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I usually spend about $50 for a gift whether that's money or a gift card or an actual item. I never thought about the other half giving anything, it was always one gift from the couple. So, my BF and I would give $50 total. If it's someone I don't know well, then I may not go, but if I do then the price will go down a bit, maybe $30-40.
Now baby showers are another thing for me- I have much more fun buying things and spend a lot more!
I haven't been to that many weddings, but will be attending two in the coming months, and as a result of having been to only one wedding as an adult, I'm realizing just how little I know about wedding etiquette. I have a few questions:
1) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will not be able to attend, must you provide a reason, and are you still expected to send a gift?
2) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will be able to attend but something pops up in between the time of the acceptance and the actual wedding, is a gift in order and what is the proper way to notify the bride or groom?
3) What is the standard amount spent on a gift, and if bringing a guest, are you expected to bring two gifts, buying them for the guest, or is the guest expected to buy their own?
Some of these may seem like very basic questions, but I am pretty clueless about weddings as a whole, so any advice is appreciated.
1. No, you don't have to provide a reason, unless it is someone really close to you, who would expect you to definitely be there. In that case, I would give a gift.
2. Let me just say I had about 25 people that RSVPd to my wedding, who did not show up. No call, no show. I paid for 25 people that just didn't show up. That was a hefty amount. I would actually say about 6 weeks is needed to notify for catering. A phone call is definitely appropriate to notify. If you don't give about that much time, I would say to definitely get a gift, because in all likelihood they paid for your head, and it is not refundable.
3. I never give gifts at the wedding, just cash. The amount depends upon the person, and how much I can figure out they paid for me per head. I try to make them come out at least even, if not ahead...if not very ahead if they're a close friend...because weddings only come once.
If it's a relative or real friend, then I would send a gift if I RSVPed "no". And I would send a more expensive gift if the wedding would have required an overnight cost. $50 would be the minimum I would spend, probably more like $75ish. I figure that I would drop fifty bucks if I went out to eat with them to a decent place, had wine, etc.
Because it is so far away and you are unsure, I would RSVP no. Then if you find you can at the last minute, call and tell them that you have discovered that you can come and that you don't expect to be invited to the reception. Odds are they will have a no show and you will be able to attend anyway.
i use to give real nice gifts at weddings, early on,,,,,,but it seemed within 5 yrs,,many of these folks got a divorce,,,so im thinking i want my damn gift back!! i know it sounds cynical,,,but c'mon i think there should be a rule,,if you get divorced within 5 years,,,you should give back the face value of the gifts that were given to you,,,,
in my search for the perfect wedding gift,,,,,,ive resigned myself, to want to write a book of my own "todays vows, and tomorrows virtues"
meaning the wedding day and honeymoon is the fairytale start,,then real life begins, and its how we deal with the struggles/conflicts/ fights, that is the measure of the marriage fabric,,and how we accept the other (spouse) and thier quirks,,AND how to identify a control freak, a cheating bastard, and why its not the brides fault,,when the guy screws around,,,and to recognize when someone is verbally abused, etc.
a real life book,,in real life terms,,,and yes it would also be positive and constructive,,how to keep the sex,,,from routine, ...roles of mommies and daddies when raising confident healthy kids,
warning signs,,when the woman HAS to stand her ground early on,,and not appease,,,,and when the man has to be mature,,no longer 18 yrs old,,,,both have responsibilities for a happy house and family,,
maybe call it the "marriage bible" im sure there's one out there,,but couldnt find it yrs ago..
this would make a great gift,,....
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapture
This is what I do:
1. I don't give a reason unless I happen to speak with them on the phone before the wedding. I would still send a gift but smaller then if I had attended.
2. If I RSVP that I'm going, I do everything I can to go. If it's an emergency that comes up, I would give the same gift as if I went.
3. The weddings I've been to, it's always been a monetary gift. The amount depends on who is getting married and where they are getting married. If it's someone I'm close to in an expensive place, I would give $200. If it's in a cheap place I would give $125/$150. If I invite someone to go with me, I pay (they don't) and I give double whatever I would give for just myself. If the people getting married are not close to me I might take off $25/$50.
OK I read the last page. Rapture, I'm getting married, and I'm really close to you and it's going to be a nice expensive place. You may bring 5 people.
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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I'm not too sure about all this etiquette. I don't know many people who actually get married or go through all the hoopla anymore BUT, isn't there a wedding registry? You can just see what's on the wish list, what's still open and pick one of those gifts, if you want to send a actual gift. Any couple setting up shop, just starting out, will probably appreciate to have all their kitchen/bathroom needs taken care of. I think the rest is maybe not as important (except bedding).
