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I agree. It's a very personal decision whether or not to have children, or pursue adoption or IVF treatments. And there is A LOT to consider. So first, take as much time as you need. You didn't mention your age. If you're relatively young (late twenties/early thirties), you have time to try the 'childfree' lifestyle and mentality. In two, three or four years, you may gradually change your mind and know in your heart you want to raise a child.
Another thought, since you've somewhat decided not to pursue IVF and have bio children, perhaps the feelings of not wanting children at all is because you won't be having your own biological children? Just a thought....
Go to the bookstores and browse all the infertility/adoption/childfree. That's helped me in the past.
BTW, we did three IVF treatments. On the 3rd, we said it would be our last and we would adopt if we didn't get pregnant. I did get pregnant that last time. That was 10 years ago. IVF technology has improved a lot since then. You can save extra embryos from the first procedure and have them implanted when you're ready to try for baby #2. It's not as expensive and less emotional upheaval. Having said that, I knew a couple still in their twenties that didn't want to go the fertility drug route first, but went straight for adoption.
Best wishes in your decision.
Thank you so much to everyone for this great feedback. I am 35 years old. My husband is 37. We've been together for 8 years, married for 3. So, I keep imaginining what it would be like to have a baby when I'm 40... to have a ten year old at 50... that's pretty scary to me. My energy is so low as is!!! But, I'm sure when you have your own child, it's different. Whenever we babysit, we oogle over our friends kids, our neice and nephew. I get so teary eyed when I see my friends' babies. But, we are also exhausted and overwhelmed and finally exhale when the night of babysitting comes to an end. My friends say, it's different when you have your own, because it's a gradual transition. I hope that is true. We find ourselves relieved to be back home in our orderly house, with our pets... (that's something that also scares me... does that mean we aren't fit or meant to have kids???).
Part of me thinks that I put so much pressure on myself to be able to provide a certain life to this "yet to be" child. As if everything has to be in place before we begin the process. Reality is, there is never a perfect time. We are trying to be financially ready, so we don't have added stress of money problems and we hope to have these things sorted out in the next year. But, that also delays us a year. UGGGGGGHHHHHHH... so much swirling in my head. I always imagined that having a family would be easy. I also remember thinking I'd be married by 28 and would have kids by 30. I thought we could just decide we were ready to start "trying" and BOOM ... baby would happen. Boy, did things turn out differently...such is LIFE! Nothing is certain, no guarantees... roll with it.
My husband and I will not be able to have biological children on our own without the help of IVF. Wondering if anyone has been faced with this, and if it was of primary importantance to have a biological child (say rather than having a child through adoption)?
Friends have said to me that "You should do whatever it takes", (meaning fertility treatments), but my husband and I just aren't so sure. We've been on the fence with this information that we won't be able to conceive on our own and feel like that means we either adopt or don't have children... (childfree). The whole thing has made us question if we even want children. This makes me feel some sort of guilt , like, if I wanted a child, shouldn't I just know that??? Shouldn't that be definitive? The fertility issue has raised doubts and I wonder if anyone else has had this experience and doubts about where to go from here?
We have been exploring adoption over the past year and a half, and right now it comes down to getting our finances in order, but the longer we wait, the more I question.... Anyone?
Is there any possibility of having a baby with a surrogate mother? Your biological embryo could be transferred to her, so that she would be the carrier of your child if there's a problem with your carrying it.
I just have a queasy feeling about the IVF. If the child came with any sort of handicap or deficiency, I would always wonder if it was my fault because of the treatment. That's the way my mind works.
I had babies, but I know that if I didn't, we would still have a good marriage. Getting pregnant isn't all that big deal in my humble opinion.
If you have any doubts, don't do it. Adopt, if you want to raise children.
If it helps you make your decision, Padgett, generally speaking in IVF, you can get preimplantation genetic diagnosis in which you take one cell from a 3-day or 5-day blastocyst and evaluate it for chromosomal abnormalities, which they can do by checking the cell's DNA for known chromosomal disorders like triosomy 21 (Down Syndrome) and other genetic disorders.
That's not a guarantee of a perfect baby -- nothing is, but I know you know that -- but it helps screen out any embryo that might have a serious genetic problem.
