Grandparents, why do you always have to be around? (kids, old, month)
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Your husband gets upset when you say "my son." That is not even remotely normal.
I really think it's time to start talking to a counselor and a divorce attorney. Not to jump the gun but just to know what your options are and if there are things you should start doing now, so that if you did decide to take that step, you are in the best possible position.
And of course the reality is that you'd end up with even less time with your son because odds are your husband would get some form of shared custody (after being spurred on by his parents to fight for it) and then he'd clearly just hand the baby over to his mother for 100% of his time. You'd be removing some stress but you might end up paying a higher price - that's where talking to a counselor and a lawyer now helps, you'd have a more realistic picture of what would happen and can make your decisions accordingly.
I know the brickbats will start flying, but I think those of you who are advising divorce and the like are jumping the gun.
This couple had only been living together for a week when the baby was born. How many of you remember the stress of being a newlywed, learning to make it work? It takes longer than a week. Then the new baby. I recall it taking months to feel "normal" again. Add the stress of going back to work. Sounds like a mess!
I'd recommend, reluctantly, marriage counseling. Everyone has to learn some new behaviors, probably including the OP.
I know the brickbats will start flying, but I think those of you who are advising divorce and the like are jumping the gun.
This couple had only been living together for a week when the baby was born. How many of you remember the stress of being a newlywed, learning to make it work? It takes longer than a week. Then the new baby. I recall it taking months to feel "normal" again. Add the stress of going back to work. Sounds like a mess!
I'd recommend, reluctantly, marriage counseling. Everyone has to learn some new behaviors, probably including the OP.
I also said to proceed slowly and with caution but I think you are downplaying the actions of OP's husband and her in-laws. This is not the normal MIL adjustment, this is a very weird dynamic here, being aided by OP's husband. OP is criticized by her husband for saying "my son" and being told she's selfish and doesn't know how to share because she's an only child for wanting to spending some time alone with her own child. That is well outside the norm and IMO isn't just a matter of time to adjust.
I also said to proceed slowly and with caution but I think you are downplaying the actions of OP's husband and her in-laws. This is not the normal MIL adjustment, this is a very weird dynamic here, being aided by OP's husband. OP is criticized by her husband for saying "my son" and being told she's selfish and doesn't know how to share because she's an only child for wanting to spending some time alone with her own child. That is well outside the norm and IMO isn't just a matter of time to adjust.
I agree with all the above about "normality" of behavior. However, do keep in mind we are only hearing one side of this story.
How did the OP and her DH get along after the baby was born but before she went back to work and this grandparent issue came up? We don't know that. I have to admit I got annoyed with my husband for introducing our kids as "my daughter" at some family event. I told him when we're together he could at least say "our daughter".
I do think the speed at which this all happened is contributing to the problems. That's water over the dam, or under the bridge, or whatever, at this point in time, but it doesn't help.
Of course this is easier said then done. But I’m trying so so so hard to fight for my right to be with my son. But it is tiresome and frustrating to feel as if I’m in the wrong for seeing my son as my son and not as belonging to everyone. It’s frustrating to have to explain that to my H when it’s just common sense. I gave birth, he’s my son. Somehow that’s a trigger for my H, he gets upset when I refer to LO as my son. I’m tryin to be understanding and compromising, but it’s hard. Th last time he told me I was hogging my child, I told him if he ever said that to me again,I would leave him. Then I went into a whole speech about how wanting weekends is not hogging. It’s a speech I shouldn’t even have to say or explain. And he wants more kids. I’m expected to have mor kids to hand over to his mom...? No thanks..
Someone else mentioned divorce. This absolutely crossed my mind. And honestly, if I knew this would happen, I wouldn’t have wanted have done it. I think being a single parent would be better than this. I don’t want a divorce, but I also wouldn’t be opposed to it. I don’t have any documentation from H or his mom, but I’ve been writing everything down in my journal and keeping track in that. Not sure if that would count for anything if divorce was in the cards.
