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We live on the opposite side of the country from grandchildren. THANKFULLY. We are in our seventies and remain very active. We love the grandkids but our lives do not revolve around them. This is not a Hallmark life where all is grandma makes cookies. Grandchildren seem to like their games, friends and occasionally other people. Send the birthday cards and some cash and all is well.
fwiw, my mom calls my son "my boy." But she's always been very respectful of boundaries - my dad (now deceased) was the one who wanted to take more of my son's time even at the expense of the time I got with him as a working mom. It doesn't bother me that she calls him "my boy" because she's not overstepping in any other way - she never provided full time care for me, but was back up for when daycare was closed or he was sick enough to stay home but not so sick he needed me with him if I had things I really needed to do at work. Even now that he's 13, she does a lot of the chauffeuring duties to get him to various activities, things when I could do it, but it's really helpful to not have to all the time (I'm a 100% single parent, so no other parent to help share this stuff with). But again, it's such a different dynamic and I totally get OP's frustration at feeling like her MIL is trying to take ownership and act as if she's another parent vs. a grandparent who happens to provide childcare.
In any case, I do think that the main focus needs to be to get on the same page as your husband. As I mentioned before, I think your son is getting to the age where you can start to interact with him in new ways, and that's a good opportunity for a re-set for your husband. Up to now, it's the hands on care and just holding him and the reality is some people are not "baby people" and don't derive particular pleasure from that. But I bet playing with a receptive baby who responds will be a lot more appealing to your husband and that will keep getting better and better as your son gets older. So start to focus on those types of fun activities and make sure they are happening among all three of you and not just you and your son. Even step back once an activity is established so it's just your husband and son interacting for a few minutes at a time. Hopefully, that will help him realize how important it is for your son to have this time one on one with each of you and for all three of you as an immediate family, and that the grandparents need to work around that instead of expecting it to be the other way around.
As a new mother, you are going to get all kinds of advice on how to feed, clothe and treat the baby. Remember that this is your child and you get to decide how to parent. Sure, some of the suggestions might have worked for other people but your relationship with your child is unique and you and your husband have to be the ones to decide how to handle your baby.
Grandmother needs to grow up and follow your lead when it comes to your baby. What might have worked when she was raising her children might be out dated today. Again you are the child's parent and even if she doesn't agree with your ideas on certain things she needs to back off. The same with visitation, they need to follow your lead. They see the baby five days a week now, nothing earth shattering will happen if they don't see baby for two days. There is no reason for them (any combination of the grandparents) to be at your house seven days a week. You might have to be the 'bad cop' here and put your foot down. No to Saturday and Sunday- it's non negotiable. MIL can throw a tantrum and pout but she'll have to get used to it.
Going forward, I would really rethink using a daycare for at least one or two days so that boundaries can be reinforced. Chose a daycare carefully and make sure that they know MIL can not 'drop by 'to see how the baby is doing. You and your husband need to talk and be on the same page going forward as you raise this child and any others you may have in the future.
Just because someone knocks on the door doesn't mean you're obligated to open it.
I completely agree, but I doubt if her husband would follow though on that if it was his parents on the other side of the door. One of the reasons that I suggested leaving the house would be that Hubby would bond easier with his child away from the distractions of his computer, hobbies and phone.
OP, instead of complaining about them, just have a sit down conversation and explain that you want them to stop dropping over unless it's their day to babysit. OR, put it in writing. You won't know til you try. Then adjust to extreme measures only after they defy your wishes.
I have a different take on this. Grandparents who demand ownership of their grand kids are being selfish *****. There is no NEED for the to be around that often. You are being taken advantage of by your weenie husband and selfish grandparents. Time to put on the big girl panties and say no.
Is this in reference to my calling my Grandson's mine? Well they are mine. I am their Grandmother. They can point at me and say, that woman is my Grandma. It is true, as it is true they are my grandson's. I never usurp their parent's authority. My daughter and son in law actually appreciate me for all that I do for their son's. I could be selfish and refuse to watch them and insist they go to a daycare. But if they have to be somewhere while their parents work, why not my house as I am retired and enjoy "my" grandson's.
I do however hate it when kids say if Mommy won't give it to me Grandma will. That is not the case in my house. I respect my children and their children. BTW: I also call my son in law, my son. Someone questioned me when I said all three of my kids. He said you have two kids. I said, I also call my son in law as mine too.
My MIL took over my SIL's life and raised her son for her. My SIL worked and only saw her son in weekday evening. MIL took him for the weekends to give her a "rest." My SIL allowed herself to be pushed around which resulted in a nervous breakdown.
Don't be like my SIL and have your child call someone else Mommy.
We fought to create a nuclear family. My husband found a job across the country and we relocated to find so peace. Thirty years later, my MIL is still angry, but I don't care. I raised my children as my own.
Just because someone knocks on the door doesn't mean you're obligated to open it.
They may not just be knocking on the door though. They may let themselves in. They may have a key. It's also really hard to not answer the door when you're home and you know it's the grandparents....especially when they know you're home or can hear the baby crying.
My MIL took over my SIL's life and raised her son for her. My SIL worked and only saw her son in weekday evening. MIL took him for the weekends to give her a "rest." My SIL allowed herself to be pushed around which resulted in a nervous breakdown.
Don't be like my SIL and have your child call someone else Mommy.
We fought to create a nuclear family. My husband found a job across the country and we relocated to find so peace. Thirty years later, my MIL is still angry, but I don't care. I raised my children as my own.
My MIL tries to pull that “rest” BS on me when I’m done work and ask for my son back. I am a bit of a pushover and passive so I do blame myself a lot for allowing this entitlement to get so far. Even when I was on maternity leave and didn’t want “help”, I was able to tell my parents no they couldn’t come over. But I don’t have that same comfort level with my in laws. So I do rely on my H to tell them no. I agree with others that my problem really isn’t my in laws but H for allowing this. If he said no, they wouldn’t be over so much. But we get into arguments when I bring up I want less grandparents and I always cave. Again, completely my fault for not standing up for myself.
As a new mother, you are going to get all kinds of advice on how to feed, clothe and treat the baby. Remember that this is your child and you get to decide how to parent. Sure, some of the suggestions might have worked for other people but your relationship with your child is unique and you and your husband have to be the ones to decide how to handle your baby.
Grandmother needs to grow up and follow your lead when it comes to your baby. What might have worked when she was raising her children might be out dated today. Again you are the child's parent and even if she doesn't agree with your ideas on certain things she needs to back off. The same with visitation, they need to follow your lead. They see the baby five days a week now, nothing earth shattering will happen if they don't see baby for two days. There is no reason for them (any combination of the grandparents) to be at your house seven days a week. You might have to be the 'bad cop' here and put your foot down. No to Saturday and Sunday- it's non negotiable. MIL can throw a tantrum and pout but she'll have to get used to it.
Going forward, I would really rethink using a daycare for at least one or two days so that boundaries can be reinforced. Chose a daycare carefully and make sure that they know MIL can not 'drop by 'to see how the baby is doing. You and your husband need to talk and be on the same page going forward as you raise this child and any others you may have in the future.
The problem with advice from MIL is that H relies too much on it. He says we will raise LO how we want to regardless of anyone else. But when it comes down to it, he needs his mom’s approval. For example, our PED said it was ok to start on solid food now, but I wanted to wait another month or so. He argued with me to start LO now. But when his mom agreed with me to wait, suddenly he was fine with waiting too. I get really upset over things like this because I’m ssentially coparenting with MIL. And H doesn’t understand why I’m upset because “I got my way”.
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