Oddball Kate
This blog entry, like some other of my blog entries, is written mostly for therapeutic reasons. Anyone can read it, but it should be kept in mind by any would-be reader that I am writing this for my own mental well-being.
I stayed home from work today. I have said several times in this blog that I have an anxiety disorder. In fact, I wrote an entire blog entry about it a few months ago. Throughout the afternoon yesterday my disorder had been stronger than usual. It is generally akin to some mildly irksome background noise in my day-to-day activities, but yesterday it was noticeably worse and it was starting to affect my behavior.
Also, I often suffer from full anxiety attacks. I average about one attack every few weeks. As I said, yesterday afternoon the anxiety was more than simple background noise. Yesterday evening it grew into a full-blown anxiety attack. Despite taking the anti-anxiety medication Xanax, the attack lasted for approximately an hour, which is about twice as long as my normal anxiety attacks. When it finally subsided, it felt like it could reoccur at any time, like a replenished storm getting a second life. Perhaps thanks to the Xanax, that didn’t happen. I finally was able to fall asleep in the early morning hours. This morning I awoke tired but otherwise okay. I decided I was not up for going to work.
Over the last hour or so I have been in a bathrobe, sitting in a chair, trying to put a self-image on to myself. With or without an anxiety disorder, I have come to the conclusion that I am an oddball. I look normal. I dress fairly conservatively. I sound like an ordinary person. But I am pretty sure I really am an oddball.
As a child, I performed amazingly well in school. It was actually a little embarrassing. Without a whole lot of effort I finished near the top in my high school graduating class. I went on to Arizona State University and then to Cornell. Without breaking the proverbial sweat, I did well academically in these places too. I was, and to some degree I still am a clandestine oddball nerd.
As I have mentioned before in this goofy blog, I returned home from college and immediately fell head-over-heels for a self-employed handyman. I think I was attracted not only to the notion that his life did not have a set direction, but that he did not want to live a life with a set direction. How odd is it for a female, Ivy League-educated nerd to fall for a guy who is in spirit a vagabond?
During this period I found enjoyment in the outdoors, rigorous exercise, and yes, sex. I took a job in Phoenix that paid me almost three times more what my boyfriend was making. I found it gratifying, even stimulating, that I was the one with the superior pay, helped by the fact that it did not bother my boyfriend one bit. On the other hand, never did I, or have I felt a yearning for marriage, or children. Perhaps those things have never appealed to me simply because they are mainstream notions, and not oddball.
Three years later, when my boyfriend left me for another woman, I was devastated. The only good thing that can be said is that during the period when I was emotionally ravaged, my anxiety disorder all but disappeared.
I needed a change in scenery so about a year and a half ago I took a position in Yuma, a decidedly oddball place to relocate. Through the next several months my heart began to heal from the devastation of my relationship’s end. With the mending came a return of my old enemy; my anxiety disorder. But there also came a return of a yearning for romance.
A few months ago that craving for romance was answered in the form of a 52 year-old man, a man 25 years older than me. I need not illuminate the oddballness there. It is obvious, especially to me. I am not sure what specific elements brought me into this relationship, with this particular man, and I have tried to figure it out. Maybe it’s simply that he wants to both delight me, and delight in me, and the oddball person I am. And as for his age; maybe I’m too just oddball to worry about that.
I can’t help but wonder what lies down my life’s road. There will be some silly, oddball ventures, no doubt. As for the immediate future, my appetite has finally returned and it is time to visit my refrigerator. At least there's nothing oddball about that.
I stayed home from work today. I have said several times in this blog that I have an anxiety disorder. In fact, I wrote an entire blog entry about it a few months ago. Throughout the afternoon yesterday my disorder had been stronger than usual. It is generally akin to some mildly irksome background noise in my day-to-day activities, but yesterday it was noticeably worse and it was starting to affect my behavior.
Also, I often suffer from full anxiety attacks. I average about one attack every few weeks. As I said, yesterday afternoon the anxiety was more than simple background noise. Yesterday evening it grew into a full-blown anxiety attack. Despite taking the anti-anxiety medication Xanax, the attack lasted for approximately an hour, which is about twice as long as my normal anxiety attacks. When it finally subsided, it felt like it could reoccur at any time, like a replenished storm getting a second life. Perhaps thanks to the Xanax, that didn’t happen. I finally was able to fall asleep in the early morning hours. This morning I awoke tired but otherwise okay. I decided I was not up for going to work.
Over the last hour or so I have been in a bathrobe, sitting in a chair, trying to put a self-image on to myself. With or without an anxiety disorder, I have come to the conclusion that I am an oddball. I look normal. I dress fairly conservatively. I sound like an ordinary person. But I am pretty sure I really am an oddball.
As a child, I performed amazingly well in school. It was actually a little embarrassing. Without a whole lot of effort I finished near the top in my high school graduating class. I went on to Arizona State University and then to Cornell. Without breaking the proverbial sweat, I did well academically in these places too. I was, and to some degree I still am a clandestine oddball nerd.
As I have mentioned before in this goofy blog, I returned home from college and immediately fell head-over-heels for a self-employed handyman. I think I was attracted not only to the notion that his life did not have a set direction, but that he did not want to live a life with a set direction. How odd is it for a female, Ivy League-educated nerd to fall for a guy who is in spirit a vagabond?
During this period I found enjoyment in the outdoors, rigorous exercise, and yes, sex. I took a job in Phoenix that paid me almost three times more what my boyfriend was making. I found it gratifying, even stimulating, that I was the one with the superior pay, helped by the fact that it did not bother my boyfriend one bit. On the other hand, never did I, or have I felt a yearning for marriage, or children. Perhaps those things have never appealed to me simply because they are mainstream notions, and not oddball.
Three years later, when my boyfriend left me for another woman, I was devastated. The only good thing that can be said is that during the period when I was emotionally ravaged, my anxiety disorder all but disappeared.
I needed a change in scenery so about a year and a half ago I took a position in Yuma, a decidedly oddball place to relocate. Through the next several months my heart began to heal from the devastation of my relationship’s end. With the mending came a return of my old enemy; my anxiety disorder. But there also came a return of a yearning for romance.
A few months ago that craving for romance was answered in the form of a 52 year-old man, a man 25 years older than me. I need not illuminate the oddballness there. It is obvious, especially to me. I am not sure what specific elements brought me into this relationship, with this particular man, and I have tried to figure it out. Maybe it’s simply that he wants to both delight me, and delight in me, and the oddball person I am. And as for his age; maybe I’m too just oddball to worry about that.
I can’t help but wonder what lies down my life’s road. There will be some silly, oddball ventures, no doubt. As for the immediate future, my appetite has finally returned and it is time to visit my refrigerator. At least there's nothing oddball about that.
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