Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm very angry and I'm writing this to vent and to find out if anyone has had a similar experience or can help me. I live in northern CA.
This could be a very long post, but I will try to be as brief as possible. And I thank anyone who reads it. My son is 19 yrs old and has just been ordered by the court to remain in a group home when I tried to bring him home.
I have to first explain that my ex, the boy's father, and I had a very acrimonious marriage. The ex is an abusive (verbal & emotional) control freak and our 9 yr marriage was a living hell for me. I finally got out (& took my son with me) when I went back to work full-time and later we were divorced.
My son was a lovely, happy boy, but when he turned 15 he had some behavioral problems that I couldn't seem to help him overcome. He was never violent toward people, but would have tantrums and meltdowns at school and on the bus. One day he broke a window on the bus and the problems reached a crisis level. My ex was pressuring me to place him in a group home and, although I didn't want to do that, I finally relented because I didn't know what else to do. Over time he calmed down and he seemed to like his group home which was a small family-style home. The ex and I each brought our son to our respective homes for one weekend every month.
I believe his problems were adolescent-related (hormonal) because during his 18th & 19th yrs he totally calmed down and the behavioral problems are gone. About a year ago the owner of the family group home had to shut it down suddenly to go live with her father in Los Angeles who was dying. We only had one week to find a new group home. We found a group home that I didn't particularly like because it was bigger and more institutionalized than the first home, but it would allow my son to remain at his school and that was important.
As the school year was nearing the end (Apr 2010) it seemed apparent that my son no longer needed to live in a group home and I wanted to bring him back home. When I informed my ex of this he went ballistic and said that I was the cause of our son's behavioral problems and if he came to live with me he would regress. He stated that he wanted our son to remain in the group home (permanently I guess, though he had NEVER expressed this to me until now) and would take me to court if necessary. Now, my ex and I have a conservatorship for our son so we need to agree on where he is going to live.
We did end up in court and the court investigator and my son's court-appointed attorney recommended that my son remain in the group home.
NOT because I'm to blame for his behavioral problems (which I'm not) but because they claim my son will be more independent and self-reliant in a group home. My son is non-verbal and cannot express his own wishes about where he would like to live. Although he understands a lot I don't think he understands an abstract word like "live," as in "where would you like to live?"
He will never be able to live on his own without a 24/7 adult guardian, so he will never be able to move on from the group home.
The court decided in my ex's favor and now my son is condemned to living in an institutionalized group home that I do not approve of. I am outraged and heartbroken that the court would not allow my son to move home where a loving and able parent wants to care for him.
I am writing this to find out if anyone knows of an attorney or advocacy group in my area (greater Sacramento) who might be able to help me bring my son home.
It sounds like you really love your son very much and miss him and want him with you. I forsee a problem with logistics though; if he requires 24/7 adult guardianship care, are you saying you are independent financially and not reliant on work...OR that you can afford 24/7 care in your home by a hired caretaker?
Also, your child will need to continue socialization, or he could very quickly regress back to that "teenage hormone" phase he was in. Will you and/or your hired caretaker have the facilities necessary to maintain his socialization with people on a regular (daily) basis?
What about another option - a different group home, close enough that you can still visit regularly, and have him every other weekend. Or what about if you were to move, still within a "legally acceptable distance" from your ex so he can continue -his- visitation, but somewhere near a totally different group home where you would be more satisfied with the care?
You've already learned that your son will never progress beyond the group home environment, so that means eventually you will simply be too old to take care of him. Do you truly understand what it means to give up the rest of your own adult life, to care for a child who needs care 24/7? Couples do this - but they also have each other to rely on, within the home.
I totally get that you don't like the home he's in now. I'm just wondering if, at this stage in your life -and- his, you might want to consider other options in addition to fighting to have him returned to you full time.
I am independent financially and do not need to work. I work because I like to, but could quit if necessary. I could also hire part-time help if necessary.
If my son lived with me he would continue to attend school or a day adult program where he could socialize daily. I would also take him to evening or weekend social and recreational activities with his peers.
Also, I am remarried and my husband wants my son to live with us too.
Here's the second half of my story: before we went to court my ex said that he was willing to allow our son to move to a smaller group home that is in my town, instead of being a half hour away like he is now. My ex sent this message in an email so I have proof that he said this. Then in court he did a 180 and said he didn't want our son to move to another group home. The court agreed with this as well! There was no reason for my ex to change his mind except for pure vindictiveness. I'm telling you, he's a heartless sob!
I WANT to care for my son. I love him dearly and do not consider taking care of him to be any kind of sacrifice. I have a 29 yr old daughter who, on her own without any input from me, told me that if I am no longer able to care for her brother she wants to take him into her home. She also loves her brother very much and does not consider it a sacrifice to care for him.
My son need never live in a group home again, but the court did not care about this.
Ah see..now that clarifies things. I was worried that you might be acting out of the desire to be with your son (which is TOTALLY understandable) and putting logic totally to the side.
Definitely find a better lawyer then. Unfortunately I don't know anyone in Washington, I'm on the other side of the country. You could probably find an advocacy group online though, Sacramento is a pretty progressive town when it comes to disability rights and what not.
I did already call a major advocacy group in Sacramento called Disability Rights CA and it was a big disappointment.
They kept saying "your son needs to call us and ask for assistance."
I said "My son CAN'T call you because he's non-verbal, that's why I'm calling."
They just kept repeating like a broken record "your son needs to call blah, blah, blah."
So I said "So you're telling me that you won't help unless my son can call you himself?"
Yep, that's what they were saying. That makes no sense to me. There are disabled people who cannot personally ask for assistance, but they need help too. It's a real Catch-22.
I'm feeling discouraged, but I will never quit working to get my son out of a group home where he doesn't need to be. I believe the court's decision is anti-family and wrong.
the pattern of your son's behavior at the ages you outlined, is very common. its not about you. you are not going to like this-- but the father is correct as is the court. group home will in fact benefit greatly your son. having said that not all group homes are equal, shop around.
Huckleberry, you're missing a couple of points. First of all, my son's behavior has completely changed and I waited a whole year to make sure it had changed.
I was in close contact with his teacher during the 09/10 school year and for the entire year he exhibited none of the problematic behaviors of the past. Only then did I determine that he had most likely outgrown the bad behavior since he is almost 20 yrs old. He is very mellow and willing to do what he is asked, both at school and at home.
If I can't bring him home then I WANT to find a more suitable group home but the court is not allowing me to. There is no good reason for the court to have made that kind of decision.
There is no reason for my son to be in an institutional group home. I'm not interested in debating that with anyone. I know my son. The law states that the disabled should live in the least restrictive environment possible. I am looking for help in fighting for my son's rights.
I did already call a major advocacy group in Sacramento called Disability Rights CA and it was a big disappointment.
.
If you think this group is the right one to go through then if I were you I would go in person and ask to speak with someone. I believe people treat each other differently in person than over the phone. When you're there BE VERY NICE TO THEM (you need something from them). You may very well get the same answer but at least you'll have done all you can.
Would he be able to use an assistive technology device to talk for him? Down's is different from autism, so I don't know if there is anything out there for him, but has anyone tried PECs with him? Does he communicate at all?
Group homes can be good or bad depending on the people who are counsellors there. Can you talk to them and see if you can make an objective assessment about this living situation for him?
Dorothy
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
