3 years later I'm still wondering why I was unsuccessful socially in Seattle (transplants, 2013)

[Rcsligar]

Hi all, not to beat a dead horse on the "Seattle Freeze" topic, I just wanted to post to get this off my chest because I've been struggling to understand how I failed in epic proportions in the millienial social scene in Seattle. It is upsetting to me because I made the effort to move out there from SW Florida three years ago and have nothing to show for it. I am now back in my home state and I sometimes still wonder how I could have made things work out better.

Anyway, I moved out there to attend Seattle university in the fall of 2013. I ignored posts about the Seattle freeze and tried to be optimistic about acclimating. But unfortunately for me I failed to get anyone to take the extra step so to speak in pursuing a friendship. Sometimes people would seem friendly enough but then when I would make the effort to invite them for coffee or a concert or something afterwards I could never get anywhere. It seems like being polite is important there but people don't like to interact outside their particular cliques. There was one group of people I knew even that went to the same high school in San Jose and shared the same dorm room, etc. Seattle u itself turned out to be very conservative so it wasn't like it was very easy to get out and meet people at parties. I even made the effort to DJ at this kids house in the neighborhood a few times and I still didn't get anywhere from that.

So I guess my question to you all is whether or not you have had similar experiences. It doesn't matter what your age is still feel free to share your stories.

One thing I think is pretty clear is coming from the south our social customs are a bit different than up there. So to each their own I guess.

[homesinseattle]

Hey Rc, I've said this before. I'm not saying some of your observations are without merit but did you enjoy the outdoors, hike, ski, kayak, get out in nature on a regular basis? Did you join any groups related to that and really immerse yourself in that culture? I have honestly found after 27 years in Seattle (I am a Miami boy originally), the people who get outside are the ones who are the most optimistic, positive and happy people. They also in my opinion tend to be the people most open to real friendships and authentic, lasting connections. I've formed some great relationships that way, also at places of shared interest, like the health club, coed soccer and volleyball. Perhaps all of those places have something in common: places people move their bodies, interact with others.

Interestingly, I've heard some people say that they can only make friends with people from other places who live in Seattle. My good mates are about half and half, locals and transplants. Locals tend to respond best when they think you aren't judging their city, trying to make it something to fit what you need. I must also say that it can take a while to get relationships rolling here, some local once told me that they take a while to decide if someone is "for real" before committing themselves. I've heard Scandinavia described the same way, no wonder there are many people who came here from that part of the world. Sorry Seattle didn't work out for you, hope you have some fond memories.

[Rcsligar]

Originally Posted by homesinseattle

Hey Rc, I've said this before. I'm not saying some of your observations are without merit but did you enjoy the outdoors, hike, ski, kayak, get out in nature on a regular basis? Did you join any groups related to that and really immerse yourself in that culture? I have honestly found after 27 years in Seattle (I am a Miami boy originally), the people who get outside are the ones who are the most optimistic, positive and happy people. They also in my opinion tend to be the people most open to real friendships and authentic, lasting connections. I've formed some great relationships that way, also at places of shared interest, like the health club, coed soccer and volleyball. Perhaps all of those places have something in common: places people move their bodies, interact with others.

Interestingly, I've heard some people say that they can only make friends with people from other places who live in Seattle. My good mates are about half and half, locals and transplants. Locals tend to respond best when they think you aren't judging their city, trying to make it something to fit what you need. I must also say that it can take a while to get relationships rolling here, some local once told me that they take a while to decide if someone is "for real" before committing themselves. I've heard Scandinavia described the same way, no wonder there are many people who came here from that part of the world. Sorry Seattle didn't work out for you, hope you have some fond memories.

I always intended to go on outdoor trips sponsored by the school when I was there but unfortunately I never did. I did have a brief friendship with some expats that I once went skiing and hiking in issaquah with but besides that really nothing. I definitely have regrets about not getting out more; although I did venture to cal Anderson park quite a bit. Didn't manage to make friends there either though.

