I am the worst cook on the planet (ingredients, gas grill, frozen)

[totallyfrazzled]

Okay, confession time: I am probably the worst cook on the planet. You know how they say people who can grow plants have a "green thumb", and those who practically shrivel plants by looking crossways at them, have a "black thumb"? Well, I have the culinary equivalent of a black thumb. I suppose that's a black spoon? Or a Spoon of Death, or whatever.

Seriously. When it comes to cooking I am pathetic (which is nothing new; I'm 60, not some kid messing around in the kitchen).

I can follow a recipe exactly... meticulously... to the letter, and 95% of the time the results can be charitably described in 3- or 4-letter words such as "ugh", "ick", or "yuck".

It's not like I'm cooking with stone knives over a campfire either. Good reliable accurate appliances. I can't even blame my failures on the equipment!

Here is a list of what I can reliably count on to turn out perfectly every time:

Steamed fresh vegetables (plain)
Roast chicken
Vegetables cut up, tossed with olive oil/salt/pepper/spices, and roasted
Chili
Homemade hummus
Ratatouille
Pasta
Rice (but only since I invested in a Zojirushi rice cooker; the less said about rice before that, the better)

We no longer eat red meat, and don't eat fish, so at least I don't need to worry about destroying expensive proteins anymore.

Anything baked (cookies, cake, pie) is always a tossup. Kind of like the lottery when you have the machine pick your numbers for you. My success rate hovers at about 40%. I feel like my oven is always saying "Ya feelin' lucky today, lady? Well, are ya? Go ahead... make my day."

What prompted this confession to the world today is that yesterday I tried to make bread. Simple white bread, from scratch, because I was curious as to how different it would be from the loaf that my Just For Dinner Breadmaker produces. And after all, there are only FOUR ingredients, right? Flour, salt, yeast, and water. Simple directions. Idiot-proof if followed exactly. Right?

Wrong. What eventually came out of my oven had a bricklike exterior and an interior that could probably be used as packing material. The birds at my feeder would even have turned up their beaks at it.

Clearly, when the Culinary Genes were distributed I was off somewhere digging in the dirt (yes I'm good with plants, although, not surprisingly, not with edibles; for instance, my experiment with "super sweet" carrots resembled orange-painted dowels in both appearance and taste).

Just wondering if anyone else is or has been remotely as pitiful in the kitchen as I am?

[7G9C4J2]

You know, I suspect that the real reason you struggle in the kitchen is that you haven't got someone to watch and model from. I know from bitter, bitter experience that recipes do NOT necessarily include everything you need to know, and that a great many of them assume knowledge on the part of the cook that is by no means universal.

Your experience with baking bread is a case in point. Yes, bread seems like it should be pretty easy and straightforward, given that short list of ingredients. In reality, the art and craft of bread baking is much, much more than a list of ingredients; it is as much about knowing how the dough feels when it has been kneaded enough as it is about adding ingredients.

Both of our kids (in their mid-20's) are well on their way to being exceptionally good cooks, and in both cases, the fundamental reason for their expertise and comfort in the kitchen is that they watched and worked with their dad in the kitchen for decades. Standing beside someone when they make a roux, watching as they stir it around, noticing the exact color of brown that the flour has reached when the liquid is added, is something that simply cannot be conveyed in a recipe or a cookbook.

Before you give up on yourself, I'd encourage you to find a friend or family member who you consider a really gifted cook, and ask that person to let you spend some time with them in their kitchen. You will be simply amazed at the wealth of knowledge you'll gain, and it will have an astounding impact on your own proficiency as a cook.

And coming here to share your questions, quandaries and puzzlements will help as well. We may not be able to give you a way to feel the way bread dough handles when it's kneaded enough, but we've got a lot of really exceptionally good cooks here, who are both very encouraging and very willing to share their expertise.

Good luck, and don't give up!

[totallyfrazzled]

Originally Posted by MidwesternBookWorm

You know, I suspect that the real reason you struggle in the kitchen is that you haven't got someone to watch and model from.

That's a good point. My mother was never "into" cooking, undoubtedly because I had a ton of allergies as a child which turned food into a chore for her and not enjoyable at all for me. I was allergic to milk, eggs, wheat, pork, citrus, and chocolate. By the time I outgrew them I was in my teens and had all those years of dietary restrictions. (However it did save me from ingesting a ton of unhealthy fattening foods all through the 1950s!)

My ex-husband was a meat-and-potatoes man who despised anything "fancy" (any sauce except canned Ragu over spaghetti was defined as "fancy"). As a result, meals were either nuked frozen foods, packaged something or other, or something red thrown onto the gas grill and charred until it was definitely dead. Nothing to generate any enthusiasm for cooking on my part there.

When I became single again (in my 40s) my time was so taken up with working and gardening that I didn't have much time to putter around in the kitchen; when I did, the results were almost always so discouraging that I wished I'd never tried.

