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I have suggested this and H refuses. According to him, everything is fine. And it probably is fine for him, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to put a smile on my face some days. It’s wearing me down.
Will he discuss it at all? Do you know if he is afraid that it will make things worse, for some reason?
Did you ask him, "Do you think I would suggest marriage counseling if I thought everything was fine?"
The way you bring up the subject is important. If he sees it as a criticism or an ambush, he WILL refuse. If he thinks that you miss the way you two used to be and that you want to be able to preserve your marriage through the tough child-raising years ahead, he might reconsider.
Unfortunately, between this and the way he is with his parents, it sounds like your husband may be a "pleaser," with a need for everyone to have a positive image of him. The bad news is that the wife usually is the least "pleased" when married to a pleaser because the pleaser expects the wife to be complicit in making him look good, and he probably expects you to do a lot of the "going along to get along" that he does.
Would you rather pay for daycare? Are you paying the grandparents to watch the baby? As far as I am concerned free (If it is) childcare is a perk so long as you trust them. I do agree with you though that your days off are yours and you need to put your foot down on that one.
OK. I multiquoted a bunch of posts, some of my responses may seem contradictory, but hopefully this will all fall together. I'll split them up, too, into two posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
Babies are awesome. Us grandmas...we love us some babies. LOL
How old is your son? Is he mobile yet? I would not be surprised if, once he gets mobile, the constant visiting won't slow down some. Mobile babies are some work! LOL
I think though, that you need to gently set some boundaries. Maybe you can drop some hints, like "Man, I'm so glad tomorrow is Sunday! I miss my little guy so much during the week! I'm looking forward to having him all to myself that day!
And say it happy, not like in a pointed way to cause hurt feelings, but in a way so that grandparents will hopefully realize (and let them think they realized all on their own) you need time with your baby boy.
Most people aren't real good at taking hints. The hinter feels what she says is obvious, the hintee doesn't get it. Someone will have to talk with the MIL.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
You worded it better than I did. This is where my frustration comes from. Grandparents want to be involved in our family in all aspects and I want less involvement outside of watching LO during working hours. It’s more important to me to have that nuclear family time without grandparents.
I'll probably catch some flak for this but, do you realize how selfish that sounds? You want the GP to babysit, which no matter how you look at it is work, but not enjoy the child when they're not responsible for him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I suspect that your husband has not bonded very well with his child, maybe in part because the three of you have limited time together. I would especially encourage just the three of you doing things together. And, leaving Hubby in charge of Baby more often. I recently moved to a new apartment complex and I have noticed that almost every time that I see a little baby or a toddler being pushed in a stroller it is by a man. I doubt if they are all single parents, I bet that it is one way for the dad to have a regular "special time" with their child and maybe give Mom a break. Does your husband do things like that? Or just hold his child and sing songs to him or just talk to him? Does your husband participate in the regular, loving parenting responsibilities, like giving your son a bath & getting him dressed or changing his diaper or feeding him or reading him a story and putting him to bed?
It is possible that having the grandparents "take over" on weekends may be hindering your husband's growth as a father.
Yeah, I was at the mall this afternoon, for the first time in a long time on a weekday. Lots of dads with babies. Some moms and dads with babies too.
I used to work long hours too & I had lots of "LO's". It sucks, I know. Once I sort of fudged a doctor's release so I could go back to work only 7 days after having my baby. And I was working 12-hour shifts, an hours drive away. That didn't work out so well; I would not recommend that at all.
I had already been back to work full-time for a month when my first set of twins were finally able to be discharged from the NICU. They weighed less than 5lbs, wore cardiac monitors & were both on oxygen. That was a nightmare.
A 6-week old at a day-care center (germ breeding-ground)? Yup. Been there done that too.
A very good point to consider.
$2,000 a month for childcare? Definitely! In other areas, I probably could have expected to pay even more.
Yeppers!
