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First problem I see with what you wrote: "If YOU find a job for her".... No parent should be "finding" a job for a 19 year. They can find one themselves. Get off the couch and look.
And you are wrong about employers, especially now. Something is better than nothing.
I just worded it that way because the OP is part of the topic, whereas the child is not part of the forum.
Either way, the rest of my post still stands.
And no, I would liken your example to a penny being better than no money at all.
Sure, that's true, but a penny can't buy you anything.
We give her room and board and the basic essentials to get by, she lost her cellphone last winter,we said if you want another one earn it but as she wasnt one to use it much she really isnt too interested in getting another or at least getting a job to earn it.
She also isnt that big into fashion so she actually loves shopping for clothes at Goodwill type places.
As for spending money? she has an education fund she can tap into if she needs spending money but she dont spend much and is quite frugal.
Last night we threatened to take her computer away during the day if she doesnt make an effort to get a job,, she didnt seem to care..
As she is now 19yrs old i'm thinking the bulk of our parenting is over and the door to the proverbial cage is open and even though i feel it would be in her best interest to get summer employment its now about that time to make your own destiny in life, my wife thinks she should be out there every day looking for a summer job.
Sorry, you'll hate this: She seems both lazy and apathetic. Her frugality allows her to be lazy, and that smacks of apathy. What do you do? I haven't a clue, seems like she is rather old to be motivated by parents.
I have friends with a son in the same boat. Is there the remotest possibility that she could be motivated by her sister?
This. Do yourself a favor OP, and check out the work forum on C-D. Better yet, have your daughter do so. There are plenty of 20 somethings who have never held a job, and wonder why they can't get hired anywhere.
The OP wrote: "What concerns me is her adamant refusal to even attempt to get summer employment,she has feeble excuses for every job prospect we ask her to check out.."
Assuming the description is accurate, the girl has neither looked for work on her own nor taken any suggestions as to where her parents think she might look.
You cannot cite lack of opportunity, if someone is sitting on their duff avoiding it!
I was brought up with the idea that during summers between school years i was expected to get a summer job or at least make an effort to look for one. For the last few summers we've been putting pressure on our younger daughter to go and do something during the 3 months summer holiday than sit on her butt and live her life through a laptop.
Well now she's 19 and just finished pre college (CGEP)and is about to embark on a 3-4 year college degree, she's smart,beautiful and has no bad habits and runs with a good crowd i'm now torn between pushing harder for her to get a summer job or just backing off and leaving her to run her own life.
What concerns me is her adamant refusal to even attempt to get summer employment,she has feeble excuses for every job prospect we ask her to check out..
As a parent i'm not sure which way to go with this one..
Thanks for any input.
PS. the older daughter now 23 has had no problem seeking out and doing summer employment since she was 16 with absolutely no pushing from us.
ooops, just noticed the parenting forum, If a mod thinks this topic would be more suited there you could move it there if you like
Thanks
i have a 20 yr old son... and made it clear in his teens, that if he keeps his nose clean, grades up and has manners/respect-a good attitude...i will treat him as an adult,, if he acts like one..
by making the right choices, i will be his best supporter.... but if you make all the wrong choices, i'll be your biggest critic
anyways....my son is in college.. he has excellent grades, stayed away from drugs,,,, so, i backed off,,he is making the right choices.. ( my brother and i worked, worked, and worked, as kids/teenagers and missed out on alot being a kid and all)
my son does a summer job,,he is particular, likes nice things,,,,some things i refuse to pay for
i guess,,,,if she's doing 95% of the things on the upside,,,,then back off,,,dont grind on her...she's already making good decisions..
you may be surprised..once you back off,,,she may try harder
i have a 20 yr old son... and made it clear in his teens, that if he keeps his nose clean, grades up and has manners/respect-a good attitude...i will treat him as an adult,, if he acts like one..
by making the right choices, i will be his best supporter.... but if you make all the wrong choices, i'll be your biggest critic
anyways....my son is in college.. he has excellent grades, stayed away from drugs,,,, so, i backed off,,he is making the right choices.. ( my brother and i worked, worked, and worked, as kids/teenagers and missed out on alot being a kid and all)
my son does a summer job,,he is particular, likes nice things,,,,some things i refuse to pay for
i guess,,,,if she's doing 95% of the things on the upside,,,,then back off,,,dont grind on her...she's already making good decisions..
you may be surprised..once you back off,,,she may try harder
This is good advice, however, I worked since I was 13 years old, on weekends, in a bakery, and as a Waitress when I was 15 in a diner until I graduated. The point is, this was all weekend work, and I made good money. It sometimes killed me not being able to hang, with my friends on weekends...however, looking back now, I'm glad it kept me busy.
My point is, I do observe so so many parents, paying everything for their kids, and kids certainly have so much more today, then we did back then.
