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I haven't been to that many weddings, but will be attending two in the coming months, and as a result of having been to only one wedding as an adult, I'm realizing just how little I know about wedding etiquette. I have a few questions:
1) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will not be able to attend, must you provide a reason, and are you still expected to send a gift?
2) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will be able to attend but something pops up in between the time of the acceptance and the actual wedding, is a gift in order and what is the proper way to notify the bride or groom?
3) What is the standard amount spent on a gift, and if bringing a guest, are you expected to bring two gifts, buying them for the guest, or is the guest expected to buy their own?
Some of these may seem like very basic questions, but I am pretty clueless about weddings as a whole, so any advice is appreciated.
I haven't been to that many weddings, but will be attending two in the coming months, and as a result of having been to only one wedding as an adult, I'm realizing just how little I know about wedding etiquette. I have a few questions:
1) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will not be able to attend, must you provide a reason, and are you still expected to send a gift?
2) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will be able to attend but something pops up in between the time of the acceptance and the actual wedding, is a gift in order and what is the proper way to notify the bride or groom?
3) What is the standard amount spent on a gift, and if bringing a guest, are you expected to bring two gifts, buying them for the guest, or is the guest expected to buy their own?
Some of these may seem like very basic questions, but I am pretty clueless about weddings as a whole, so any advice is appreciated.
Here's my understanding:
1) No, you don't have to give a reason. Most invitations that I've seen simply have a blank for how many will attend. A "0" is fine. Also, you are not obligated to give a gift, although you can if you want. People should invite you to their wedding because they want you there, not because they are trolling for gifts.
2) I would say that a gift would be in order. Just my opinion- that's what I would do. I'd simply call whichever person you were closer to and explain why you couldn't make it.
3) Give what you can afford. Also, I've always understood it to be a "one invitation, one gift" kind of thing- guests shouldn't feel obligated to give their own gift. I mean, how many guests even know the couple?
1) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will not be able to attend, must you provide a reason, and are you still expected to send a gift?
2) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will be able to attend but something pops up in between the time of the acceptance and the actual wedding, is a gift in order and what is the proper way to notify the bride or groom?
3) What is the standard amount spent on a gift, and if bringing a guest, are you expected to bring two gifts, buying them for the guest, or is the guest expected to buy their own?
1. Etiquette says yes, send a gift; however, most guests do not send a gift when they can't make it. I did receive some gifts from family and friends who didn't attend my shower, but for the most part, no gifts from non-attendees!
2. If your RSVP changes sooner than a month, they've likely paid for your dinner, cake, drinks, and favor already. My caterer needed a final count three weeks before the wedding. I paid for the twenty-four people who didn't show. It cost me around $30 a person (and we got a deal on the catering). My mother-in-law spent over $50 a plate for dinner alone. As you can see, if you don't show for a lame reason, this could be a very hurtful and expensive action towards the bride and groom.
Now off my soap box, yes you should send a gift.
3. I believe the etiquette is that you buy a gift that covers the cost of your dinner. On average, we received a gift about $20 per person. If you bring a guest, you need only bring one gift, but the gift should be larger than if you were attending yourself.
2. If your RSVP changes sooner than a month, they've likely paid for your dinner, cake, drinks, and favor already. My caterer needed a final count three weeks before the wedding. I paid for the twenty-four people who didn't show. It cost me around $30 a person (and we got a deal on the catering). My mother-in-law spent over $50 a plate for dinner alone. As you can see, if you don't show for a lame reason, this could be a very hurtful and expensive action towards the bride and groom.
!
Well said. If you RSVP, you better show up and AT LEAST give a months warning as the preparation is astronomical and expensive and it's simply rude to make the bride and groom pay for you based on your word...then you not show up.
I feel bad now being a bit older and understanding the economics issue a bit more, because several years back, I attended a wedding of a second cousin and not only did I non-chalantly respond back that I would be bringing a guest thinking it was a slight possibility that I'd bring a date when in fact I wound up showing up solo, but I didn't buy a gift for the couple. Now, I would not have attended this wedding on my own accord. I was not close to this relative and had only met her a handful of times and feel the invitation was a sort of "let's just invite all of the relatives so no one is offended" sort of deal, and my brothers and I only attended due to my mother asking us to as a favor. As such, she told us not to worry about gifts which I'm not sure if it meant she took care of them or that we just wouldn't buy any, but either way, I didn't second-guess it at the time. Now looking back on it, I realize how stupid that was. Now that I've seen my brother's wedding and have had the inside track on my best friend's planning of her wedding, I'm able to see things from a different side.
