Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know if it will work with your mother, but here is a trick that works for some children/adults.
Straighten everything up and have clearly defined spaces, such as a shoe rack for shoes, a bin for sweaters, one section of the closet for blouses/tops and a different section for pants/skirts. Perhaps, even a bin or two or the shoe rack outside of the closet to leave some space between them. Then take a photograph of each neat & organized section and attach the photograph to the bin/rack/area to use as a visual guide for putting things away You can even enrage each photograph to 5 by 7 or 8 by 10 and add a written label, if you think that it would help.
I know that your mom is a "clothes horse" but limiting the amount of clothes and shoes may help, too. Perhaps even rotating her clothes. For example, leave only four pairs of pants, four tops, three dresses and two or three pair of shoes at a time. Or remove all of her infrequently worn clothes, or wrong season clothes, so that she does not get confused. Heck, I'm thinking of my own closet, I have a number of favorite outfits that I wear over and over again and many that I might wear "once in a blue moon". Those "blue moon" clothes could easily be packed away or put into garment bags, (actually that has been on my "to do" list for months).
Good ideas.
I'm going to clean her closet out ONE last time. I like your idea of the photo so I'll do that and tape it to her closet door.
However, I've organized her closet, kitchen, etc many times over the years really to no avail. She has had a very disorganized mind for as long as I've known her. It's like she thinks organized spaces are "trying to boss her around." I swear that's how it feels. She is so oppositional it's not even funny. My dad used to joke about her seeing an organized drawer and feeling a strange compulsion to mess it up and I think there's a lot of truth to that.
I'm a pretty well organized person - not perfect but I'd say a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1-10. I'm naturally about a 6 but I push myself to be better than I naturally "feel" in that area. She thinks I am absolutely the most organized person in the world, so she has often begged me to help her "get more organized" over the years. Her kitchen was a perfect example of complete lack of organizational skills - NOTHING was conveniently placed. Even to the point of having utensils that you use AT THE STOVE all the way across the room. Knives in various drawers. Tupperware with zero matching tops - or tons of tops with no bottoms. Silverware in a totally inconvenient drawer, away from cups and plates. Towels about as far from the sink as they could be. So she begged me to organize her kitchen. I did so. I showed her where everything was. Instead of being happy about it, after she had asked me to do it, she went off on this whole, "You aren't as smart as you think you are" thing. I'd say, "Look, Mom - I'm not saying I'm smarter than you - I'm just saying it makes more sense to put all your towels here and all your utensils here, and all your knives in one spot. It's more convenient."
It would stay like that for about a month.
Now she can't even bear for things to be in drawers. In a drawer, it may as well be on Mars. And that's the truth.
I just completely organized her closet 6 weeks ago.
It is futile. She really is disorganized and anything you do will not change that. Just make it as easy on you as you can. She can't reason, she can't remember, and she 'has her ways' to start with. So just make it easy and do what you can to minimize the confusion.
1. my mom is very disorganized. I don't think it would be any better in a larger space but it is difficult in a small area as she has now. So we limit her clothes to a week's worth and my sister rotates them with those that are stored at sis' house frequently. We keep minimums in Mom's room for anything really.
Of course my Mom is farther along with dementia than your Mom is but I see the similarity. Mom has always been scattered verbally and to read a letter from her took a code breaker so this is not new, just worse.
I talked to her on the phone last night and Mom couldn't put more than a couple of words together that were coherent and I ran out of safe chat topics. I am still sad.
2. on the money, I see your concern. We gave Mom just a few dollars that could afford to be stolen and she keeps it in her wallet. She has now forgotten what a wallet is, so just hang on and minimize the extra money; the time will come she will have forgotten.
Do you think family is asking her for money? If you think it is staff you might have a talk with them that you are limiting funds for safekeeping reasons but not to say you suspect them, just for her own safekeeping.
"someone" stole my Mom's wedding ring and "no one" can find it. A report was made, but... It was so much a part of her soul that we sisters couldn't bear taking it away from her for safekeeping but we all thought separately to do so and couldn't bring ourselves to take it from her.
