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Inconsiderate work colleagues, regarding food/meals, at a work retreat/conference. Or am I misreading the situation?
Hello everyone. I just spoke to a female relative who is at a week long work conference. A little background. It is more like a retreat as it is in a somewhat isolated beach resort area and they have plenty of free time between meetings. There are about 30 people attending who all know each other but since they all work in different cities rarely see each other and do not know each other that well. About 80% of the people are in their early/mid 20s with the rest in their late 20s/early 30s and one woman who is in her mid 50s. All the meals are "on your own".
It is a somewhat unusual situation as there is not a restaurant, or any food at all, in the place where people are staying although there are a couple of food stands on the beach selling seafood, a few cafes/restaurants within walking distance (mostly a long walking distance) and many, more cafes, restaurants, markets, grocery stores a half hour bus/taxi ride away. Since the group is so large, for the meals they are breaking off into smaller groups, usually six to eight people but occasionally a dozen or so.
My niece called me to vent (because I am a very sympathetic listener) about a few things that were bugging her. I'm going to share them here because they just struck me as so odd that I was curious if I am just "out of touch" with Americans today (I'm 66) or don't know a lot of inconsiderate, selfish people or what.
She had made arrangements to have dinner with a group of eight people tonight. It was arranged that they were going to order fresh cooked fish and have them delivered to where they are staying (that is a common practice at that resort) and they were going to make a bunch of appetizers to share to go with the fish. That was agreed by everyone, including my niece who is a vegetarian, that it was a very good plan. It is well known that my niece is a vegetarian and does not eat fish and she pointed out that she would just fill up on the appetizers. (while it was a minor point, everyone was sharing the cost of the fish & the appetizers equally but that was OK with my niece).
My niece went off to handle some work business and when she returned discovered that the other seven people had discussed it more and decided to order extra fish, of a different type, and not have any appetizers at all. That left my niece without any food to eat at all for dinner (but they still expected to divide the cost of the fish eight ways- which did not seem fair at all). It was too late to join another group as some of them had gone off to more distant restaurants or had made arrangements for late lunches and no dinner or other things.
So my niece, took the bus, by herself, to the city a half hour away to buy some food to make appetizers for herself to eat tonight (guacamole & bruschetta), while the others are eating fresh fish. As she was leaving the hotel/resort two people told her that they would like appetizers, too. (well why didn't they speak up when "everyone" decided no appetizers and more fresh fish?). So, she spent an hour and a half getting food from the market so she would have something to eat tonight. (BTW, she bought some extra food to eat in case this happened again).
To me that seems so inconsiderate and thoughtless of her work colleagues. But, am I missing something? Is my niece actually in the wrong because she trusted that when the group agreed on fish and vegetarian appetizers she believed them?
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She shared another situation that happened earlier in the week. A different woman suggested going to a Chinese restaurant for a meal. There was a group of about a dozen people that whole heartedly agreed with her. She said "Please wait a few minutes, as I have to get my cell phone from my room and go to the bathroom". By the time that she returned, about five or so minutes later, everyone had gotten into waiting taxis and had left for the distant Chinese restaurant without her. To me that seems very rude and inconsiderate.
But my niece said that had also happened to her, and others, during this work conference/retreat (where they said "Please wait five minutes for me" and the rest of the group didn't wait). Is that common? Frankly, I can't imagine not waiting five minutes for a work colleague who needs to use the bathroom or get their phone and/or money before we leave for a restaurant.
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But, maybe consideration and politeness is not as expected in this organization as it was in my work place.
Is this type of thing common? Or is it just a weird, unusual combination of mostly young adults, new to the work force in an odd situation (work conference/retreat in a place with limited food options) and that adds to the confusion. Frankly, I have never been in a situation, at a conference, retreat or convention, where there were not plenty of food options available to everyone. Maybe it is just because of the unusual circumstances that unusual, inconsiderate, things are happening?
PS. I've been doing more thinking about this and I wonder if it is sort of like an "every man for himself" situation as the participants do not know each other that well as they all work in different cities and only get together as a group twice a year (a few people see a few people more often and are friends). BTW, at previous retreats/work meetings the company arranged most of the meals. But for this one everyone is on their own.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-19-2018 at 10:18 AM..
Reason: added PS., made a few changes.
It seems uncommon to me... I've been to a few conferences where I vaguely knew some of the attendees, and everyone always seems very considerate with waiting and food choices. I will say that most of the attendees have been middle-aged women, with some exceptions; these were for a non-profit with a large volunteer base, and that just happens to be who tends to volunteer with this organization. The men (also mostly middle-aged) who were present also seemed very considerate. There were some younger people there and they didn't seem inconsiderate to me, but to be honest, I made all of my plans with the people my own age and didn't really mingle with the younger volunteers/staff outside of the scheduled events. No real reason; that's just how it worked out.
With all of that being said, is it possible that they were purposely excluding your niece? The thing with the taxis, in particular... unless she was taking a very long time, I am surprised that they would all leave her there. Even if she was taking a long time, I would think one of them would text her and say, "we're leaving in two minutes; if you're not down, get an Uber/taxi and meet us there!"
