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The inlaws used to come up here often until my father in law got sick. The unwelcome behavior began WELL before that though. They really want to see the boys at Christmas, but can't make the trip up here, so I'm sucking it up and being accommodating. We are leaving after the actual holiday, so we will enjoy Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as a family in our own home. As for timing, my husband and I don't have "typical" jobs with weekends off. I managed to get the week after Christmas off and the boys won't have school, so it makes the most sense. My husband should be able to meet us on the last day or two and do the drive home with us...I'm just on my own for the first two days.
When they would come up here, they stayed in a hotel. We have a guest room, but they are opposed to sharing a bathroom with the boys. We have them over for most meals, and usually go out for one dinner.
They are not hoarders and their house is very clean...no housekeeping issues.
Has it been a few years since you have been inside the house, or just a few months since your last visit?
The reason that I asked is that something like "not being able to keep up with housekeeping" can come up fairly quickly if someone is elderly or has health problems.
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
However, there are some homes that are extremely difficult to "child proof". Do your in-laws have fragile, antique furniture? Or glass topped coffee tables and end tables? Or shelf after shelf after shelf of breakable items? Or white couches and white carpeting? Or something similar? Or, maybe they have not been able to keep up with their housekeeping and are embarrassed about the mess and clutter?
I know that some people (once their own children are grown and leave home) turn their home into a show piece. Is that the case with your in-laws?
I knew someone who bought white couches and white carpet and expensive glass/? sculptures. They did not even like their teenage daughter going into that living room (it was strictly adults only).
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Originally Posted by rizzo0904
I understand the hotel portion...it's intrusive to have four extra people in your home. I just find it odd they won't even invite us over for a meal.
Did they used to invite you over for meals? If so, when did it stop (a few months ago, a few years ago, when you had a second child)?
Do they invite their son over and not you and the kids? Has he seen the inside of the house recently?
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Originally Posted by rizzo0904
As for inside...I have no idea what their furniture looks like. They purchased all new items since the last time we visited. There are a lot of knick knacks, but a cartoon on tv or a family board game or the ipad will keep the boys entertained.
Has your husband, their son, talked to them and explained that the boys are old enough to not break things and be entertained by board games, a TV show or an iPad so the adults can spend some quality time together? Has your husband actually asked them why they are not inviting your family into their home any more?
I still think that there may be "more to the story". I don't know what it is but perhaps your husband can figure it out.
Are his parents older? Are they still working? I know that some older adults who are still working fulltime can be pretty exhausted. It may be hard for them to do anything in addition to their jobs (such as make meals for four extra people). But, your husband could explain that the two of you could help with the meals and clean-up.
Is it possible that his parents have developed some type of health problems and that is why they are limiting contact with you so that you won't find out?
How old are your children? Some older people don't relate as well to babies or very young children as they used to. Depending on how old your husband and any siblings are, it may have been 30 or 35 years since his parents dealt with babies/toddlers/preschoolers.
There could be any number of reasons that they don't invite you into their home (maybe valid and maybe not so valid).
Maybe they think that you may prefer going to city to a Children's Museum than just going to their house. Have you told them?
Heck, maybe they don't like kids anymore. I know a couple who raised four children but once they left the nest they rarely saw their children and grandchildren. They only lived two hours away from all four children and their six grandchildren but would only see them about once a year (and only then if the adult child insisted, drove to see them and paid for everything). The couple traveled and just "did not want to be bothered by" or "be around kids anymore." (BTW, the adult children felt quite hurt).
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-08-2014 at 06:06 PM..
My husband visits 2-3 times per month...he's often nearby due to his job. I haven't been there for about three years...neither have the kids. We used to stay at their home. They even bought a crib which was converted into a bed for the kids. (Note: I actually prefer staying in the hotel, it's easier)
They both work part time.
Illness: He is ill, and I understand that contributes to us staying in a hotel, but it still doesn't make sense for a quick lunch or just to spend some time together.
My husband didn't realize that we hadn't been invited over until I mentioned it last week. I had been wondering why for a while but never asked. It came up (she began the conversation) a few weeks ago when we were speaking on the phone. She said she doesn't want anything to get broken.
She always wanted to be a grandmother, but not really a hands on one. I think she enjoys talking to her friends about the kids and participating in the my grandkid this, my grandkid that conversations. She doesn't like to get dirty, paint, play with messy things. She doesn't like to be outdoors. She wants kids who can sit thru a play or go to an art museum. Maybe in a few years, but right now they want to explore nature and play with trucks. She also announced she thinks our 6 year old is autistic, but that's a whole other story. He was a late talker due to an undiagnosed hearing loss. Once we got him into speech therapy and fixed the pressure issue in his ears, he's been great. (I'm not an in denial parent, he's had speech and occupational therapists due to his hearing problems)
My husband visits 2-3 times per month...he's often nearby due to his job. I haven't been there for about three years...neither have the kids. We used to stay at their home. They even bought a crib which was converted into a bed for the kids. (Note: I actually prefer staying in the hotel, it's easier)
My husband didn't realize that we hadn't been invited over until I mentioned it last week. I had been wondering why for a while but never asked. It came up (she began the conversation) a few weeks ago when we were speaking on the phone. She said she doesn't want anything to get broken.
