changing child's name (newborn, birth mother, options, parents)
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I'm beginning to see that there is no reason why the children can't know who their birth parents are, what there names are or their heritage.
With children from Central Asia, they are what they are. My daughter is Korean. She knows that she is Korean.
The children I adopt from Ukraine will be Ukrainian or Ukrainian Russian unless they are Roma. We will know this. So again, the pattern that seems to be emerging is the burning desire of DOMESTIC adopties to know their heritage, and the lack there of of International Adoptees to know this.
If my daughter ever changes her mind, about meeting them, in Korea it's not even possible. I really do not think she will ever want to.
I don't think she will ever care about her parents names. She knows what time and where she was born so she has access to her Astrological Natal Chart, which is important in our family.
i agree about name changes. My daughter's was given by a Foster Mother. She knows it, and that's enough for her.
I don't know if you know, but there are very large communities of Korean adoptees online and that regularly meet in person as well. There are also many non-adopted Koreans that support these groups as well and mourn the loss of Korean children to the US. I traveled to Korea with such a Korean adoptee group when I was in my 20s, so I got to know quite a few. I honestly haven't met an adult Korean adoptee that didn't want to know about Korea and there are a LOT that search and find their birth family even if the parents have passed. Some have this self-discovery and awareness early and some have it much later in life. I didn't really have an interest until my 20s and I am 41 now and am searching for my birth family. Everyone has their own timeline. One thing I know for sure is that Korean adoptees feel at home with other Korean adoptees.
I think the reason I delayed looking for my birth family is that I knew my adopted parents didn't want me to and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. It has come to such a separation between us that I have had limited contact with them that just started just this past year. Now that I no longer have that pressure, I have gotten the courage to search. It has been "repressed" for so long that it has caused me problems, however like others have said, if you met me you would never know.
If I could tell my adopted parents one thing, it would be that I wish they had encouraged the link to my natural family (not just been ok with it, but actively encouraged it) and made me feel it was ok to mourn that loss, I think we would be in a much better place today.
It seems like some people advocating this change would want all historic records restored, which would be increasingly difficult the further back you go, while others might be more pragmatic and want the system changed from X date forward. Is it the inertia of the system that stands in the way, or can people not agree on the goal, or what? Unsympathetic or possessive parents aside, what is the obstacle in the courts?
I really think that the courts would change if there was a clamoring of adoptees for there to be a change in the way things are done. Apparently the only people that want a change are on this forum.
I really think that the courts would change if there was a clamoring of adoptees for there to be a change in the way things are done. Apparently the only people that want a change are on this forum.
There is a clamouring of adoptees and birthparents and, yes, even adoptive parents wanting there to be a change in the way things are done.
However, we are all up against the might of the Adoption Industry, eg the NCFA, who are the ones with the money and power.
Over the last few years, a few more states have unsealed their records thanks to the abovementioned adoptees/bmoms/APs but it is a slow process.
In NZ and Australia, our records have been unsealed since the mid 80s. Society hasn't collapsed.
I am a Korean adoptee and I have a "fake" US birth certificate naming my adoptive parents as my mother and father. There is no indication on it that I was adopted, but obviously 2 Irish people did not make me. Also, at the top, it's typed in "This certificate is not evidence of United States Citizenship". I often wondered if other BCs say that? My BC is strange to put it nicely.
I actually have been thinking about changing my name back, but it would be difficult career wise and my son is still in school and we have the same last name. I am thinking of making it my middle name however.
You were probably re-adopted in the U.S. It's becoming more and more common because it's just easier to have a U.S. birth certificate when it comes to paperwork for things.
I really think that the courts would change if there was a clamoring of adoptees for there to be a change in the way things are done. Apparently the only people that want a change are on this forum.
There is a lot of opposition from the adoption industry and thinking it will make adoption unattractive. However, progress is being made and it's not just the people on this board. If you were informed on this topic, you would know that's far from being true. There is a LOT of information out there regarding adoption reform in Korea being more focused on the adoptee, the birthmoms and decreasing international adoption. Reform has come about through pressure from adoptees and interest groups.
I don't know if you know, but there are very large communities of Korean adoptees online and that regularly meet in person as well. There are also many non-adopted Koreans that support these groups as well and mourn the loss of Korean children to the US. I traveled to Korea with such a Korean adoptee group when I was in my 20s, so I got to know quite a few. I honestly haven't met an adult Korean adoptee that didn't want to know about Korea and there are a LOT that search and find their birth family even if the parents have passed. Some have this self-discovery and awareness early and some have it much later in life. I didn't really have an interest until my 20s and I am 41 now and am searching for my birth family. Everyone has their own timeline. One thing I know for sure is that Korean adoptees feel at home with other Korean adoptees.
I think the reason I delayed looking for my birth family is that I knew my adopted parents didn't want me to and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. It has come to such a separation between us that I have had limited contact with them that just started just this past year. Now that I no longer have that pressure, I have gotten the courage to search. It has been "repressed" for so long that it has caused me problems, however like others have said, if you met me you would never know.
If I could tell my adopted parents one thing, it would be that I wish they had encouraged the link to my natural family (not just been ok with it, but actively encouraged it) and made me feel it was ok to mourn that loss, I think we would be in a much better place today.
