What do you think of this short story?

[ironpony]

I am aspiring to write screenplays, and for a screenwriting class, we have to take a longer script we wrote and condense it down to 5-8 pages, for a 5-8 minute short film.

Basically in screenplay format, one page, equals one minute of film time roughly. So I took a script of mine that was originally 97 pages (97 minutes roughly) and tried to condense it down to a short film story of 5-8 minutes.

However, I feel that so much of the plot has to be taken out and changed around, to the point where it's very cramped. Unless maybe it's just me...

Please let me know what you think. And honest opinions are good, cause they will not only help me as a writer, but also help to do better on the assignment before it's due.

Thanks. Here's the script. Some of the formatting is lost when I copy and paste it. I feel I should give a warning that it does deal with some brutal content, just fyi. Thanks.



EXT. ALLEY - BEHIND SHEILA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Three shadowy figures in the alley skulk from a car --

INT. SHEILA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

SHEILA, 30s, dusts the room with a Swiffer --
In the background, the TV is on --

NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
The reign of terror by two masked
men sexually assaulting women in
their homes, has continued. Police
say the men are transmitting videos
of their crimes from an untraceable
website. Dr Dennis Chalmers is here
to speak of the perpetrators' motive.

DR. DENNIS CHALMERS, 50's, dignified, stocky build, on the TV --

CHALMERS
In the videos, the perpetrators call
themselves victims of involuntary
celibacy, and they are committing
these crimes to no longer be victims.
Sheila turns -- Three MEN in masks, gloves, black clothes are
in front of her. Two tall and thin. The third shorter, thicker --
She gasps. Tries to run, but they grab her --

INT. SHEILA'S HOUSE - HALLWAY TO BEDROOMS - NIGHT

The shorter, thicker guy is Dr Chalmers, mask still down. Looks
at MANNING, 25, whose mask is rolled up.

CHALMERS
We can't have you failing again. Are
you ready?

MANNING
Yes.

Chalmers nods --

INT. SHEILA'S BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER
Chalmers leads Manning in. TERRY, 23, stands by the bed --
Sheila -- tied to the bed. A blindfold over her eyes and ears.

CHALMERS
Do it.

Manning reluctantly removes his pants. Gets on top of Sheila.
Starts to undress her. She panics. He sees the terror on her
face. He can't go any further --
Manning gets up off her. Chalmers pats him on shoulder.

MANNING
Can't do it.

Manning gestures for Chalmers and Terry to back off --

MANNING
Maybe I can do it if you aren't here.

Chalmers gestures to Terry. They both leave. Shut the door.
Manning listens at the door. Takes off Sheila's mask.

MANNING
(quietly)
I can't do this anymore.
(unties her)
Be quiet and stick with me.

After he frees her, she surprise-attacks him. Knocks him down.
From her dresser drawer she pulls out a handgun. He lunges at
her -- She SHOOTS him in the stomach.

Chalmers and Terry burst in. See the gun. Flee the room --
She tears after them --

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Chalmers and Terry run through the room. Out the front door.

EXT. SHEILA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Chalmers and Terry run out of the house.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Sheila locks the front door. Runs back to the bedroom.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
She barges in, ready to attack -- Manning dying on the floor.
She goes for the phone --

MANNING
Don't bother calling the cops. These
guys never leave any evidence. The
cops won't find them. I'm a cop.
My badge is in my pocket.
She still picks up the phone --

MANNING
The leader, he's a psychotherapist.
I'm his patient... the other guy
too. The shrink has leverage on us,
keeps us from ratting. You understand --

Manning dies...
Sheila paces around, thinking...

INT. SELF-STORAGE UNIT - DAY
Large. Empty. Chalmers paces around. Dressed in a suit jacket,
jeans, collared shirt, glasses. Looks anxious and scared. A
KNOCK in a specific pattern at the door -- He goes do the door.

CHALMERS
Who is it?

TERRY (O.S.)
It's me, Terry.
Chalmers opens the door. Terry bursts in. Plain clothes too.
Chalmers glances around outside, quickly shuts the door --

CHALMERS
Are you sure you weren't followed?

TERRY
Never saw anyone. Anyway, it's been
days. We're good. What's going on?

CHALMERS
The woman's framed us for Manning's
murder! It's all over the news.