So your husband visits 2-3 times a month. Does he visit them in their home or at a restaurant?
If your children are 4 and 6 and they have not visited in three years then his parents may be remembering their behavior as a young toddler and a three year old. I have seen child proofed houses be almost demolished by children that age (I'm exaggerating, but not by much).
Heck, a friend forget to re latch the child proof toilet seat at his own house and his one year threw a smart phone inside (and it got stuck inside the plumbing). It was a few hundred dollars to replace the phone plus a another few hundred dollars to replace the toilet. And this was in a home that was totally, completely child proofed.
I have seen child proofed houses be almost demolished by children that age (I'm exaggerating, but not by much).
Ha! That made me chuckle. I never baby proofed here. My older one would figure out all the latches and knobs within five minutes of me putting one on. I just gave up.
As for my husband, he goes to their home. He went last week to put up Christmas lights and have lunch. So he's been inside, knows nothing is wrong with the home, etc.
Oh well, I'm just going to chalk it up to everyone being different. We will visit a handful of times per year when we can and just make the best of it. It's just all really odd to me.
Ha! That made me chuckle. I never baby proofed here. My older one would figure out all the latches and knobs within five minutes of me putting one on. I just gave up.
As for my husband, he goes to their home. He went last week to put up Christmas lights and have lunch. So he's been inside, knows nothing is wrong with the home, etc.
Oh well, I'm just going to chalk it up to everyone being different. We will visit a handful of times per year when we can and just make the best of it. It's just all really odd to me.
Why not wait until your husband is available to go with you instead of spending a couple days alone in a hotel with the children?
Is there any real reason for you to put yourself through all of this when the Grandmother is not welcoming at all?
The $1000.00 you are going to spend on a hotel is enough to pay our electric bill for at least 6 months, or a few months worth of groceries, or one year plus a bit more worth of internet, etc.
Definitely worth more to me than a woman who will not allow my children into her home even though they are her grandchildren.
I would still tell them that the road goes both ways and stay home, it seems even when the Grandfather's health was fine they did not make any effort to spend time with the children.
My husband and I have jobs that require long and varied hours. This really is the only time we can go until April.
The $1000 factors in $110 per night for the hotel, a tank of gas each way, tolls, and lunch/dinner out each day. Plus activities.
When he was healthy, they would come up every two to three months. We took a trip to Disney together as well, but never saw them. They stayed at a different resort and went to different parks from us each day. It was weird. It's like they used the kids as an excuse to visit Disney but wanted their own vacation. I think we met up for dinner twice.
The $1000 factors in $110 per night for the hotel, a tank of gas each way, tolls, and lunch/dinner out each day. Plus activities.
.
Are there any cheaper hotels?
Or, maybe you can invite his parents over to eat sandwiches in your hotel room with you and the kids for a few meals to save money (perhaps they will get the hint and invite you over to their house).
Or maybe stay at an AirBnB? Some places will let you cook there. You can easily save a lot of money not having to eat all of your meals out.
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Originally Posted by rizzo0904
When he was healthy, they would come up every two to three months. We took a trip to Disney together aswell, but never saw them. They stayed at a different resort and went to different parks from us each day. It was weird. It's like they used the kids as an excuse to visit Disney but wanted their own vacation. I think we met up for dinner twice.
That is weird. Very weird.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
Why not wait until your husband is available to go with you instead of spending a couple days alone in a hotel with the children? Is there any real reason for you to put yourself through all of this when the Grandmother is not welcoming at all?
The $1000.00 you are going to spend on a hotel is enough to pay our electric bill for at least 6 months, or a few months worth of groceries, or one year plus a bit more worth of internet, etc.
Definitely worth more to me than a woman who will not allow my children into her home even though they are her grandchildren.
I would still tell them that the road goes both ways and stay home, it seems even when the Grandfather's health was fine they did not make any effort to spend time with the children.
Maybe you should just Skype for Christmas and visit in April.
My inlaws live a few states away. When we visit we stay in a hotel, which is fine. But I found it odd we were never invited over. I haven't been in their home for at least three years. Mother in law finally admitted it's because she has too many sentimental items and she's afraid they will get broken. I will admit, my older son did break a plate during one visit years ago when he was about 2 years old. Thankfully it was just a generic dinner plate and nothing "special". In the meantime, the boys been able to live in our home and visit my parents without breaking any Waterford or Belleek. I find the whole thing odd.
We are going to visit again in three weeks and we are once again staying in a hotel and having to eat all meals out at restaurants or as take out at the hotel. Does anyone else have this kind of arrangements with their grandkids? My parents have us over often and the boys are never an issue.
Why are you even going? It sounds like these grandparents don't care...why waste your money? Take a trip you and your kids can enjoy.
I think some people are just like that. My paternal grandparents kept the living room completely off limits to non-adults, everything was covered in plastic too. Lots of marble and antique mahogany furniture, little knick-knacks everywhere, etc. As kids we were restricted to the kitchen, basement and backyard and generally meant to observe the old 'children are to be seen and not heard' rule. I still think of it as odd, considering between them my grandparents raised seven children. Who knows, maybe after raising that many kids they just wanted to escape kids as much as possible...
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