I am neither encouraging them or discouraging her. I know that nothing I say will make you be open to the idea that some Korean adoptees, my daughter being one, are content and mater of fact.
When I have tried to encourage things Korean, it's gone over like a lead balloon.
When I offered Korean Culture Camp in Colorado she YELLED at me! She told me to send her brother to English, Celtic, Scandinavian camp! She told me to stop "Shoving Korea down her throat." She told my wife to cut it out with Korea and that she had no interest in Culture Camp or going there.
What do you really want me to do?
I will believe you that their are Korean adotiees who feel this way, however the anti adoption people will just say she is brainwashed.
I am neither encouraging them or discouraging her. I know that nothing I say will make you be open to the idea that some Korean adoptees, my daughter being one, are content and mater of fact.
When I have tried to encourage things Korean, it's gone over like a lead balloon.
When I offered Korean Culture Camp in Colorado she YELLED at me! She told me to send her brother to English, Celtic, Scandinavian camp! She told me to stop "Shoving Korea down her throat." She told my wife to cut it out with Korea and that she had no interest in Culture Camp or going there.
What do you really want me to do?
I will believe you that their are Korean adotiees who feel this way, however the anti adoption people will just say she is brainwashed.
If I'm wrong I'd love that to be the case.
Hey, as a teenager, I probably would have been like that too - I wouldn't have wanted to feel pressured into doing anything I didn't want to do. She seems to all intent and purposes to not be interested right now and that is her right.
I think there are three points - two which have been flogged to death and they are that 1) her feelings are her feelings and she has a right to them; and 2) that feelings change - so I won't dwell on those.
The other one is that even though it may be unintentional, some of your other posts do come across sometimes as though the very fact that your daughter has no interest is proof of her being well adjusted and that those adoptees that wish to know more are maladjusted. As I said it may be unintentional but you can no doubt see that in those aparents who do portray that to their children (and I'm not saying you do, just saying in general), that their child may internalise those feelings. I suspect that on the other hand, you think that we are implying the opposite but I can assure I personally am not.
The truth is that the lack of interest is just a lack of interest - some children are curious and others aren't. One just needs to make sure that the lack of interest is just a healthy lack of interest and not because of feeling pressure by others. I'm not saying that you yourself are affecting your child's feelings in anyway but it does happen quite a bit and I am sure that it is quite unintentional. Many aparent friends I know say themselves that they know they have to be really careful about not influencing their child in any way as it is so easily done. It is all about finding the happy medium and certainly it is one of the great challenges of adoptive parenting and I don't envy that part of it.
Last edited by susankate; 09-20-2012 at 01:42 AM..
I really think that the courts would change if there was a clamoring of adoptees for there to be a change in the way things are done. Apparently the only people that want a change are on this forum.
Have a look around Bastard Nation. It was formed back in 1996 by adoptees to bring reforms to the adoption industry. They are primarily the ones responsible for many of the open adoption policies in practice today. I quote from their website, it may clarify the positions of many of the adoptees who post here.
Is Bastard Nation anti-adoption?
No. We are not anti-adoption; we ARE adoption. The opposition to open records, most notably the National Council for Adoption, has long characterized those who are for open records as being anti-adoption, since in their convoluted logic the end of sealed records will destroy adoption as an institution. There are many adoption-related issues BN takes no position on. While individual members hold varying views on adoption, the only mission of Bastard Nation is the restoration and maintenance of the right of adopted persons to unconditional access to their own state-held records.
I am neither encouraging them or discouraging her. I know that nothing I say will make you be open to the idea that some Korean adoptees, my daughter being one, are content and mater of fact.
I hope you can see that acknowledging the many adoptees who do find their names, heritage, families important is not the same as accusing your daughter of being discontent. & that pointing out that many of us were also disinterested at sixteen, & that feelings tend to evolve for many adoptees over time is not a threat or an insult to you as a parent? Nor is it saying your daughter absolutely, without a doubt will feel differently in the future. Maybe she will, maybe she won't.
A defensive reaction to these statements makes it seem like it is a bad thing for adoptees to have evolving feelings about adoption, but I assure you it is quite common, normal, & healthy.
Quote:
I will believe you that their are Korean adotiees who feel this way, however the anti adoption people will just say she is brainwashed.
If I'm wrong I'd love that to be the case.
There probably are some people who would say she is brainwashed, but no one here is telling you that.
It is possible for adoptees to have unresolved feelings/ambivalence that causes them to reject their "Asian side," or to be in denial about adoption having any impact on them, but that is not saying that is necessarily true for your daughter. It is just pointing out that denial can be a very normal part of an adoptee's grief proccess. Some don't experience it, some do. I did... from around about the third grade until my mid-twenties. There is some literature that sheds light on the stages of grief that adoptees go through & how it tends to change over their lifetime. I can try to find a link if you are interested?
I'm curious as to whether you think it is appropriate to change a child's birthname. I'm referring to older kids, not babies.
I think it is not only inappropriate, but exercises a level of control over the child that could be damaging to the child's self-esteem.
If a child wants to change their name, and persists in the desire over a period of time -- say six months to a year, then I would support it. If it is another choosing to change it, I would advise against it.
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