[Flightoficarus87]

It's just a rather reserved social culture here. Friendships and relationships can be difficult to form, especially for transplants, or introverted types.

As a native, I never really thought anything of the freeze. But as I've had the chance to explore more cities across the US in recent years, I'm now convinced that it's a very real thing, as I've come across more outgoing and friendly folks elsewhere. I tend to be a bit of an introvert myself (except for when I'm around extroverts, where I feel much more comfortable opening up), yet I yearn for new social connections of my own. And that might make staying here a bad thing for me.

So, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think it's you/you should beat yourself up over it too much. After all, you tried . The freeze is actually one (of many, non-related) reasons I might be moving away next year.

[CrazyDonkey]

"Circles" (e.g. cliques) are exclusive, by their nature, including some, excluding others. It is generally easier to create your own circle - personally, I prefer one-to-one, rather than group, relations. Lots of things - accent, speech, opinions, politics, hair, shoes, clothes, phone, tatoos, etc., can mark you as not fitting in with a particular socio-politico ethos. Imagine the situation reversed, with a typical Seattle "hipster" seeking to make friends with you and your buddies in SW Florida.

Seattle is largely an indoor city, hidden behind real and invisible walls and doors - it can be easier to meet and greet on a beach, wearing only a speedo (or on a trail, wearing only REI, Eddie Bauer, and/or North Face hiking gear)...

[Ruth4Truth]

I made friends as a UW student, and it wasn't through parties, it was through mutual interests, and living in a language dorm together. I'm sorry you weren't able to make any friends at your school, OP. Did you join any clubs, and try to meet people that way?

I also vaguely recall from your posts back then that you got involved in something downtown? A film festival, or something? Did that not bear any fruit?

The way to make friends anywhere is to get involved in projects, hobby groups, sports activities, so you can meet a lot of other people who share your interest. In Seattle, if there wasn't a hiking group on campus, for example, that would have meant joining the Mountaineers. They have singles hikes. REI also organizes singles events, and other events of interest--illustrated travel seminars, and so forth. There are several boating groups (rowing, kayaking, canoeing, sailing) organizations in town. There are the U District and Fremont street fairs--annual events you can volunteer for, to help with set-up. There's folk dancing, and the Folklife Festival, which has social events year-round.

We must have posted these suggestions on your threads back then....? Anyway, that's how making friends is done in Seattle. And even then, it takes some patience. It takes time to meet someone you hit it off with.


I should add that after university, in all the time I lived in Seattle, I only made 2 more friends, that I hadn't met at university. Part of that's probably because I have unusual interests, so I rarely meet people who share them. Part of it may be Seattle, because on a few visits to the Bay Area, I came away several times with new friends that I've kept in touch with, and have visited again.

[notnamed]

Yeah, key to making friends in adulthood anywhere is finding some common interest. Checkout meetup.com and find a group you are interested in.

[GiGi603]

Originally Posted by Rcsligar

I am now back in my home state and I sometimes still wonder how I could have made things work out better.



One thing I think is pretty clear is coming from the south our social customs are a bit different than up there. So to each their own I guess.

Just curious, how is your social scene in SW Florida? Are you social and have a circle of friends there?

[OneTimeSEALover]

Originally Posted by notnamed

Yeah, key to making friends in adulthood anywhere is finding some common interest. Checkout meetup.com and find a group you are interested in.

My observation from everywhere. Do what interests you and most people you meet already share something with you. I once used interests to avoid contacts. Later on I realized the contacts I avoided were the most likely to endure.

[Always-Blue]

Just a reminder that you don't see posts like this in another city forums. Yet the Seattle sub is full of them. Be glad you got out when you did. Everyone there is patting themselves on the back for how 'awesome' it is to live in a place that according to another thread has seen the sun only 3 days since the start of winter. It would be comical if not so sad.