His Name Is Cal

I write into my blog all kinds of stuff. Most of it is really pretty meaningless, at least pretty meaningless to anyone but me. And sometimes the stuff I write is even meaningless to me, it's just something I want to say. But I think that this is going to be a difficult entry to write. Maybe the most difficult entry so far. I'm not sure I want to write it, but I know I need to write it. So here it is...

I have been in a relationship with a guy, Steve, for over three months. He is a great guy. I will ask him to go hiking with me in the Arizona desert and almost always he will stop doing whatever he had been doing and start looking for his hiking boots, boots he bought for no other reason than to hike with me. There have been times when I have promised to get home from work a little early just to fix him a real dinner, only to get sidetracked and be unable to get away in time. I will call him and tell him I won’t be able to cook dinner and he will offer to stop someplace and get us both some carry-out or sub sandwiches. He is a humorous, personable man. For an older man he’s good-looking too. The one possible downside is that he is many years my senior.

About a month ago I told him that I consider the two of us to be in a committed, exclusive relationship. He told me that he was thinking along those same lines. I felt reassured. I think we both did. It was a big step for us.

Yesterday at my fitness center I got hit-on by a guy, a fellow club member. I was pedaling pretty fast on a stationary bike and he jokingly said something like I might catch the bike on fire. I slowed down, smiled, and replied that I had not been able to get to the fitness center for a few days and I was making up for lost time. We made idle, amusing chitchat for a few minutes and just before he walked away, he told me that he hoped we could chat again sometime. I smiled and said, “That would be nice.” Those were my very words.

He started to stroll away but he stepped back and told me his name is Cal. I told him my name is Katie.

Cal is about my age, give or take a year or two. He is really well-built and not at all bad-looking. I can’t deny that just talking to him for a few brief moments was kind of exciting, titillating I guess. It made me feel pretty good.

About two hours later Steve came by my condominium, just as he always does on Friday evenings. Some place in the back of my mind I was still thinking about Cal and our chat. Steve gave me a kiss to the forehead, placed an arm around me, and suggested we go out to dinner and a movie. He has talked about seeing the movie Lincoln.

What did I do? Well, I immediately burst into tears, that’s what. As I type these words, I cannot tell you exactly why. I think at least some of it was confusion. And to be totally honest, I think some of it was shame, shame for wanting to go out on the sly with Cal, and just maybe, shame for actually yet doing it. Tomorrow, Sunday, I will go to the fitness center in late morning, and I know there's a fair chance that Cal will be there. I might be wrong but it seems to me that he is usually there on Sundays at that time.

I feel so stupid.