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To further the point, what is wrong with having a gay friend anyway? I mean, it's not something I seek out, but if I had zero friends, I really wouldn't care if there person is gay, straight, lesbian, an old person, dog, alien, etc. Even with all the friends I have now I don't care. That's the thing, you might not get super close with a gay friend if you are not comfortable with it, but he might have friends that you will or maybe even take a likening to one of his girl friends. One of my best friends I met through an old friend I hadn't seen in years. I went to her party and I totally clicked with her boyfriend at the time. They are broken up and I don't talk to her really but I am close to him.
Sometimes the people you meet, might not be people you become close with, but the people that they know, you might. Take every opportunity to socialize.
I didn't mean it that way. I meant that it might be interpretted as 'asking them out', rather than wanting to just be friends.
Hello, hello! You are me two years ago. In fact, my very first post to this forum was asking this very question shortly after having moved to Chicago. I couldn't figure out why I still didn't have friends after a few months considering I'm outgoing and young. Like you, my job offered no prospects, which didn’t make things easier.
Now some people say (stupid) stuff like "Oh, in Lakeview (or whatever trendy neighborhood) you're surrounded by people your age!" so friendship should automagically ensue. As if you just go outside and your presence sends the bat signal to people in your age group to approach you on the sidewalk for friendship. No. There needs to be appropriate context for making friends with people. But it's fine and typical to strike up conversation with your coworkers, unless you're robots. It's natural to talk to people in your classes or dorms. So if you don’t have those options, try to emulate that. Join an organization where you'll be around the same people on a recurring basis and/or do something where it's totally okay to just talk to the people around you. Just going out isn’t nearly as effective as being part of an environment where there’s familiarity and/or good reason to just talk to people.
So yes, volunteering will help, or at least it helped me. I also joined a sports league and met some of my best friends through it. Yes, Meetup.com works too, but you're right to find it strange. It is a pretty weird set up, plus most people you'll meet through the site are kind of lame. Let's be honest - their user base primarily consists of people who don't have any friends. But you don't need to be friends with everybody and not every event needs to result in you meeting someone. Worst case scenario is you'll get out of the house and do something fun; best case scenario, you meet a new friend. I went to a few events all with varying success. I ultimately made 3 friends through Meetup, then declared myself done. Just make sure you talk to a lot of people (so bigger events are better) and filter through to find the ones you connect with. And don't feel weird about approaching anyone at a Meetup event. Remember: 98% of the people are there specifically to make new friends.
So do that. It works. It worked for me, and I'm fairly surly! Sorry if the post seems rambly, but I can relate and decided to throw some advice as someone who was exactly where you are two years ago.
For the most part, I have that at the gym. I become familiar with people, chat with them. My problem is spending time together outside the gym. I have no idea how to get to that, and noone has asked me if I want to do anything. My worry is that if I join a sports league, go to meetups, etc... that the same thing will happen, I'll have people to chat with when I'm there, but noone who will want my phone number, to do other activities.
For the most part, I have that at the gym. I become familiar with people, chat with them. My problem is spending time together outside the gym. I have no idea how to get to that, and noone has asked me if I want to do anything.
That's why you ask them. I met one of my good friends from playing basketball at the y. He asked if I wanted to watch the bulls game with him. I know making friends isn't easy, but you have to give yourself a chance. Maybe one of these guys wants to hang out but thinks you don't want to.
A lot of people (including me) aren't interested in making friends at the gym, so you're less likely there to progress beyond small talk. A lot of people are there to work out, and they'll talk to you if you're friendly, but once they're done working out, your conversation is up. People join Meetup specifically to make friends. When I joined my sports league, something like 80% of the people said they signed up to meet new people. That is a very different environment than trying to turn people at the gym into your friends. Instead of worrying about whether a new approach will work, why not try it? What you're doing now isn't working, so try something else. Going some place where a lot of people are up for meeting new people works. I'm not just making up advice or parroting stuff that I Googled. This is what I, Lorielicious, did two years ago and made a bunch of friends.
That's why you ask them. I met one of my good friends from playing basketball at the y. He asked if I wanted to watch the bulls game with him. I know making friends isn't easy, but you have to give yourself a chance. Maybe one of these guys wants to hang out but thinks you don't want to.
And then if they think you asking them to hangout make them think you are gay who cares? Cause you say you are not and if that person does decide to hangout with you they will learn that you are not then totally fine.
People in Chicago are very friendly and very open and if anything you will find it is rare to get rejected here when asking someone you have an aquantance with to hangout (at least when you ask face to face).
I feel very apprehensive about a lot of these ideas because it's hard for me to believe that people will show interest in me. Like I said, I've been here 9 months and have barely had my existence acknowledged, barely a smile back, and I'm supposed to believe a bar is some magic zone where this will magically happen? or joining a sports team?