Thank you so much to everyone for this great feedback. I am 35 years old. My husband is 37. We've been together for 8 years, married for 3. So, I keep imaginining what it would be like to have a baby when I'm 40... to have a ten year old at 50... that's pretty scary to me. My energy is so low as is!!! But, I'm sure when you have your own child, it's different. Whenever we babysit, we oogle over our friends kids, our neice and nephew. I get so teary eyed when I see my friends' babies. But, we are also exhausted and overwhelmed and finally exhale when the night of babysitting comes to an end. My friends say, it's different when you have your own, because it's a gradual transition. I hope that is true. We find ourselves relieved to be back home in our orderly house, with our pets... (that's something that also scares me... does that mean we aren't fit or meant to have kids???).
Part of me thinks that I put so much pressure on myself to be able to provide a certain life to this "yet to be" child. As if everything has to be in place before we begin the process. Reality is, there is never a perfect time. We are trying to be financially ready, so we don't have added stress of money problems and we hope to have these things sorted out in the next year. But, that also delays us a year. UGGGGGGHHHHHHH... so much swirling in my head. I always imagined that having a family would be easy. I also remember thinking I'd be married by 28 and would have kids by 30. I thought we could just decide we were ready to start "trying" and BOOM ... baby would happen. Boy, did things turn out differently...such is LIFE! Nothing is certain, no guarantees... roll with it.
Do you mind if I ask what the reason for the infertility is? None of my bizwax, of course, but I am curious given that it's the subject of the discussion.
Do you mind if I ask what the reason for the infertility is? None of my bizwax, of course, but I am curious given that it's the subject of the discussion.
My husband has low motility, low quality, low count... and I have one ovary and a blocked tube on the side missing the ovary, and PCOS in the good ovary.
We have dealt with infertility ; did the clomid route also. But then we decided to try donor sperm ; yes, dh had a 0 count and I also had problems.
We have two wonderful boys via donor sperm. Just giving you a different side of things. My dh is the best dad I could know. He adores our boys and we rarely even speak about the donor.
We didnt do IVF ; I just couldnt go there. Dh couldnt go to adoption ; not that there is anything wrong with it at all, but being adopted, he just couldnt do it himself. We did fertinex injections and got pregnant on our first try.
Good luck ; let me know if you want/need any other info.
dorothy
We adopted our son as a newborn. (My issues were not with fertility but other medical problems.) Being a parent was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. My husband was more enthusiastic about doing it than I was. I would have been content to be childless except for his feelings about it. That would have been a big mistake! I was absolutely crazy about my son! We adopted many years ago in 1984. At that time, it was very difficult to adopt an infant due to lack of infants being placed for adoption (in the U.S. anyway) I don't know what the story is now. I suspect much the same. In that case, a foreign adoption might be possible if you are open to that.
My husband has low motility, low quality, low count... and I have one ovary and a blocked tube on the side missing the ovary, and PCOS in the good ovary.
After an ectopic pregnancy, I had scar tissue and an exam revealed a closed tube. Our fertility dr performed one IVF and, boy, were we surprised when we got pg on the 1st try - especially since I ovulated on the closed side. Dr just said that those are stats and sometimes it happens. We had a fairly normal pg and now have one healthy 3 1/2 yr boy. The only thing that we waited for before trying to get pg after getting married was for my dh to finish a masters & get a job and then we waited a couple of months so that we could go to a highly-regarded specialist under insurance.
JinLa - I'm 40 now and my hubby is 45 and our son 3 1/2. Yes, we're tired but I don't think more so than our friends. We only have one kid and lots of younger friends have 2 or more. Hubby and I definately take turns watching and playing with our son and we make sure that we each have down time (afternoon naps on the weekend).
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But, I'm sure when you have your own child, it's different. Whenever we babysit, we oogle over our friends kids, our neice and nephew. I get so teary eyed when I see my friends' babies. But, we are also exhausted and overwhelmed and finally exhale when the night of babysitting comes to an end. My friends say, it's different when you have your own, because it's a gradual transition. I hope that is true. We find ourselves relieved to be back home in our orderly house, with our pets... (that's something that also scares me... does that mean we aren't fit or meant to have kids???).
IVF baby
