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Family is tricky (and a bit crazy) for us all. Tell those you want to tell. You don’t have to tell the rest. 100% your call.
Glad you have a loving partner. And one who will support you in your choices. He’s a keeper!
Yes, family is tricky. I recall when my dad wouldn't inform any of his out-of-state kids he was in the hospital on several occasions. Once, he didn't call anyone until he was lying on the gurney in pre-op (appendectomy). Of course by then no one could have reached him in time to help arrange anything anyway. He'd been increasingly sick for days and finally went to the ER. They removed his appendix right as it was trying to perforate. I recall being pretty irritated with him. Later, realized my irritation was really thwarted, impeded love. His secretiveness implied that he didn't trust anyone enough to "expose" a truth. It meant that I couldn't do anything to express my love as I would have liked to. All affection I had for him he simply dismissed. THAT'S what I was angry about, not the person per se.
He excused this claiming he didn't want anyone to worry. That was BS. He would have resented it if people DIDN'T drop everything and worry. Some of us learned to call him on it and described how much worse their worry ended up being when he didn't let anyone know what was going on.
All that being said, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. You don't know what's going to happen yet. Maybe very little. I can completely understand waiting to tell more than a couple of people anything until you know what's ahead. Vent to the ones who can commiserate and support you now. Then, once you know more, inform as seems right. Let people help. If they care about you they desperately want to. It is part of being loved.
Last edited by Parnassia; 02-01-2020 at 03:34 PM..
Yes, family is tricky. I recall when my dad wouldn't inform any of his out-of-state kids he was in the hospital on several occasions. Once, he didn't call anyone until he was lying on the gurney in pre-op (appendectomy). Of course by then no one could have reached him in time to help arrange anything anyway. He'd been increasingly sick for days and finally went to the ER. They removed his appendix right as it was trying to perforate. I recall being pretty irritated with him. Later, realized my irritation was really thwarted, impeded love. His secretiveness implied that he didn't trust anyone enough to "expose" a truth. It meant that I couldn't do anything to express my love as I would have liked to. All affection I had for him he simply dismissed. THAT'S what I was angry about, not the person per se.
He excused this claiming he didn't want anyone to worry. That was BS. He would have resented it if people DIDN'T drop everything and worry. Some of us learned to call him on it and described how much worse their worry ended up being when he didn't let anyone know what was going on.
All that being said, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. You don't know what's going to happen yet. Maybe very little. I can completely understand waiting to tell more than a couple of people anything until you know what's ahead. Vent to the ones who can commiserate and support you now. Then, once you know more, inform as seems right. Let people help. If they care about you they desperately want to. It is part of being loved.
Twice my parents haven't told me of a surgery/hospitalization until after the fact, and they were much more serious than what I'm going through. As far as siblings go, we've all grown up and have our own lives so I don't expect blow by blows from them (but apparently a couple expect that from me!)
I am going to post a tiny objection to your last couple of sentences - help from some people is complicated. Sometimes they do it so you will help them in the future, sometimes they do it because they want the attention from helping, or juggling work/family/you? (like Oh! I'm SO tired because I was helping XYZ after their procedure, I just DON'T know WHAT they'd do if I wasn't there!)
When I help someone it's because I can, and am able to help them, and I expect nothing in return. I just want them well, or their mind eased at least.
I've told a couple of people, mostly people I work the closest with so they know what's going on with me because I will be needing time to myself for a bit I suppose!
I am going to post a tiny objection to your last couple of sentences - help from some people is complicated. Sometimes they do it so you will help them in the future, sometimes they do it because they want the attention from helping, or juggling work/family/you? (like Oh! I'm SO tired because I was helping XYZ after their procedure, I just DON'T know WHAT they'd do if I wasn't there!)
Of course, you're right. Ah, that famous "ulterior motive"! I don't tend to be very good at spotting those until they smack me upside the head. I have one sister who likes the attention she gets from her "mercy missions". She's about as subtle as a rat terrier x road grader and pisses everyone off fairly quickly. Luckily as we've gotten older I think we're approaching equilibrium. I know her motives are mostly good and as she has some experience in the medical realm really can be a help. When I was facing surgery last year she wanted to fly up to "be there". At first, I hesitated given our history. Then, realizing the ulterior motive was to visit a rather exotic locale, I caved. Turned the visiting rat terrier loose on a few tunnels I didn't really need to dig. Worked out pretty well, we talked over a lot of things from the past, and have to admit we've been closer since.
Last edited by Parnassia; 02-01-2020 at 05:18 PM..
Of course, you're right. Ah, that famous "ulterior motive"! I don't tend to be very good at spotting those until they smack me upside the head. I have one sister who likes the attention she gets from her "mercy missions". She's about as subtle as a rat terrier x road grader and pisses everyone off fairly quickly. Luckily as we've gotten older I think we're approaching equilibrium. I know her motives are mostly good and as she has some experience in the medical realm really can be a help. When I was facing surgery last year she wanted to fly up to "be there". At first, I hesitated given our history. Then, realizing the ulterior motive was to visit a rather exotic locale, I caved. Turned the visiting rat terrier loose on a few tunnels I didn't really need to dig. Worked out pretty well, we talked over a lot of things from the past, and have to admit we've been closer since.
That's great that it worked out! I usually get smacked in the head too.