Now I have a disabled 14-year old, my youngest, for whom childcare would exceed three times that $2,000, so I can't work. Let me rephrase my first sentence:
"Both parents get to work 6 days a week?" Wow. You should be very grateful for that. It may not always be that way. Make sure you save a lot now; I wish I would have.
Yeah, I kind of think there is an In-law thingy-issue going on here. Actually; a Mother-In-Law thingy. MIL is apparently imposing, can't take a hint, has too many expectations & is overwhelming because she doesn't have friends or hobbies. Okay.
Actually, I think this is a MIL/DIL issue too. We all tend to be more tolerant of our own parents/family members.
Your parents, on the other hand:
... Are the epitome of everything to be desired in playful grandparents who are also the pillars of society.
Maybe he just doesn't see anything wrong with his parents being around, the same way you don't see anything wrong with yours.
Yep!
OP is asking for: Sixty hours a week of free childcare. Or 240 hours per month.
MIL is asking for: One hour a week where she doesn't have to be the free childcare. Or; 4 hours per month.
If OP is "bending over backwards", then the grandparents are doing backflips.
Exactly!
Yeah, that's part of the "it sucks". I missed my youngest son's (the disabled child)first words. He said them at school. I had waited 5 years, so I had to just be happy he finally spoke at all.
I love this post. My children only have 1 grandparent left out of the 4. IMO; grandparents leave us far too soon already.
But do you know just how lucky you are ... to be that lucky?
Mine in blue. Plus, yes, the OP is lucky and should think about that. We had no grands within 500 miles. All childcare while both parents worked was paid. For other needs, I joined a babysitting coop, but the more I worked, the less I wanted to take care of other people's kids in my "free time".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti
As a new mother, you are going to get all kinds of advice on how to feed, clothe and treat the baby. Remember that this is your child and you get to decide how to parent. Sure, some of the suggestions might have worked for other people but your relationship with your child is unique and you and your husband have to be the ones to decide how to handle your baby.
Grandmother needs to grow up and follow your lead when it comes to your baby. What might have worked when she was raising her children might be out dated today. Again you are the child's parent and even if she doesn't agree with your ideas on certain things she needs to back off. The same with visitation, they need to follow your lead. They see the baby five days a week now, nothing earth shattering will happen if they don't see baby for two days. There is no reason for them (any combination of the grandparents) to be at your house seven days a week. You might have to be the 'bad cop' here and put your foot down. No to Saturday and Sunday- it's non negotiable. MIL can throw a tantrum and pout but she'll have to get used to it.
Going forward, I would really rethink using a daycare for at least one or two days so that boundaries can be reinforced. Chose a daycare carefully and make sure that they know MIL can not 'drop by 'to see how the baby is doing. You and your husband need to talk and be on the same page going forward as you raise this child and any others you may have in the future.
As to the first two paras-wow, just wow! I didn't get any sense that either GM was interfering with actual parenting, in fact MIL agreed with the OP about feeding solids. If the OP wants day care that ends at 6 PM on Friday, she should hire a nanny or use a day care.
And I wouldn't recommend day care until the LO is at least a year. By then, he'll have had most of his vaccines, and be a little "tougher". Having these grands is a blessing. OP just needs to learn how to manage all this.
BTW, I seriously doubt if any licensed day care would let GM hang out there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
You two need some marriage counseling.
I wouldn't get my expectations up too high with that. Both some of my friends and I have had less than stellar success with counselors.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow
The OP doesn't have as much of a problem with the grandparents providing daycare as she does with them also coming over on the weekends to spend time with the baby. She just wants some alone time with her child which is completely understandable.
Yes, it is understandable. Maybe, after all this, the best thing would be to talk to them, both sides because you have to be equitable, and say, "Sundays are going to be our family day". Then they should stick with it, and not ask GPs to babysit on Sundays (except on rare occasions).