3. Lastly, just keep your head down and plow through. You are going through hell now (as is she) but sadly the time will come that none of the things that hurt or frustrate will matter anymore. She will at some time be so far gone that shoes, money, things, will be beyond her.
and while it is quieter that it isn't the phone call emergency of the day, we sisters are sadly just making her comfortable and knowing she isn't there but for brief moments. Maybe we would welcome an occasional emergency but Mom is past that.
Know you took care of a MIL with ALZ and can see the differences between your Mom and MIL's conditions. My Aunt's ALZ, my Dad's Lewi Body Disease (dementia), and Mom's dementia all had different flavors. And dealing with each takes a different toll, I guess
Good luck
Last edited by theoldnorthstate; 02-15-2017 at 09:27 AM..
I'm going to clean her closet out ONE last time. I like your idea of the photo so I'll do that and tape it to her closet door.
However, I've organized her closet, kitchen, etc many times over the years really to no avail. She has had a very disorganized mind for as long as I've known her. It's like she thinks organized spaces are "trying to boss her around." I swear that's how it feels. She is so oppositional it's not even funny. My dad used to joke about her seeing an organized drawer and feeling a strange compulsion to mess it up and I think there's a lot of truth to that.
I'm a pretty well organized person - not perfect but I'd say a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1-10. I'm naturally about a 6 but I push myself to be better than I naturally "feel" in that area. She thinks I am absolutely the most organized person in the world, so she has often begged me to help her "get more organized" over the years. Her kitchen was a perfect example of complete lack of organizational skills - NOTHING was conveniently placed. Even to the point of having utensils that you use AT THE STOVE all the way across the room. Knives in various drawers. Tupperware with zero matching tops - or tons of tops with no bottoms. Silverware in a totally inconvenient drawer, away from cups and plates. Towels about as far from the sink as they could be. So she begged me to organize her kitchen. I did so. I showed her where everything was. Instead of being happy about it, after she had asked me to do it, she went off on this whole, "You aren't as smart as you think you are" thing. I'd say, "Look, Mom - I'm not saying I'm smarter than you - I'm just saying it makes more sense to put all your towels here and all your utensils here, and all your knives in one spot. It's more convenient."
It would stay like that for about a month.
Now she can't even bear for things to be in drawers. In a drawer, it may as well be on Mars. And that's the truth.
I just completely organized her closet 6 weeks ago.
It's totally depressing and feels futile.
If that is the case with your mother, then perhaps you should simply "refuse to help anymore", "refuse to organize", "refuse to buy more socks and shoes and clothes". What's the absolutely worst that would happen? She would lose everything in her closet and start to look like a bag lady. Big deal.
My dad, of perfectly sound mind, was very frugal. The last several years of his life had two or three nice shirts and one pair of "dress" bib overalls and one pair of nicer slacks (plus one 25 year old suit that he wore to weddings & funerals). When he went to town or to see people he was always clean and wore one of those outfits. Did anyone care that he had wore the same shirt & same pants for the last 40 times that he went to town? Did anyone care that they had seen that red plaid shirt 100s of times before? Heck no.
We had tried to give him new clothes over the years but he said that he "did not need them" and he didn't.
Everyone loved him. When he died, there were so many cars in his funeral procession that they had to call in extra police officers to direct traffic. BTW, he was buried in that 25 year old suit and no cared.
If that is the case with your mother, then perhaps you should simply "refuse to help anymore", "refuse to organize", "refuse to buy more socks and shoes and clothes". What's the absolutely worst that would happen? She would lose everything in her closet and start to look like a bag lady. Big deal.
My dad, of perfectly sound mind, was very frugal. The last several years of his life had two or three nice shirts and one pair of "dress" bib overalls and one pair of nicer slacks (plus one 25 year old suit that he wore to weddings & funerals). When he went to town or to see people he was always clean and wore one of those outfits. Did anyone care that he had wore the same shirt & same pants for the last 40 times that he went to town? Did anyone care that they had seen that red plaid shirt 100s of times before? Heck no.