Now I have other, different, dietary restrictions again which ironically do work with the extremely simple things that I am able to successfully cook (luckily my SO also eats the same way I do, so no conflict there; though he has almost zero interest in food in general... the epitome of eating to live, not living to eat). I don't know anyone who is a good cook who also cooks the way we now have to eat, though. Actually, on reflection I don't know if I do know anyone who I'd say is a "gifted" cook from whom I could learn. It wouldn't make much sense for me to (for instance) learn how to make a perfect omelet, because I'd never make one at home (we have to avoid egg yolks).

Ah, omelets.... I'd forgotten trying to teach myself to make those. Any Frenchman would have been so horrified at the results, he'd have bundled me straight off to the guillotine!

[LaceyEx]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have no expertise-i.e. a good teacher; had a disinterested husband; single parent stress; dietary; and another food disinterested SO.

I grew up with a mother who was, still is, a terrible and bland cook. I excelled because I was curious and watched friends Moms-thank the Lord for them and took over the kitchen at 13.

Part of being a good cook is enjoying food therefore you enjoy the process.

[Bella52]

Don't give up. Not everyone is a great cook but at least you try. I've had friends that started watching the food channel and now their food is good enough to eat
They just needed visual to follow and it worked. I come from a long line of excellent cooks so I guess I'm blessed with that.
I'm sure we'll be trying some of your excellent recipes soon

[nomoresnow]

Originally Posted by LaceyEx

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have no expertise-i.e. a good teacher; had a disinterested husband; single parent stress; dietary; and another food disinterested SO.

I grew up with a mother who was, still is, a terrible and bland cook. I excelled because I was curious and watched friends Moms-thank the Lord for them and took over the kitchen at 13.

Part of being a good cook is enjoying food therefore you enjoy the process.

Lacey, I swear we were separated at birth!

Originally Posted by Bella52

Don't give up. Not everyone is a great cook but at least you try. I've had friends that started watching the food channel and now their food is good enough to eat
They just needed visual to follow and it worked. I come from a long line of excellent cooks so I guess I'm blessed with that.
I'm sure we'll be trying some of your excellent recipes soon

Great suggestion, Bella.

Don't give up, frazzled. Cooking can be fun. Just hang around us for a while and you'll probably pick up some pointers! Best of luck.

[Summerz]

I'm ok at these....

> >
> > Ingredients
> >
> > * 1 cup water
> > * 1 teaspoon baking soda
> > * 1 cup sugar
> > * 1 teaspoon salt
> > * 1 cup brown sugar
> > * 1 cup lemon juice
> > * 4 large eggs
> > * 1 cup nuts
> > * 2 cups dried fruit
> > * 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
> >
> > Serves / Yields
> >
> > One
> >
> > Preparation Instructions
> >
> > Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Cuervo
> > again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
> > drink.
> >
> > Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
> > bowl.
> >
> > Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
> > sure the Cuervo is still OK; try another cup ...just in case.
> >
> > Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
> > in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on
> > the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
> > loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
> >
> > Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
> > the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
> > table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
> > the oven.
> >
> > Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
> > beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
> > the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


==============
Seriously, I'm pretty pityfull cook myself.
Baked a Betty Crocker box mix cake tday and was sure I would goof that up lol!
I try not to stress over it and enjoy take-out from time to time.
And once in awhile adding your own stuff to a recipe can really be quite a pleasant surprise.
And sometimes not butwewon'ttalkabouthat..

[LaceyEx]

I have a son and a daughter. Our son watched and enjoyed and is an excellent cook. My daughter is the Olympic champ of speed dial.

[Bella52]

Originally Posted by Summerz

I'm ok at these....

> >
> > Ingredients
> >
> > * 1 cup water
> > * 1 teaspoon baking soda
> > * 1 cup sugar
> > * 1 teaspoon salt
> > * 1 cup brown sugar
> > * 1 cup lemon juice
> > * 4 large eggs
> > * 1 cup nuts
> > * 2 cups dried fruit
> > * 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
> >
> > Serves / Yields
> >
> > One
> >
> > Preparation Instructions
> >
> > Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Cuervo
> > again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
> > drink.
> >
> > Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
> > bowl.
> >
> > Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
> > sure the Cuervo is still OK; try another cup ...just in case.
> >
> > Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
> > in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on
> > the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it
> > loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
> >
> > Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
> > the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
> > table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
> > the oven.
> >
> > Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
> > beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
> > the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


==============
Seriously, I'm pretty pityfull cook myself.
Baked a Betty Crocker box mix cake tday and was sure I would goof that up lol!
I try not to stress over it and enjoy take-out from time to time.
And once in awhile adding your own stuff to a recipe can really be quite a pleasant surprise.
And sometimes not butwewon'ttalkabouthat..

At least your good at something...........love it

[plaidmom]

I am the worst cook on the planet

OMG I sooooo see a Food Network show title here!!!

Who does ~not~ struggle in the kitchen? It is the human condition.

Seriously, your list of successes is pretty great. Perhaps you just need some fine-tuning?

I really really like the science/chemistry behind America's Test Kitchen (Cooks Illustrated etc). Just google them.

Good luck, relax and most of all, have fun in the kitchen.