For the record, I was told by three separate people that both you and your guest should either purchase a gift, or more appropriately, the invitee should purchase a gift FOR the guest, or give an amount assumed to be the value of the meal to the couple. I was also told that this would generally hover around $75-100. That seemed insane to me, for an invitee to have to spend at least $200 (not including potential fees like gas, airfare and hotels) for each wedding they go to. I should point out that this upcoming wedding is in the New York area, and these opinions are from people from that area, and I'm under the general impression that weddings in the Tri-State area are far more expensive and elaborate than they are elsewhere, so I'm not sure if that influences what is considered to be proper wedding etiquette.
Another question is how do you guess roughly how much a plate costs?
Edit: Oh, and the questions about the potential no-show is the fact that I have a cousin's wedding to go to at the end of June. The cousin lives in Pennsylvania and an RSVP is required within the next week. I am unsure if I will be able to attend because I will be moving to a yet to be determined location that could quite possibly be a long expensive flight away before then, meaning that I'm not certain if I'll be able to afford the trip. At the moment however, I think I'll say that I am coming, and then just send a gift if I choose not to.
caterers,,or the place you have the reception at,,,will give you plate costs,,,depending whats on the menu,,
you can usually save big bucks by having a pig roast. lol
I haven't been to that many weddings, but will be attending two in the coming months, and as a result of having been to only one wedding as an adult, I'm realizing just how little I know about wedding etiquette. I have a few questions:
1) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will not be able to attend, must you provide a reason, and are you still expected to send a gift?
2) If you are invited to a wedding and RSVP that you will be able to attend but something pops up in between the time of the acceptance and the actual wedding, is a gift in order and what is the proper way to notify the bride or groom?
3) What is the standard amount spent on a gift, and if bringing a guest, are you expected to bring two gifts, buying them for the guest, or is the guest expected to buy their own?
Some of these may seem like very basic questions, but I am pretty clueless about weddings as a whole, so any advice is appreciated.
This is what I do:
1. I don't give a reason unless I happen to speak with them on the phone before the wedding. I would still send a gift but smaller then if I had attended.
2. If I RSVP that I'm going, I do everything I can to go. If it's an emergency that comes up, I would give the same gift as if I went.
3. The weddings I've been to, it's always been a monetary gift. The amount depends on who is getting married and where they are getting married. If it's someone I'm close to in an expensive place, I would give $200. If it's in a cheap place I would give $125/$150. If I invite someone to go with me, I pay (they don't) and I give double whatever I would give for just myself. If the people getting married are not close to me I might take off $25/$50.
1. It's nice to give a reason (especially if it's a close relative or friend), but not necessary. If I were close to the person, I would send a gift. If not, then no.
2. If you RSVP yes and then realize you can't go, you need to notify the bride/groom immediately. It's up to you if you want to send a gift or not. If it's within a week or so of the wedding and you realized you can't go, they will probably be stuck paying for your plate, if the reception is at a restaurant or catering hall, and IMO you should definitely send some cash to try to compensate.
3. Some people do believe the amount of $$ you spend on a gift should equal what the bride/groom spent per person on food. That's fine if it's what your comfortable with, but that's not any rule of etiquette. Any etiquette book or expert (ex. Miss Manners) will confirm this (although the money making wedding industry would disagree - these are the same folks that say an engagement ring should equal 3 months' salary). Spend what you are comfortable spending, based on your budget and how close you are to the couple. If you have been invited to attend with a guest, you can put your guest's name on your gift, or just leave the guest out of it.
I don't like weddings dullnboring. To me people make a huge fuss over one day and will spend $20-30,000, or more on all the things that make it fairytale.
For me, I told me last girlfriend whom I proposed to (she said no). "If we get married, we're going through the drive-thru chapel in Vegas. She agreed. Spend the money on stocks, new household equipment, and a cool honeymoon then save the rest
Yep, in retrospect the money could've gone for something more important. I would definitely invest in nice photos though...other than that. Gifts were nice, and super helpful since we were building our home. But I have to agree with MoMark for sure
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