We had tried to give him new clothes over the years but he said that he "did not need them" and he didn't.
Everyone loved him. When he died, there were so many cars in his funeral procession that they had to call in extra police officers to direct traffic. BTW, he was buried in that 25 year old suit and no cared.
Just let it go.
But, don't buy mom more socks.
LOL the thing is, she got horsey with me yesterday because I said, "Mom, you just bought eight pairs of socks last week." She glared at me and hissed, "You don't know what socks I like."
But I think I am going to have to go over there while she's not there and clear out a lot of stuff from her closet. Not in the hopes of actually organizing it but just to get some stuff OUT. So she can pile more stuff in there.
She's also collecting paper. From anywhere she can. I found a big stack of the daily calendar of events that the staff passes out. They put it out at each door. I'm pretty sure my mom went around getting them off each door. AUGH!
Well, on a more positive note - Mom found her money today! IN HER CLOSET FROM HELL.
It is futile. She really is disorganized and anything you do will not change that. Just make it as easy on you as you can. She can't reason, she can't remember, and she 'has her ways' to start with. So just make it easy and do what you can to minimize the confusion.
1. my mom is very disorganized. I don't think it would be any better in a larger space but it is difficult in a small area as she has now. So we limit her clothes to a week's worth and my sister rotates them with those that are stored at sis' house frequently. We keep minimums in Mom's room for anything really.
Of course my Mom is farther along with dementia than your Mom is but I see the similarity. Mom has always been scattered verbally and to read a letter from her took a code breaker so this is not new, just worse.
I talked to her on the phone last night and Mom couldn't put more than a couple of words together that were coherent and I ran out of safe chat topics. I am still sad.
2. on the money, I see your concern. We gave Mom just a few dollars that could afford to be stolen and she keeps it in her wallet. She has now forgotten what a wallet is, so just hang on and minimize the extra money; the time will come she will have forgotten.
Do you think family is asking her for money? If you think it is staff you might have a talk with them that you are limiting funds for safekeeping reasons but not to say you suspect them, just for her own safekeeping.
"someone" stole my Mom's wedding ring and "no one" can find it. A report was made, but... It was so much a part of her soul that we sisters couldn't bear taking it away from her for safekeeping but we all thought separately to do so and couldn't bring ourselves to take it from her.
3. Lastly, just keep your head down and plow through. You are going through hell now (as is she) but sadly the time will come that none of the things that hurt or frustrate will matter anymore. She will at some time be so far gone that shoes, money, things, will be beyond her.
and while it is quieter that it isn't the phone call emergency of the day, we sisters are sadly just making her comfortable and knowing she isn't there but for brief moments. Maybe we would welcome an occasional emergency but Mom is past that.
Know you took care of a MIL with ALZ and can see the differences between your Mom and MIL's conditions. My Aunt's ALZ, my Dad's Lewi Body Disease (dementia), and Mom's dementia all had different flavors. And dealing with each takes a different toll, I guess
Good luck
You're right - I think I'm just going to go over there and get a bunch of stuff out of the closet. Not clean it up much, or she'll notice I was over there. But I honestly don't think she'll even notice that some things are gone.
I went over there a couple of weeks ago and gathered up about a thousand pieces of paper and just took them out - went through them looking to see if anything important was scrawled on them and not a thing looked important - a few phone numbers but how would she have even found them? I mean, she has piles of paper sitting around.
I'm really sorry about your mom. That's something I noticed about my MIL the last year of her life - things got very streamlined because her need for "stuff" was minimal. It made me sad because like many women, she had always loved pretty things - in her case, she loved nice perfume, nice purses, pretty tops, and delicate gold jewelry (she was very petite and blonde and lovely when she was young). It's sad to see someone's life slowly lose all those things and get down to Depends and wipes and pillowcases.
Buy her a Visa reloadable card that you can register & monitor & reload online. That way if some family member or other person is angling for use or possesion of her debit card, it will be limited to the $100 or whatever is on it.