Otherwise, money is always welcome and they can use it towards wedding, honeymoon expenses or whatever.
When I got married the first time, I had a wedding ceremony and then just a very small reception for the immediate family and wedding party because I was going on my honeymoon and moving out of the country immediately after. My mother made it her business to inform everybody that ONLY CASH gifts because I needed it to start from scratch in another country. Hey, that worked for me.
The 2nd marriage was a JP in the courthouse, and going away. No fanfare whatsoever. I actually preferred that. The first one was to keep my mother quiet.
1) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will not be able to attend, must you provide a reason, and are you still expected to send a gift?
If you are very close to either the bride or groom and you know they are counting on you, then you should call them with a good reason why you can not attend. If you are RSVPing just state that you have a prior engagement and will not be in town or able to attend this very special day in their lives.
2) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will be able to attend but something pops up in between the time of the acceptance and the actual wedding, is a gift in order and what is the proper way to notify the bride or groom?
If you accepted and can not attend, a gift would be appropriate - perhaps something not quite as lavish.
3) What is the standard amount spent on a gift, and if bringing a guest, are you expected to bring two gifts, buying them for the guest, or is the guest expected to buy their own?
Remember if you receive an invitation just for you it does not include a guest and it would be totally inappropriate for your to bring a quest. If the invitation states that you may bring a guest, different story.
The guest might something simple but useful whereas your gift needs to be on the higher end. I have seen some of the most beautiful gifts that cost $50 as a sale item and others costs hundreds+. Since most brides are registered somewhere, you might want to find this out when shopping for a gift. Also cost depends on your relationship to the bride and/or groom. Certainly keep it in good taste.
Another question is how do you guess roughly how much a plate costs?
The last wedding we went to informed us on the invitation that we would be eating "home cookin'" by one of the bride's friends in the backyard at their house. I think we spent about $30 on the gift for two of us, and this was defintately giving them more than they forked out! Weddings in AZ tend to be much less formal than the weddings we've attended for family in NY. I wouldn't buy a gift less than $100 for our family weddings back east, even if I bought the plane ticket. One of my extended cousins had a wedding that went all night and all morning. They actually served breakfast the next day. Other weddings asked that we select our dinner choice beforehand. For these weddings, I assume they're paying at least $30 a plate.
I usually can tell the most by the invitation and the location of the reception.
As a teenager, I was invited to my first wedding w/out my parents. It was an extremely nice wedding for my boss with a plated dinner and the whole nine yards. I got them a cheap gift off their registry, and the wife was rude to me from the next time I saw her and on. I learned from that mistake and have always tried to be a generous person. At our wedding, my husband's entire extended family gave us a cheap bowl with 100 one dollar bills crumbled up inside. We paid at least hundreds of dollars for them to come to our wedding. Needless to say, I haven't invited them to a single other event since. It's really not the money issue to me. Since several of them are well off, it felt like they were saying that we weren't important to them. I had some struggling college student friends that didn't bring a gift at all, and I wasn't bothered at all!
Well, I'm not a fancy person (I think the wedding, including rings and honeymoon, was around 5K in 2001...and it was beautiful), but here's my two cents...
I do think it depends on who the person was. I have no idea how much people spent on my gifts, nor did I make a checklist if they gave me one or not (I about spit my coffee out when someone actually figured out what the actual cost of their gifts was....not my style, I guess). I expected absolutely nothing if they were from out of town, b/c they spent a ton to get there. I actually felt bad I couldn't assist with their expenses (we just graduated a couple years before). Now, the I do say that I strongly remember that my mother did not even get me a card. Yep, a little bitter.
Everyone has their own economic situations. Anyone with a little class is not going to get ticked off at you for a thirty dollar gift to a 75 dollar a plate reception. I would say give what you are compelled to and what you can afford. I am motivated to spend a lot more on a close friend, even if it means to cut back somewhere else for a while.
If this is an obligatory event (coworker, etc.) I'd do the equivalent to the reception gift thing, unless that is beyond your means.
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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You know, why would people go out and spend a fortune on a wedding reception (even if mommy and daddy are paying) and invite close and not so close friends, relatives, acquaintances, to get ticked about the kind of gift you get or don't get? Why bother? Isn't the reception a celebration and a way to share your moment with those you want to, or those you think would want to share with you? If the reception is done to show off and you're spending what you cannot spend, forget the party. Take the money you would have spent and use it for things you actually NEED.
You can celebrate your marriage any which way without being disappointed at what was given, who came, who didn't, how much. That's just plain materialistic and NOT what I think it should be all about.
I know. I am extremely practical!
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