Feeling down

I've been feeling kind of down for the past few days. Part of it is that for some reason I've been feeling unusually lonely--maybe it's because it rained all weekend from Hurricane Hanna, and so we stayed in, and I felt cooped up all weekend. And then hubby worked all day Sunday, when it was really nice out, and I just went out to sightsee alone, and just felt incredibly alone all day. As I walked around, it seemed like everyone I saw was with someone else--talking and laughing, except me.

Last night hubby had his extracurricular activities, and I just felt really alone. I watched TV and a movie, but just felt the weight of lonliness on me. Most days my friendlessness doesn't bother me, but some days, like the past few days, it definitely does. My job provides a bit of a social outlet, but not much. I really like everyone I work with but it's all just small talk at work--no one ever invites me out to do anything. I used to ask people out to lunch once in awhile, but haven't done that in awhile since I never seem to get a return invitation.

I don't know why it's so hard to make friends as an adult. I was looking through some old pictures the other day from high school, when I had a big group of friends and we had so much fun together. I also had no problem making friends in college and grad school. It's just after grad school when making friends seemed to become very difficult. I've been out of grad school for five years now and have not made a single friend in that time. I've also moved to two new states in the past five years, so that makes things challenging, too.

Do other people get lonely? For the most part I'm okay with it but certain days my lack of any sense of community really gets to me. The other reason I think I'm feeling extremely alone lately is because I have a lot on my mind healthwise. I still need to decide what to do about my breast lumps--am going for a second opinion soon. They've been very painful for the past two weeks, and have been bothering me a lot. And my heart palpitations have flared up in the past week and have gone from quite manageable to extremely frequent and irritating. I've had heart palpitations every day for the past year and a half, and was diagnosed with a heart rhythm disorder. For the past few months, I was getting the palps every day, as usual, but only a few per day, so it was manageable. In the last week it's been about one per minute, which is very hard to ignore, so I feel like I'm thinking about palpitations most of the day. It feels like a pause and then a thud in your chest, and is very hard to ignore.

And for the past few days our new kitten has been sick--vomiting. That's been stressing me out too. He didn't seem to do it yesterday, so I'm hoping whatever was irritating his stomach has passed, but it was very scary seeing him do it.

I'm not looking forward to work today--my job is okay overall but there are definitely some parts to it that I despise. If I could find another, better job I'd quit--but I don't think I could find a better job (not that this one is so great, but these types of jobs are hard to come by). I get paid absolute crap and don't like most of the job duties. I have to force myself to go in today, the only thing I'm looking forward to is having a nice lunch out. It's supposed to rain all day, and that doesn't help my mood either. I hate the rain and overcast days, it just completely drains all my energy.