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My children (2 & autistic 4 yo) are not welcome at MILs for reasons of touching glass trinkets, shutting doors too loud, and bouncing around. She last saw them December 2013 and we since moved 4 hour flight away. All she did was yell at them so it is no loss.
She hated kids anyways. My H was an only child who was raised by a nanny and then she left when he was 10, he was raised by his father. I love my H but she was one of those who obviously shouldn't have had a kid... Oh well.
this is an older thread, but sounds like grandma has an anxiety disorder. She is WAY too anxious about the boys being in her house. If they come over when it's nice out and she gets them some outside toys... it should be fine.
Unless your children have some disorder that makes them out of the spectrum of normal unruly behavior. Hyperactive or violent.... I could see being afraid to deal with that.
I would not accommodate that behavior AT ALL. Nor waste the money on his parents, he should be taking the trip. Don't feel guilty.
My grandmother had a similar anxiety disorder, we rarely visited her because she was also agoraphobic and did not like to leave her house. kind sweet woman... Her loss
However, there are some homes that are extremely difficult to "child proof". Do your in-laws have fragile, antique furniture? Or glass topped coffee tables and end tables? Or shelf after shelf after shelf of breakable items? Or white couches and white carpeting? Or something similar? Or, maybe they have not been able to keep up with their housekeeping and are embarrassed about the mess and clutter?
I know that some people (once their own children are grown and leave home) turn their home into a show piece. Is that the case with your in-laws?
It is also possible that the "generic" dinner wear that your two year old broke was really not that generic and they did not tell you or they thought that you did not take it seriously. And why was a two year old eating off of something breakable? If your in-laws did not have plastic, child plates and cups you should have brought some along or purchased a set and left it at their house.
Perhaps, your husband, their son, could discuss it with them. Perhaps there is "more to the story", such as health or mobility problems that they do not want to share with you. Or, maybe your children are more active than you think that they are? Or, maybe they are hoarders? Or, maybe something else.
Are there other grandchildren that do visit their house?
What a thoughtful post and struck several nerves about situations in our family.
Just got back. They actually invited us over for dinner one night. We spent two hours there. There was a lot of "dont touch that", but it wasn't bad. And apparently nothing is allowed to touch the kitchen table so we had to make sue the boys placed everything on various placemats.
We spent three days with them but there wasn't much interaction. They requested we visit the children's museum but then just sat on a bench and didn't interact or play with the kids at all.
Just got back. They actually invited us over for dinner one night. We spent two hours there. There was a lot of "dont touch that", but it wasn't bad. And apparently nothing is allowed to touch the kitchen table so we had to make sue the boys placed everything on various placemats.
We spent three days with them but there wasn't much interaction. They requested we visit the children's museum but then just sat on a bench and didn't interact or play with the kids at all.
Thank you for the update. I am glad that you were invited to their home. Different families have different rules. For example, I have had a number of friends who absolutely do not allow shoes to worn in their homes, ever. I personally think that is odd (after all you can always wash a floor or clean a carpet) but it is their house and their rules. Your in-laws rule about nothing on the kitchen table is odd (especially, if they don't use a table pad or a table cloth) but it certainly is not a deal breaker.
It is sad that they did not interact with your children very much but perhaps they were waiting for some guidance or input from you or their son. Perhaps next time you are at the children's museum you could try saying things like "Mom, why don't you pretend to be a customer in the grocery store and Johnny can sell you some fruit" or "Jimmy loves these big blocks. Can you help him build something?".
At home you could just hand a book to MIL and say "This is Jerry's favorite book. I know that he would really enjoy it if you read it to him." Encourage your husband to encourage his parents in specific things to do with their grandchildren
Look at it this way, it has been 20 or 30 years since your husband's parents have been around young children and they have not had a lot of recent practice. Playing with young children probably just does not come naturally to them. Put yourself in their shoes think of an activity that you have not done in decades, it may take a little bit a practice for it to become easy and natural again.
Again, thanks for the update. Now, that your in-laws have seen that their grandchildren are a little older it may be easier for your in-laws to spend more time with them during your next vacation.
The play thing comes down to one thing...getting dirty. My mother in law is always in a suit with hair and makeup done. She does not get dirty...no water play, no painting, etc
The play thing comes down to one thing...getting dirty. My mother in law is always in a suit with hair and makeup done. She does not get dirty...no water play, no painting, etc
When your husband was young did his mother play with him? Or was she always in a suit with hair and makeup perfect? If the answers are "No and Yes", I can see why you may be disappointed but why expect her to change now?
BTW, I know plenty of parents who do not do any painting, any Play Dough, any water play, any running through sprinklers and absolutely no "making mud pies" and still are wonderful loving parents. I used to teach young children and IMHO most parents do not have paints or messy art supplies at their homes. Your children are lucky to have parents that "get down and dirty" while playing with their children but frankly most parents/grandparents do not do that. I agree that things like finger painting, playing in sand boxes, running in rain/grass/mud and drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk is great but there are other ways to play together and still be a loving parent/grandparent.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-04-2015 at 03:49 PM..
My MIL is like this. Doesn't like to get dirty, only interested in taking the grandchildren to plays, the movies and museums. My husband said she was fairly cold when he was growing up. She is very particular about her home as well but she has a finished basement that hasn't been updated in over 30 yrs which I think is on purpose. Not much can be harmed and that is where she has everyone gather. She has one side of the basement set up with a few kid tables and toys. The upstairs is pretty much off limits until the grandkids get older but it is never really said. She just has everyone head into the basement so the kids can roam worry free. Too bad your in-laws don't have an area that is basically child proof. You are kind for going, sounds like a hassle.
Just wanted to add that I adore having my grands visit. We do a small amount of babysitting, and we usually see the kids at least once a week. We do not have the issue of lengthy visits as we now live in the same area. But having my grands come happily to our door and yell "Grandpa!" just makes my day.
How I size up the OP's MIL is that she wants her house her way more than she wants contact with the grandkids. And the fact that she is never untidy or dirty indicates to me that she is inflexible in her wants. Its too bad for everyone, of course. She is the biggest loser though. The kids have another set of loving grandparents. But she only has the two she holds at arm's length.
My grandmother was very polished and well dressed. But she gardened, made jam and cooked. And she always welcomed us to her house, which had all sorts of interesting, fragile and breakable stuff in it. The kids will be OK. But this grandma is really missing out.
I can only imagine what a petty, shallow existence it must be have to value "things", more actual people. I surely wouldn't be overly accommodating for people like that, that's for sure.
On a personal note, I don't care wether or not it's been 20-30 years since you've played with kids. I have my 80 year old grandpa down on the floor with my kids. You don't "forget" this type of stuff IMO. My in-laws, sit on my couch frozen like statues and any interaction they have with my kids seems, well so fake and contrived. Very odd. I can't even see my MIL taking care of an infant, let alone raising DH. DH thinks they poop sunshine though.
Last edited by Me 82; 01-18-2015 at 07:05 PM..
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