Quote:
Originally Posted by envieng
For the most part, I have that at the gym. I become familiar with people, chat with them. My problem is spending time together outside the gym. I have no idea how to get to that, and noone has asked me if I want to do anything. My worry is that if I join a sports league, go to meetups, etc... that the same thing will happen, I'll have people to chat with when I'm there, but noone who will want my phone number, to do other activities.
In a previous response, I ended with something along the lines of "The best way to make friends is to become someone people want to be friends with."
Well, guess what, it sounds like you're expecting other people to do the inviting, expecting them to do the legwork of having ideas of things to do together. That expectation is irrational and doomed to failure because people aren't looking for friends they have to drag to places, they're looking for other people who like to do things and are capable of taking the initiative to make those things happen. If you're the new guy, you have to take the initiative because the locals probably already have friends, so thy aren't actively recruiting new ones - you are.
I'm really not trying to be harsh, but you come across as having entirely unrealistic expectations about how finding friends works in the adult world. That's natural - it's a hard transition to make from the easy friendships of childhood and school years to the deeper but harder friendships of adulthood. And that transition only works if you understand that there's a fair bit of work involved, at least to get the ball rolling. Once you ahve a few friends, it gets a lot easier to expand your circles, but starting off you have to invite people to become your friend, and not expect them to invite you.
If you started a new job, would you just wait for the job to give you plum assignments, or would you work hard to show you can handle the work and pitch ideas for improvements as a way to earn those plum assignments? Friendship isn't always about proving yourself - of course it isn't - but as an adult, you do have to give people a reason to extend friendship to you. Very few great things are easy, including great friendships. Simply smiling at people and making small talk isn't enough. To get the best results when trying to recruit friends, you have to go the extra step and actually invite them to do something. Waiting for other people to invite you is the opposite of choosing your friends, and gives you no control over your own life. If you want friends, you need to take the initiative and invite people you want as friends to do things. It's not dating, but it's not entirely different from dating, either - if you want something, you have to act to make it happen.
A lot of people (including me) aren't interested in making friends at the gym, so you're less likely there to progress beyond small talk. A lot of people are there to work out, and they'll talk to you if you're friendly, but once they're done working out, your conversation is up. People join Meetup specifically to make friends. When I joined my sports league, something like 80% of the people said they signed up to meet new people. That is a very different environment than trying to turn people at the gym into your friends. Instead of worrying about whether a new approach will work, why not try it? What you're doing now isn't working, so try something else. Going some place where a lot of people are up for meeting new people works. I'm not just making up advice or parroting stuff that I Googled. This is what I, Lorielicious, did two years ago and made a bunch of friends.
I disagree though. If you click with someone at the gym and see them on a regular basis why can't you be friends. Yes, most people don't go to the gym to make friends with people, but if you have an aquaintence there, why can't they become friends? I mean if you click with the person and get along, what are you supposed to say "Sorry we can not be friends outside of the gym"? Sounds kind of dumb to me.
I didn't have a problen meeting people. I'm somewhat over the top with my friendliness. Social media is another option. Most people I've met are transplants over 35 from outside the Midwest. When I lived in Lakeview I didn't socialize or connect very well with that neighborhood so you may have to go outside of the neighborhood.
In a previous response, I ended with something along the lines of "The best way to make friends is to become someone people want to be friends with."
Well, guess what, it sounds like you're expecting other people to do the inviting, expecting them to do the legwork of having ideas of things to do together. That expectation is irrational and doomed to failure because people aren't looking for friends they have to drag to places, they're looking for other people who like to do things and are capable of taking the initiative to make those things happen. If you're the new guy, you have to take the initiative because the locals probably already have friends, so thy aren't actively recruiting new ones - you are.
If you started a new job, would you just wait for the job to give you plum assignments, or would you work hard to show you can handle the work and pitch ideas for improvements as a way to earn those plum assignments? Friendship isn't always about proving yourself - of course it isn't - but as an adult, you do have to give people a reason to extend friendship to you. Very few great things are easy, including great friendships. Simply smiling at people and making small talk isn't enough. To get the best results when trying to recruit friends, you have to go the extra step and actually invite them to do something. Waiting for other people to invite you is the opposite of choosing your friends, and gives you no control over your own life. If you want friends, you need to take the initiative and invite people you want as friends to do things. It's not dating, but it's not entirely different from dating, either - if you want something, you have to act to make it happen.
Couldn't agree more. I am a native Chicagoan so I have tons of friends from here. I am always open to making new friends, however I am not SEEKING to make new friends which is a big difference. I feel that most people here are like that. If I meet you and you are cool and ask to hangout, then sure, why not? But again because I am not seeking the friendship, I am not going to take the initiative because I have plenty of friends here.
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