I have an acquaintance that has told me stories of "testing" his friends to make sure they will be there for him, which to me sounds like game playing. I know enough about his personality now that he is on my "not telling at this time" list. I have a feeling he knows something is up as he's suddenly asking me "how's things" "what's up" and more often "anything new?" - all things he's never asked in the 4+ years I've known him. He is a very needy person who is always at the edge of a cliff, and whatever your issues are, they are nowhere near as critical as his cliff-of-the-day. I can see me walking out of the hospital the same moment he's walking up to his cliff..... nope, don't need that as I'm recovering. I will have to tell him something if I have to go off the grid for a few days but I'll figure that out when I get there.
I’ve been lurking this thread. I’m sorry that you didn’t get good news. However, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 38 (in 1968). She did have a radical mastectomy (because that’s all they did in 1968), but no chemo or radiation. My guess is she was stage 0. She turned 87 in December. She’s had no reoccurrence. I wish you the best. If you aren’t completely confident with your doctors, get a second opinion.
I’ve been lurking this thread. I’m sorry that you didn’t get good news. However, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 38 (in 1968). She did have a radical mastectomy (because that’s all they did in 1968), but no chemo or radiation. My guess is she was stage 0. She turned 87 in December. She’s had no reoccurrence. I wish you the best. If you aren’t completely confident with your doctors, get a second opinion.
I'm glad your mom is doing well! I am guessing it's amazing she was diagnosed - how was that done back then? A grandparent of mine died of colon cancer not too long after that, and I don't remember them going through any treatment (but I was was young and they probably wouldn't have told us much, if anything). That is the only incidence of cancer that I know of in my more immediate family, so this is fairly confusing as to why and how this happened. (I know, I know, I don't have cancer, but now I seem to have in increased risk of invasive cancer in the future). We do have some autoimmune issues in the family.
I am definitely getting more than one opinion!
Also, your mom must do yearly mammograms? Anything else?
That is the only incidence of cancer that I know of in my more immediate family, so this is fairly confusing as to why and how this happened.
There isn't necessarily any explanation for why this happened. The majority of new BC diagnoses (I know, I know, this isn't BC) do NOT have a hereditary/genetic link. I have/had BC but I didn't have any family history or genetic predisposition for it. My mother, grandmothers and aunt didn't have any type of cancer. My sisters don't either. I did some genetic testing for my niece's sake...nothing. Something triggered cell mutations and it just happened. It helps many people accept something if they can pin it to something outside their control. We like answers, explanations. Sometimes there just isn't one. An extreme example would be believing that everything you do is predetermined by fate so you are absolved of responsibility.
I had a heart attack in December. Not to repeat a long story, but there wasn't an explanation for it. I don't have heart disease, normal BP, normal to low cholesterol/lipids, basically healthy lifestyle, no family history. For some reason a blood clot formed somewhere and blocked an artery that was, BTW, clear and healthy otherwise. No genetic or autoimmune disorders that affect clotting factors. It just happened. I am left with a slightly scarred up heart that is supposedly back to behaving itself.
Last edited by Parnassia; 02-03-2020 at 04:31 PM..
What was your breast cancer again? I've forgotten at this point and I think I saw it on another thread. I am glad you survived your heart attack! That must've been scary. I always feel like I won't know what it is. A friend told me that if you call for an ambulance, you do not have to go anywhere and you won't get charged (at least around here). So if you're worried, you can call them, they will check you out and you can make a decision then. Of course if you're not doing well they may make the decision for you, but I always see dollar signs when I think of an ambulance and that was a good thing to hear.
I am beyond scared at this point. My gyn called me yesterday (she was out Friday and did not deliver the news herself). I asked her about running hormone labs so we have the latest before going into surgery, and she said they'll be giving me drugs to suppress my hormones anyway, so no need to do them. The other place I talked to said that is not always the course of treatment and those drugs are hard on your body as well. And it really depends on what they find in there.
I have my surgeon consults set up. One late this week, one next.
I keep thinking of all projects I want to finish in the house (like painting). I've been working on a bedroom for the last few weeks.
Funny you mention normal/low cholesterol - I posted what I thought were pretty perfect cholesterol levels in a group, and was told "TOO LOW!!!!" I didn't think there was such a thing.
I found a breast cancer forum but it's very inactive so all I've done is read. People are all over the board about LCIS, from no it's not cancer, take out the lesion and wait and see, to yes it basically is, take it out and start drugs.
Meanwhile, my left breast feels tingly (finally took the steri-strips off last night) and my left shoulder is sore from a workout that seems like it was ages ago...... so yeah, I've got a lot of bad thoughts in my head. Maybe I should ask my religious sibling to pray for me, but that seems so hypocritical.
I'm glad your mom is doing well! I am guessing it's amazing she was diagnosed - how was that done back then? A grandparent of mine died of colon cancer not too long after that, and I don't remember them going through any treatment (but I was was young and they probably wouldn't have told us much, if anything). That is the only incidence of cancer that I know of in my more immediate family, so this is fairly confusing as to why and how this happened. (I know, I know, I don't have cancer, but now I seem to have in increased risk of invasive cancer in the future). We do have some autoimmune issues in the family.
I am definitely getting more than one opinion!
Also, your mom must do yearly mammograms? Anything else?
She found the lump herself. When they biopsied it, it came back benign. She insisted that it come out anyway. When they removed the lump, the pathology showed it was actually malignant. Again, the only option then was a radical mastectomy. Yes she still gets yearly mammogram on her other breast.
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