And if she loses it, no big deal. I'm not certain, but I think Walmart has ones you could order with her name on it, if that would please her.
Regardless, get her some limited plastic & she will feel in charge. And it will head off any outside influencers from taking her down to her bank. You don't want that conflict.
"A positive scan indicates moderate to frequent plaques. This may be found in patients with AD, in patients with other types of cognitive impairment, and in older people with normal cognition."
That kinda covers it all, doesn't it/
Oh no, not at all. If someone is exhibiting signs that MAY be consistent with cognitive impairment a negative scan can rule out Alzheimer's. Period. Or, the scan could also help determine whether the patient has one type of dementia and/or another. The latter is useful since specific drugs are used for certain types of dementia and because other mental disorders frequently coexist with Alzheimer's.
I'm going to clean her closet out ONE last time. I like your idea of the photo so I'll do that and tape it to her closet door.
However, I've organized her closet, kitchen, etc many times over the years really to no avail. She has had a very disorganized mind for as long as I've known her. It's like she thinks organized spaces are "trying to boss her around." I swear that's how it feels. She is so oppositional it's not even funny. My dad used to joke about her seeing an organized drawer and feeling a strange compulsion to mess it up and I think there's a lot of truth to that.
I'm a pretty well organized person - not perfect but I'd say a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1-10. I'm naturally about a 6 but I push myself to be better than I naturally "feel" in that area. She thinks I am absolutely the most organized person in the world, so she has often begged me to help her "get more organized" over the years. Her kitchen was a perfect example of complete lack of organizational skills - NOTHING was conveniently placed. Even to the point of having utensils that you use AT THE STOVE all the way across the room. Knives in various drawers. Tupperware with zero matching tops - or tons of tops with no bottoms. Silverware in a totally inconvenient drawer, away from cups and plates. Towels about as far from the sink as they could be. So she begged me to organize her kitchen. I did so. I showed her where everything was. Instead of being happy about it, after she had asked me to do it, she went off on this whole, "You aren't as smart as you think you are" thing. I'd say, "Look, Mom - I'm not saying I'm smarter than you - I'm just saying it makes more sense to put all your towels here and all your utensils here, and all your knives in one spot. It's more convenient."
It would stay like that for about a month.
Now she can't even bear for things to be in drawers. In a drawer, it may as well be on Mars. And that's the truth.
I just completely organized her closet 6 weeks ago.
It's totally depressing and feels futile.
(armchair QB) You've noted your Mom has been mentally ill for a very long time. One thing I must wonder, given the executive function issues, is, I wonder if she is an Aspie? There must be millions of undiagnosed Aspies for cohorts born prior to the 1960s. No one knew how to diagnose it back then. (/armchair QB)
(armchair QB) You've noted your Mom has been mentally ill for a very long time. One thing I must wonder, given the executive function issues, is, I wonder if she is an Aspie? There must be millions of undiagnosed Aspies for cohorts born prior to the 1960s. No one knew how to diagnose it back then. (/armchair QB)
I don't think so - she is not clumsy, and she lives in a world that is the opposite of ritualistic. She doesn't have an usual sort of communication style - she's not flat or erratic or that sort of thing. But who knows - possibly. I think it's more likely that she's bipolar and narcissistic. But who knows? Possibly. Anyway, I do think that her problems are organic and not just emotionally or character based, though her emotions and character do definitely come into play.
Right - my parents ate well most of their lives. Didn't drink much. Walked at least a mile a day and often 3 or more miles a day. My mom had a stroke at age 65 and now has dementia at age 77 and my dad dropped dead at age 78 of a stroke.
My dad's mind was sharp, but even his doctor said that his brain had started to atrophy and I could see some slipping on his part, especially over the last year of his life.
Pardon my ignorance on the subject but when older people have strokes, are they usually from a blood clot or a brain bleed? Is one kind more prevalent than the other? Does taking a baby aspirin help prevent strokes? Or is only good for heart problems.
Thanks all.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