In addition to working, I also had to help do the cleaning, washing, shopping, b/c my mother worked two jobs to keep us fed and bills paid.
Kids today, get a free ticket to do nothing, b/c parents deem them kids...so in observing this, kids are more or less imature, and do not have a feel for responsiblity....
working didn't kill you, what it did, was taught you how to become a responsible individual. It's not about the money, at all, what it's about is, you learned and got a feel for what it was like working, and I decided at a very young age, that college would be a definate and positive alternative to waitressing the rest of my life...it helped me to set goals, adhere to a schedule, and realize, that life isn't always fair, but it does go on....teaching me to be a little wiser, regarding, what it's like out there in the real world. I worked with some very influencial people....who also served as an example for me....good people, some bad, but it taught me, how to deal with the real world, and that there were other rules & alternatives outside of my cacoon.
Kids today, not all but most, have no sense of all that working and helping out around the house teaches one. Parents are way to easy on they're kids today, treat them like children and give they way to much, instead of teaching them, if you want something, you need to work for it, I'm not going to buy everything for you. It certainly doesn't kill them to do so, but more so, helps to mold maturity and a good sense of responsiblity.
Even though I worked, and in those days a whole lot of kids did...I had kids working with me as bus boys, b/c they're parents wanted them to get a feel for the real world....we had so much fun....plus, it certainly didn't kill me....did I miss hanging with the other kids, yes...but, I gained so much more then I could have from sitting on my butt, hanging with the other kids who didn't work, and still accomplished my school activities, sports, etc.
I'm shaking my head, b/c parents today, do not have a clue, how to be tough, and teach their kids not only what I've written about above, but also, being tough and not giving everything to them. It astounds me how many parents today, allow they're kids to sit at home, and not teach them to prepare for college, how to budget money and save specifically for something they want, and most importantly, how to do without, to gain something else...
Being a parent comes doesn't come with a manual, and sometimes, being a parent, is not always fair, b/c we are always inclined to try and make life easier on them, then we had it, however, it doesn't do them any good to do that...
I'm glad I was tough on my son...he worked hard to put himself through college and refused to take any money from us....and he started working and saving for college at a very young age...he even had a college savings account in the bank...but, we taught him to save money at a very young age, and it became ingrained in him. He also had to do jobs/chores around the house, every single day, b/c I didn't want him sitting on his butt all day, in the summer watching TV....I specifically made a list for him, of house chores that had to be done, every day, in the morning before I left for work.
He ran the vaccum, fed the dogs, walked the dogs, weeded the garden, did laundry, and I took him with me shopping, and taught him how to do so. He learned to become independent, and self sufficent, and went into the AirForce....upon coming out, he needed more credits and for three years, worked hard and went to night school, as he was able to gain credits in the Air Force.
He insisted that we didn't help him financially....he wanted to do it all on his own, so, the money we had saved for him, went to him at a later date...
I just feel that kids today get way to much of a free ticket, and know nothing about what I've described above...how to sacrifice and become self sufficent, not to mention, put in a good days work without feeling they are entitled to something, without working for it. Which is what this world is teaching not only our kids, but also our employers, governement, etc. Everyone wants a free ride.
I don't believe anything bad can come from tough love, and requesting a child to become more responsible/aware/mature, and realizing, nothing comes for free?
(Just stating my personal Opinion, doesn't mean I'm right, it's how I was raised to believe)
Last edited by cremebrulee; 06-05-2013 at 04:59 AM..
First problem I see with what you wrote: "If YOU find a job for her".... No parent should be "finding" a job for a 19 year. They can find one themselves. Get off the couch and look.
And you are wrong about employers, especially now. Something is better than nothing.
Have you tried looking for a menial job lately? Hint: There's more to it then just filling out applications.
If the daughter was still in highschool then id go either way on the job. When applying for the internships and or part time work during the college years, I did not see a noticeable advantage for the kid who worked at Burger King during the highschool years vs the kid who did not work at Burger King.
Now if she is in college, it is a whole different story. Internship and or job is a must starting from freshmen year. Paid internships are ideal and as one can wager are quite competitive and are quite difficult to get. Unpaid internships are usually guaranteed, that is the independent publishing houses, the small businesses, minor league sports teams, small musuems etc.... see if she is willing to go unpaid then I say go for the unpaid internship. Even though its unpaid it is still something to put on the resume, it is still a contact to add.
Assuming money is an issue, I would check for on campus work, like working for the bio department over the summer, working as a library assistant etc... If that fails then she has to hit up the retail, the fast food, call center work. Yes working at CVS for the summer is not ideal but I'd rather have CVS on my resume than a whole lot of nothing. At the very least it shows the employer, the recruiter at the career fair that you are/were working, you do have work experience, the CVS, the Target may not look as good as "IT intern for Verizon" but it looks better than "I played the computer the whole summer".
