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It all starts the moment you say "I do"..................
If by "starts" you mean learning how to be married, you're right. There is nothing that happens prior to being in a marriage that actually prepares you for being in one. You don't understand the myriad challenges and sacrifices that go into making it work. But boy, if you do, it's one helluva ride.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive
first ten is childs play
after that???
swirlin down the bowl
That just conveys that one or both spouses grew lazy. Marriage is hard work, it just is. Once one or both of you stop working at it it's doomed. And there's nothing easy about the first ten years. Maybe the first one or two but after that, with children and a mortgage it becomes extremely challenging.
... I guess some people cant stand being alone or not having a partner?
no kids to worry about either
Some of us would very much prefer to have a lifelong partner, but have zero interest in parenthood. I am one such case. In hindsight, child-free marriages are especially unstable, because they don't FEEL like marriages. They can still work, if both spouses have rewarding careers, through which they derive fulfillment. But if they don't, the marriage is at risk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga
... She just smiled and said, "Because, every time I look at this ring, it's a reminder that it was all your dad had in the world at the time, and yet, he gave it to me. ... I'm never giving this ring up."
Maybe there is hope for humanity, after all?
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Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks
...Men need to give more than a paycheck to keep the marriage alive. Women need to as well, but often they give more via childcare, housework, talking about any issues, etc.
This is true, but I've seen marriages collapse according to the above-mentioned dynamic, where there were no children, where both spouses worked full-time, where the domestic chores were split between the two partners or were done by hired-help. The marriage collapsed because the wife just didn't feel "married"... it felt more like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship than a "real family". And if it wasn't a real family, why stay?
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
In many cases she tried to talk things through and he blew her off. So she mentally checked out, and he thought that everything was fine because she stopped trying to talk to him about it. Then when papers were presented, he was shocked (shocked!)
I think that the question is whether the husband was fundamentally failing as a husband, or if the wife "mentally checked out" because she wasn't feeling emotional fulfillment in the marriage. If the husband completely ignores his wife, spending his time drinking and golfing, it's eminently reasonable that the wife will feel neglected, while the husband would be oblivious to there being any problem. There are however cases where objectively it's difficult to fault the husband, yet in the wife's eyes, he's very much at fault. She then "checks out", he notices nothing, and then comes catastrophe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
I do think the reason that happens is that the women often are the first ones to see that it's not working out, while the men often think everything's OK until they are whacked upside the head with it. .... There's no real evidence that she has another man or anything, but she has been distancing herself from her husband for a while now.
..."You're divorcing because you don't want to be married anymore. Don't make up stuff to justify it."
This is an important observation. Sometimes, the wife simply doesn't wish to any longer be married. Her life, in her estimation, is humdrum and uninspiring. She's blaming the marriage (and not necessarily even her husband!) on her predicament. It's not that she's grown tired of him, of felt that he's neglecting her. Rather, she's weary of the abstract notion of being a wife. She wants to be single again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr
In almost every case of divorce I've seen, it generally boils down to a cheating spouse (never got enough play time in with other people before marriage) or financial (don't have enough money to support a wife who wants to be a SAHM, or one person loses their job and the other resents being the sole breadwinner, etc.)
If people can avoid those two things, they have a good chance of staying together.
That does stand to reason, but exceptions abound. In my case, it was the question of kids. My ex and I were both child-free... while dating, and for years into the marriage. Well, after 8 years of marriage, she decided that she wanted a child, after all. That precipitated divorce. Today she's remarried, with a toddler, and she reports being "happy" as a stay-at-home-mom.
I know someone it happened to. She wanted most of their cash, her cash. A fair amount it was from a settlement she'd received after a serious accident--$660,000. She gave him half and told him to save and invest it because she didn't know anything about those things. When she'd spent her share--and it didn't take long--she wanted the rest of it. When he said he wasn't going to do it, she threatened him with a gun. He tried to discuss their daughter's college education and the emergency fund with her, but she didn't want to hear it. Well, duh. She called 911, sounded hysterical on the phone and told them he was trying to kill her. While she was waiting for the police to arrive, she cut herself. About 6 LEOs came in with guns drawn. That took a lawyer and a while to work through.
So bizarre to read that. My ex said that CONSTANTLY when he was out with people. "I treat people the way I want to be treated." Really? Then people should get drunk around him all the time, take his money, punch him in the head, call him names, mooch off of him instead of contributing to costs of living...but only after a period of being attentive and telling him that they love him as a setup.
I'm sure most people say that with better intent, but I have a cynical reaction to that phrase!
It's not always about boredom and complacency, is it?
So frequently wives tell their husbands about problems they want to address in the marriage, and the husband tunes it out for YEARS and then claims to be blindsided. I have heard that story time and time again. The men in this article are classic examples.
When you get married, you do it with the hope of it lasting.
I don't know if ours will last though we get along great, but time will tell.
We have only been married for 63 years, so we have time to find out.
ROFL! This reminds me of something my grandfather-in-law said, at a celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary. Keep in mind that the marriage started off with doubters -- he was 40, she was 18. At the 50th celebration dinner, my FIL made a toast, starting with "Fifty years ago, they said it wouldn't last . . ." Grandfather-in-law drawled, "It still might not." Forget the rest of the toast -- who could have heard it through the laughter?
Awesome! We just celebrated our 5 years and couldn't be happier. We are not just married but best friends. Our first year was tough. Learning to live together, share finances and begin really understanding and communicating well. It took time, but things worked out well and we have been going strong since. I cannot remember our last argument..
It's not always about boredom and complacency, is it?
Hahaha no, not at all. When I got rid of him I got rid of a lot of drama in my life.
I do know people who are happily married and made it work, so even though it didn't work that way for me, I am not down on all marriage just because mine was a horror. I envy them and always will, but I am happy for such people.
So frequently wives tell their husbands about problems they want to address in the marriage, and the husband tunes it out for YEARS and then claims to be blindsided. I have heard that story time and time again. The men in this article are classic examples.
Yes, it's very common. Eventually the wife gives up trying and the husband feels relieved that she has stopped "nagging" when in fact her silence should set off alarm bells. She has begun the process of leaving, if only emotionally at this point. He may claim to be shocked later, but he just wasn't paying attention.
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