OP, instead of complaining about them, just have a sit down conversation and explain that you want them to stop dropping over unless it's their day to babysit. OR, put it in writing. You won't know til you try. Then adjust to extreme measures only after they defy your wishes.
This is better than all the hiding outside the house for a few Sundays and hope they get the drift. It is YOUR home. YOUR family. No visit outside of babysitting days. Period. Crafted in a way as to not sound as nasty as I just made it.
I’m seeking some advice from grandparents because I don’t know what to think.
Those grandparents aren't always going to be around. My kids only knew one grandparent (and she was kinda psycho, but I digress). Don't shut them out. Have them over when it's comfortable. Ask them to call first though. Tell them the visits are a tad overwhelming right now. But they eed to see the little ones.
My MIL tries to pull that “rest” BS on me when I’m done work and ask for my son back. I am a bit of a pushover and passive so I do blame myself a lot for allowing this entitlement to get so far. Even when I was on maternity leave and didn’t want “help”, I was able to tell my parents no they couldn’t come over. But I don’t have that same comfort level with my in laws. So I do rely on my H to tell them no. I agree with others that my problem really isn’t my in laws but H for allowing this. If he said no, they wouldn’t be over so much. But we get into arguments when I bring up I want less grandparents and I always cave. Again, completely my fault for not standing up for myself.
Just wanted to say, don't beat yourself up about it. I don't have kids (saw this thread on the active sidebar thing) but I had sort of similar situations regarding boundaries and so on with my ex-husband and his family. It's not easy to stand up for yourself when it feels like it's you against the entire family unit. I can't imagine how much more stressful it would be if a new baby was in the mix. For me this was definitely one of the things that led to him being my ex. You can do it though.
Those grandparents aren't always going to be around. My kids only knew one grandparent (and she was kinda psycho, but I digress). Don't shut them out. Have them over when it's comfortable. Ask them to call first though. Tell them the visits are a tad overwhelming right now. But they eed to see the little ones.
Did you miss the part where they see the grandchildren seven days per week and they refuse to leave if the OP and her husband ask them to leave? And, come over even if the OP and her husband want to spend time by themselves with their own child?
Would you have been happy with your children's grandparent at your home seven days per week and not even allowing you to hold your own baby? And, waking up your baby when he was napping so that they could hold him more? And, telling you that you are doing everything wrong? And, refusing to leave your house when they had already been there all day?
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-21-2018 at 08:45 PM..
Mine in blue. Plus, yes, the OP is lucky and should think about that. We had no grands within 500 miles. All childcare while both parents worked was paid. For other needs, I joined a babysitting coop, but the more I worked, the less I wanted to take care of other people's kids in my "free time".
As to the first two paras-wow, just wow! I didn't get any sense that either GM was interfering with actual parenting, in fact MIL agreed with the OP about feeding solids. If the OP wants day care that ends at 6 PM on Friday, she should hire a nanny or use a day care.
And I wouldn't recommend day care until the LO is at least a year. By then, he'll have had most of his vaccines, and be a little "tougher". Having these grands is a blessing. OP just needs to learn how to manage all this.
BTW, I seriously doubt if any licensed day care would let GM hang out there.
I wouldn't get my expectations up too high with that. Both some of my friends and I have had less than stellar success with counselors.
Yes, it is understandable. Maybe, after all this, the best thing would be to talk to them, both sides because you have to be equitable, and say, "Sundays are going to be our family day". Then they should stick with it, and not ask GPs to babysit on Sundays (except on rare occasions).
I feel like MIL is interferring. It doesnt matter if she agrees wkth me or not. My point to that example is H needs MIL to ok it before he is on bkard. It isnt enough for him that i feel something is in the best interest of my child. This makes me feel like i am parenting with MIL, not my husband.
There are plenty of examples where i choose to do somethjng and MIL will argue with me about it. I stopped viewing this as something a caring grandparent does and now see it as something a third parent does.
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You can do it though. 