Have you tried looking for a menial job lately? Hint: There's more to it then just filling out applications.
I have a 19 year old that has had a job of some sort since he was 14. My friends kids who are are the same age have all found summer jobs now that they are home from school.
Sorry, there is so much whining these days. Maybe we just live in a good area but the young people I see who are making the efforts and have been not waiting until they are older to start working, are not having issues finding jobs.
I know there is a lot more to it than filling out applications. My son who will be a sophomore in college next year got a job this summer at an engineering firm because he thought outside the box. There was no job even posted.
This is good advice, however, I worked since I was 13 years old, on weekends, in a bakery, and as a Waitress when I was 15 in a diner until I graduated. The point is, this was all weekend work, and I made good money. It sometimes killed me not being able to hang, with my friends on weekends...however, looking back now, I'm glad it kept me busy.
My point is, I do observe so so many parents, paying everything for their kids, and kids certainly have so much more today, then we did back then.
In addition to working, I also had to help do the cleaning, washing, shopping, b/c my mother worked two jobs to keep us fed and bills paid.
Kids today, get a free ticket to do nothing, b/c parents deem them kids...so in observing this, kids are more or less imature, and do not have a feel for responsiblity....
working didn't kill you, what it did, was taught you how to become a responsible individual. It's not about the money, at all, what it's about is, you learned and got a feel for what it was like working, and I decided at a very young age, that college would be a definate and positive alternative to waitressing the rest of my life...it helped me to set goals, adhere to a schedule, and realize, that life isn't always fair, but it does go on....teaching me to be a little wiser, regarding, what it's like out there in the real world. I worked with some very influencial people....who also served as an example for me....good people, some bad, but it taught me, how to deal with the real world, and that there were other rules & alternatives outside of my cacoon.
Kids today, not all but most, have no sense of all that working and helping out around the house teaches one. Parents are way to easy on they're kids today, treat them like children and give they way to much, instead of teaching them, if you want something, you need to work for it, I'm not going to buy everything for you. It certainly doesn't kill them to do so, but more so, helps to mold maturity and a good sense of responsiblity.
Even though I worked, and in those days a whole lot of kids did...I had kids working with me as bus boys, b/c they're parents wanted them to get a feel for the real world....we had so much fun....plus, it certainly didn't kill me....did I miss hanging with the other kids, yes...but, I gained so much more then I could have from sitting on my butt, hanging with the other kids who didn't work, and still accomplished my school activities, sports, etc.
I'm shaking my head, b/c parents today, do not have a clue, how to be tough, and teach their kids not only what I've written about above, but also, being tough and not giving everything to them. It astounds me how many parents today, allow they're kids to sit at home, and not teach them to prepare for college, how to budget money and save specifically for something they want, and most importantly, how to do without, to gain something else...
Being a parent comes doesn't come with a manual, and sometimes, being a parent, is not always fair, b/c we are always inclined to try and make life easier on them, then we had it, however, it doesn't do them any good to do that...
I'm glad I was tough on my son...he worked hard to put himself through college and refused to take any money from us....and he started working and saving for college at a very young age...he even had a college savings account in the bank...but, we taught him to save money at a very young age, and it became ingrained in him. He also had to do jobs/chores around the house, every single day, b/c I didn't want him sitting on his butt all day, in the summer watching TV....I specifically made a list for him, of house chores that had to be done, every day, in the morning before I left for work.
He ran the vaccum, fed the dogs, walked the dogs, weeded the garden, did laundry, and I took him with me shopping, and taught him how to do so. He learned to become independent, and self sufficent, and went into the AirForce....upon coming out, he needed more credits and for three years, worked hard and went to night school, as he was able to gain credits in the Air Force.
He insisted that we didn't help him financially....he wanted to do it all on his own, so, the money we had saved for him, went to him at a later date...
I just feel that kids today get way to much of a free ticket, and know nothing about what I've described above...how to sacrifice and become self sufficent, not to mention, put in a good days work without feeling they are entitled to something, without working for it. Which is what this world is teaching not only our kids, but also our employers, governement, etc. Everyone wants a free ride.
I don't believe anything bad can come from tough love, and requesting a child to become more responsible/aware/mature, and realizing, nothing comes for free?
(Just stating my personal Opinion, doesn't mean I'm right, it's how I was raised to believe)
If it was the 50's right now and you said this I might have agreed with you. No offense, but your opinion is distorted, generalizing, and mostly outdated, and actually contributes to the problem (you aren't the only one with this distorted view) because the assumption is often why opportunities don't exist, because why bother with an entire generation of entitled kids right? right? See how ridiculous that sounds? You grew up in the boom times. Now is not the boom times. The days of walking into jobs and the "ease" is all but gone. Things have changed (like night and day) and if you are unaware of this, I don't know what to say.
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