oblivious of others except themselves.