It seems uncommon to me... I've been to a few conferences where I vaguely knew some of the attendees, and everyone always seems very considerate with waiting and food choices. I will say that most of the attendees have been middle-aged women, with some exceptions; these were for a non-profit with a large volunteer base, and that just happens to be who tends to volunteer with this organization. The men (also mostly middle-aged) who were present also seemed very considerate. There were some younger people there and they didn't seem inconsiderate to me, but to be honest, I made all of my plans with the people my own age and didn't really mingle with the younger volunteers/staff outside of the scheduled events. No real reason; that's just how it worked out.
With all of that being said, is it possible that they were purposely excluding your niece? The thing with the taxis, in particular... unless she was taking a very long time, I am surprised that they would all leave her there. Even if she was taking a long time, I would think one of them would text her and say, "we're leaving in two minutes; if you're not down, get an Uber/taxi and meet us there!"
"With all of that being said, is it possible that they were purposely excluding your niece?" That occurred to me, too, as she probably is the only vegetarian in the group she has had a few problems with selecting restaurants. But she said that others had been left behind, or not included, at times, too.
It also occurred to me that since the participants did not know each other well (as they work in different cities) and only gather as a group twice a year it is sort of a "every man for himself" philosophy. That is so much different than typical jobs where you may see people every day or at least on a regular basis and know them very well.
Plus, I recall that at previous retreats/work conferences the company had arranged/organized many of the meals so this (I believe) is the first time that everyone is on their own for food (in an unusual place where food is not easily available).
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-19-2018 at 10:22 AM..
Reason: added extra comments
I wouldn't attribute to rudeness what can be explained by confusion. Since there is no food in the resort, and apparently there was nothing planned, everyone is left scrambling to figure something out. These informal groups where no one really knows each other just add to the confusion. Is she coming with our or going with someone else? Are we ordering fish or appetizers (BTW, that one doesn't even make sense on the surface -- you can order the fish prepared, but no sides or apps? )
I'd probably assume just engeral confusion rather than exclusion.
The behavior described does seem rather rude and selfish. Your niece might find that her best course is to accept that they have shown her who they are and how they will behave, regardless of whatever agreements she believes have been made, and take responsibility for her own meals without trying to include others or to be included in the plans of others. There is nothing to be gained in trying to make the rude, selfish people behave differently or accommodate her preferences or include her at all. She needs to assume that she is on her own and act accordingly. She could look at it as an opportunity to be resourceful and a chance to venture out on her own and discover new things without having to take others' preferences or schedules into consideration. If asked to go out of her way to accommodate any of the rude people, she should keep this experience in mind and be prepared with some polite (but firm) refusals. There is no reason for her to inconvenience herself in any way for them.
Perhaps it was just bad luck. For her vegiterian dinner they may have honestly forgotten. When she asked everyone to wait for her, they may have all thought she was with someone else.
I hate corporate events like this, it truly becomes every man for himself, not purposely it just happens organically.
I wouldn't attribute to rudeness what can be explained by confusion. Since there is no food in the resort, and apparently there was nothing planned, everyone is left scrambling to figure something out. These informal groups where no one really knows each other just add to the confusion. Is she coming with our or going with someone else? Are we ordering fish or appetizers (BTW, that one doesn't even make sense on the surface -- you can order the fish prepared, but no sides or apps? )
I'd probably assume just engeral confusion rather than exclusion.
It may mostly be confusion.
Regarding the fish for the evening meal, imagine a local fisherman preparing the catch of the day over an open grill, right in front of your eyes, on the beach in front of the resort. A local fisherman does not have sides or appetizers just fish. If you want something else to eat you have to get it someplace else.
She did say that she had a couple of wonderful experiences. After the woman who wanted to go to the Chinese restaurant was left behind she, and my niece and two other people went to a bar and had a great time.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I think that she called me mostly to vent and I posted mostly to vent, too.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-19-2018 at 01:08 PM..
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Regarding the fish for the evening meal, imagine a local fisherman preparing the catch of the day over an open grill, right in front of your eyes, on the beach in front of the resort. A local fisherman does not have sides or appetizers just fish. If you want something else to eat you have to get it someplace else.
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Thank you. I was picturing something like a grub hub type set up. Though what you described makes me think even more of an unorganized everyone for themselves set up. In which someone always gets overlooked.
The whole thing sounds like a cluster, frankly. I can't believe a work event would be so poorly planned as to create such obstacles for people to have regular meals.
On top of that, yes, it could be something specific about your niece where people are trying to avoid her or don't want to accommodate her. Or she could be communicating poorly and assuming people have said they will wait or they will make sure there are vegetarian choices, but she wasn't clear about her needs or they didn't say what she thought they said. or maybe some combination of the above.
But no, I would not say that this is common behavior amount specific age groups or anything like that. I have nieces who are in their early 20s and I haven't ever observed or heard them discuss behavior like this on a regular basis. Things are of course different now with texting and other means of communication so they do things like agree to meet at Place A but get there and find out it's too crowded or something and then text the other people in their group that they are going to meet at Place B instead - we didn't have that option when I was young, so we still had to just wait at Place A for everyone, then make plans on the spot to go elsewhere. But if anything, that makes it easier to avoid the kinds of misunderstandings.
Does your niece maybe not text or hasn't been using her phone to avoid extra charges or something like that? I don't want to sound like I'm trying to "blame the victim" but if she's the one repeatedly having these negative interactions with different groups of people, it does seem like it may be something about her rather than the larger group as a whole.
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