As least with daycare, I won’t feel like I’m in competition to be mom. One of my biggest issues is when I’m with my MIL, I feel like she completely takes over LO and becomes the parent. She told me the other day she bought a bunch of parenting books so she would know how to properly raise my son. It took all my self control to not throw a fit. But it’s getting harder to be polite, I feel like I’m fighting this battl alone. It’s me against my H plus his mom.
But at least I get weekends alone now. We will see how long this lasts though. It’s only been one grandparent fre weekend so far.
I'm not telling you to rush into divorce, but I do believe you need counseling either with your husband or without him. Something is going to have to change if you're going to remain married.
Is it possible that when you refer to "my son" he feels like you're excluding him? Or is it clear that he feels like you're excluding his parents and that's what makes him angry?
I'm glad you're finding your voice in this situation and while you shouldn't make empty threats, you seem to be making it clear to your husband that this issue is so important to you that you'd leave him over it. He needs to know that and his parents need to know that. Even with shared custody, they'll all see less of your son if you get divorced.
And next time your MIL talks about knowing how to properly raise your son, go ahead and speak up. You don't need to pitch a fit, but it's perfectly acceptable to say, "I don't like it when you say things like this. LO is my and Husband's son and we'll raise him as we see fit. I appreciate the help you've given us, but we are his parents and you aren't. If you have questions, you don't need to consult a book; you can consult us." Quiet, smiling and clear is the way to go here.
Perhaps OP can clarify but I did not get the impression her husband was getting upset because she was saying "my son" in a gathering with other people, and thereby making him feel excluded - I thought it was more that they were home and she was talking to/playing with her son and saying things like "how's my boy?" directly to the baby, and husband feels OP is excluding his parents when she says things like that, and he truly feels like the baby is supposed to be shared by the whole family and not "owned" by the parents.
I can't help wondering what MIL was like with her own MIL when OP's husband was a baby.....
Perhaps OP can clarify but I did not get the impression her husband was getting upset because she was saying "my son" in a gathering with other people, and thereby making him feel excluded - I thought it was more that they were home and she was talking to/playing with her son and saying things like "how's my boy?" directly to the baby, and husband feels OP is excluding his parents when she says things like that, and he truly feels like the baby is supposed to be shared by the whole family and not "owned" by the parents.
I can't help wondering what MIL was like with her own MIL when OP's husband was a baby.....
I mentioned that maybe the husband feels excluded because I'm having such a hard time understanding his POV. I know that some families sort of communally raise children, but I've never heard of a father being upset because his wife refers to their son as her son. It's absurd.
I've never heard of a father being upset because his wife refers to their son as her son. It's absurd.
It is one of the weirdest things I've read in a while.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow
I'm not telling you to rush into divorce, but I do believe you need counseling either with your husband or without him. Something is going to have to change if you're going to remain married..
Absolutely. Because the husband's thought process here:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
My husband also flats out refuses to help with baby on weekends. According to him, i can and should do everythibg because i wanted more time with baby. If i needed help, i would want the grandparents over.
... is not only completely dismissive of his wife's feelings but it also pits them against each other. Everything he says points to his loyalties being with his parents and not with his wife and child.
I suspect that this is part of why he is so detached:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
We got married because of the baby. We dated for about 7 years before we found we were pregnant. We got married, moved in together, had baby all in the same week.
He doesn't sound like he is on board with this transition to marriage and parenthood. If that is the case, the OP needs to prepare for ANY outcome, including single parenthood.
I mentioned that maybe the husband feels excluded because I'm having such a hard time understanding his POV. I know that some families sort of communally raise children, but I've never heard of a father being upset because his wife refers to their son as her son. It's absurd.
Yeah, I understand that. I was watching one of those house hunter shows over the weekend. It was a married couple, had been married for about 25 years, had 3 kids together. But each time they mentioned one of the kids, they each said "my daughter" or "my son" and it definitely stood out to me as odd that they never said "our daughter." I mean, it's one thing if it's a child from a prior marriage and they might not say "our daughter" in that case, esp. when they do have other kids together.
And I could see in a gathering, if one parent talked about "my child" it could feel like they were excluding the other parent.
But I definitely got a different impression here and I think it is about the husband's odd ideas thinking his parents are supposed to have the same "rights" and access to the baby as the mother and father do.
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