TERRY
How would she frame us?

CHALMERS
She cut off his arms and legs and
mailed them to different police
stations. She sent a video with one
of the limbs, saying we did it. In
the video she wears a mask, talks
with an altered voice. The police
never found her DNA on his body parts.
Terry -- shocked.

CHALMERS
The video says this is what'll happen
to cops who investigate us. Any cop
who interferes will get the same.

TERRY
****!
(paces, thinks)
So, why did you call me here?

CHALMERS
She's just pissed off the cops to
come hard after us for revenge
because of what she did. We have to
stick together, figure out her plan.

TERRY
What's your plan?

CHALMERS
A rebuttal video. Masks on. I'll
talk. My voice altered. We say the
person in the other video's framed
us, that we never killed Manning.
We broadcast it from our website.

TERRY
That won't get the police to stop,
if they're out for revenge!

CHALMERS
Do you have a better idea?
After a blank moment from Terry, Chalmers sets up a camera --

CHALMERS
After the video, we hide out for a
while till things cool off.

Terry pulls out a dagger from his belt, hidden behind his jacket.
Chalmers doesn't notice as he sets up the camera and focus.

CHALMERS
Once we broadcast the video, it won't
be long before the police see it --
Chalmers sees Terry with the knife --

CHALMERS
What are you doing? Terry, please!

TERRY
You ruined my life. You said we'd
be successful. We wouldn't be caught.
That we were sending a message for
not being accepted by the opposite
sex. Now a psycho's set us up!
We're ****ed!

Chalmers slowly approaches him --

CHALMERS
Put the knife down, please!
Terry knocks Chalmers to the floor. Jumps on top. Chalmers
fights back.

CHALMERS
I can fix this! I can fix this!

TERRY
Yeah, how?

CHALMERS
I have evidence on Manning! Leverage
in case he ever turned on us! It's
here! We can show the cops Manning
is not worth revenge. It'll mess up
that woman's plan.

TERRY
If the police learn Manning was one
of us, we'll get more heat on us
through the murder investigation.

CHALMERS
We've left no DNA, no evidence. But
if they see what I have on Manning,
maybe they won't push too hard.

Terry lets Chalmers up. backs off. Chalmers sighs in relief.

LATER

Chalmers and Terry are in the same black clothes with masks and
gloves. They face a camera on a tripod, that records them.

CHALMERS
The video broadcast by the media was
a fake. Notice the media had to
broadcast it, instead of from our
website. This is because the person
accusing us of the murder couldn't
broadcast it from our site, since
that person isn't one of us. We've
been framed for the murder. The
victim, Officer Manning, a corrupt
cop, was one of us. Having a cop on
our side was obviously helpful.
You'll find proof of Manning being
with us in the following video.
(beat)
The person who framed us was only
one person in the video. We are
two. Can that person produce two?
Don't be fooled by this set up.
Chalmers walks to the camera. Turns it off. Shuts the lens
cap. He and Terry remove their masks. Their black clothes.

TERRY
So what now?

CHALMERS
The video is uploading now. Once
it's finished, the cops should see
it right away, since it's being
monitored. Then we can leave. I'm
just going to erase the remaining
evidence from the laptop now.

TERRY
So we just leave now that it's done?

CHALMERS
What else can we do?

LATER
Chalmers and Terry exit the storage unit dressed in normal
clothes, carrying their equipment out with them --
Sheila comes out from hiding -- points a pistol at them --

Chalmers and Terry put their hands up.

CHALMERS
How, how did you --

SHEILA
I recognized your voice at my house,
right after you were on TV. Tracked
you here. You lead me right to the
evidence you have on him.
She gestures to Terry.

TERRY
(to Chalmers)
Video of me? When did you do it?

SHEILA
It will be all over the web and the
news soon. You're both finished.

She walks away --
Chalmers and Terry freeze, having lost hope...

[ironpony]

So since no one responded, I'm guessing that it's really bad?

[jghorton]

Hard to tell whether it is good, bad or ??? -- confusing - need more background or context.

[ironpony]

Yeah I know what you mean. It's for a writing class I am in, and for the assignment, we could not go over 8 pages. So I don't really have room for background much. I can try to rewrite it, it's just the plot takes up a lot of the space it seems.