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You obviously want deeper relationships with the people you CHOOSE to be with -not workmates. Totally understandable. But a lot of people don't want deep, can't handle deep. All they want is surface-y stuff like a 10 word description of your boring weekend with the relatives. And is it any skin off your nose? Just make something up - embellish what you did and make it a funny story you can all laugh about! I live a boring life so yeah, I may add a couple fun details - I'm doing my part of making the office a little more bearable. Most people do the same.
But you see, this does not work the snake in the grass, nosy types, trust me. They will just continue to pry and pry each day and if need be, even make up stories to spread about you if you seem that boring. I had it done to me. One catty female in particular CLEARLY had an issue with the fact I did not share details of my love life, if I was dating, etc with her. Any chance she had she would bring up the fact that "Oh gee, you never talk about anyone special one in your life, why is that?" and no matter which way you spun it, she would continually ask.
But you see, this does not work the snake in the grass, nosy types, trust me. They will just continue to pry and pry each day and if need be, even make up stories to spread about you if you seem that boring. I had it done to me. One catty female in particular CLEARLY had an issue with the fact I did not share details of my love life, if I was dating, etc with her. Any chance she had she would bring up the fact that "Oh gee, you never talk about anyone special one in your life, why is that?" and no matter which way you spun it, she would continually ask.
My partner was killed on our honeymoon by a drunk driver seems to make people uncomfortable to ever bring it up again
I have co-workers but rarely work with them. When I do it's come-and-go. Rarely are there more than two guys on a job.
I'm more likely to interact with people from other companies than people from my own and I think that's fantastic. There's still a lot of networking going on, but in an industry that's 99% male there isn't much gossip or catty backstabbing.
Work. Get the job done. Go home. Everyone has independent lives, families and their own social networks. There are of course side jobs and very very occasional get togethers with one or two others, but that occurs maybe once or twice a year.
I'm civil considerate and nice. I just don't want to get personal about my life
Ahh, grasshopper you are far more enlightened than your years and bravo to you!
Personally, I think you will garner far more respect...and 'friends' IF you wanted them. Everyone at work knows exactly who the gossips are and they either become part of the 'round robin' of such activities or not.
In my experience it is always best to err on the conservative side.
"Why do you ask?" is a Miss Manners standard, and it works a dream (mostly because it keeps you from being rude when you'd like nothing more. )
It seems like a rude answer to a simple question like "What did you do this weekend?" Or "How old are your kids?" Which is the normal type of work 'social' question. It would certainly shut me up in shock, but it's silly if you ask me to respond in such a manner. It's obvious why people ask those questions, they are trying to be friendly, especially as OP is a newcomer there.
I don't discuss my personal life either because I have seen how two faced some of them are. There was a chick that used to work here, she was very chipper and upbeat and they hated it. I would walk in every morning and they would be talking about this chick like crazy. They discuss other people's personal business when they aren't there. I will never give them anything to gossip about. If they are gossiping about me, it's some fake stuff or some rumor they heard out in the street.
I'm fairly new at my job - 7 weeks. I think some of my female colleagues find me "unfriendly" because I choose not to get personal with them. I don't talk about myself or feel the need to share anything. I'm always nice, professional and willing to help however I can. I'm 35 and have been working long enough to learn from my past mistakes about getting too chummy at work. I don't care if I'm not part of a clique.
What is your opinion on this?
I learned from experience that in some projects it's good to avoid a clique.
I had one job in Colorado where the VP was very aware that there were
cliques and negative gossip with conflicts in the large test team. He
said we don't have to best friends with each other - just get the job done.
He made it very clear he knew there were cliques but wanted each to simply
focus on the tasks and deadlines. I liked that VPs attitude. I adopted that
work ethic and avoided cliques on subsequent projects.
But in Florida it caught up with me. I was on one project where I learned the
hard way that upper management (VPs and mid-level) knew there were cliques
and considered you a "loner" in a very bad way if you were not part of one.
It was a very, very bad performance evaluation with "loner" really hard stamped
on my profile. I was annoyed and resigned months later.
So be careful. It depends on who does the evaluation. You should talk with that
person about it. I wish I had done that in Florida because it contrasted sharply
with the VP from Colorado who did not like cliques. The managers on that job in Florida
actually preferred workers to be embedded in cliques.
In summary, it depends on the management in the project and how they perceive cliques.
Here's my question. Is tact really that hard for people to have? I'm very private, to the point that my delegated nickname at work is "the private one", and it's a running joke that no one knows a thing about me. BUT I know how to keep people at arm's length with tact, grace, and a smile, while making them comfortable and teaching them boundaries in a respectable manner.
OP, learn people skills or something. I'm private too (so private, I don't make threads about how private I am) and people still like hanging out with me because I know how to have a conversation that doesn't have to center around MY private life. I'm so private that no one even knows what I like to do for fun. YET I have work best friends, and I'm in a very extroverted setting (a recruiting agency) where being an introvert, which I am, just doesn't fly too well, yet I've made it work without sacrificing who I am, my privacy, and my reputation.
Learn how to socialize, especially if you want to be apart of society... which you are. Read a book on it or watch videos to help you. Life ain't easy and sometimes you gotta do a little homework to better position yourself in life. Socializing and remaining private while doing so doesn't require a blood sacrifice, you just need to learn tact and how to socialize so that you aren't coming off as rude, standoffish or just strange around people who are more open.
Some people are curious, some people are, bear with me, unique, and some people aren't you. You want them to respect you, to understand you, but you can't respect or understand that people's boundaries and thresholds aren't yours? You want these same people to understand you, but you can't, and refuse to, understand them?
Here's my question. Is tact really that hard for people to have? I'm very private, to the point that my delegated nickname at work is "the private one", and it's a running joke that no one knows a thing about me. BUT I know how to keep people at arm's length with tact, grace, and a smile, while making them comfortable and teaching them boundaries in a respectable manner.
OP, learn people skills or something. I'm private too (so private, I don't make threads about how private I am) and people still like hanging out with me because I know how to have a conversation that doesn't have to center around MY private life. I'm so private that no one even knows what I like to do for fun. YET I have work best friends, and I'm in a very extroverted setting (a recruiting agency) where being an introvert, which I am, just doesn't fly too well, yet I've made it work without sacrificing who I am, my privacy, and my reputation.
Learn how to socialize, especially if you want to be apart of society... which you are. Read a book on it or watch videos to help you. Life ain't easy and sometimes you gotta do a little homework to better position yourself in life. Socializing and remaining private while doing so doesn't require a blood sacrifice, you just need to learn tact and how to socialize so that you aren't coming off as rude, standoffish or just strange around people who are more open.
Some people are curious, some people are, bear with me, unique, and some people aren't you. You want them to respect you, to understand you, but you can't respect or understand that people's boundaries and thresholds aren't yours? You want these same people to understand you, but you can't, and refuse to, understand them?
Child, please.
I don't think she cares what they think of her and that is ok.
Some of you need to cut the crap and leave the poster alone. If she doesn't want to tell her business to colleagues, that's her right. Besides, 95% of colleagues are snakes so it makes no sense for you to open up to toxic people. The very people you open up to are the ones who could use your information against you. Ever hear of keeping your professional and personal life separate? Obviously not.
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