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We got married because of the baby. We dated for about 7 years before we found we were pregnant. We got married, moved in together, had baby all in the same week.
Under those circumstances, I am sure that it is especially difficult. To many people those first years of being married are idyllic. Just you and your spouse together, doing fun things, waking up to each other every morning, going sleep next to each other every night, etc. etc. Hubby and I loved being parents, but the five years that we were married before we had children were amazing and really strengthened our love and the bond between us. I am sorry that you did not have that experience. Obviously you can not change the past, but not living together & not being married before you became parents just adds to the relationship difficulties.
Frankly, it must have been unbelievably difficult to get married, move in together, & have a baby all in the same week. But, I wonder if there is "more to the story" possible A LOT "more to the story". Hmmm, you and BF knew for months and months that you were pregnant and decide to move in together the week that the baby is born??? You and BF knew for months and months that you were pregnant and decide to get married the week that the baby is born???
Hmmm, I suspect that someone (? BF, ? you) did not really want to get married and probably someone (obviously BF) did not want to be a father. I know that I am blunt, but in my 65 years of living I have known a number of people who got married because of pregnancy and they were either extremely delighted and got married quickly because they were excited or resolved their initial doubts fairly quickly and were married pretty soon after learning of the pregnancy.
You have had so many changes/stressors in the last few months (marriage, a new baby, a new living situation, overbearing in-laws, etc.) that I would suggest counseling for you even if Hubby refuses to go.
Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
While we were dating, I saw my parents ever other week and saw in laws only on holidays and birthdays. My H saw my parents every few months if that and saw his parents about once a month.
Wow, I can picture that you never imaged how pushy and demanding your in-laws would be after the baby was born, if your only experience with them was seeing them a few times a year for holidays and birthdays. Heck, even their son only saw them once a month.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-22-2018 at 08:01 AM..
Under those circumstances, I am sure that it is especially difficult. To many people those first years of being married are idyllic. Just you and your spouse together, doing fun things, waking up to each other every morning, going sleep next to each other every night, etc. etc. Hubby and I loved being parents, but the five years that we were married before we had children were amazing and really strengthened our love and the bond between us. I am sorry that you did not have that experience. Obviously you can not change the past, but not living together & not being married before you became parents just adds to the relationship difficulties.
Frankly, it must have been unbelievably difficult to get married, move in together, & have a baby all in the same week. But, I wonder if there is "more to the story" possible A LOT "more to the story". Hmmm, you and BF knew for months and months that you were pregnant and decide to move in together the week that the baby is born??? You and BF knew for months and months that you were pregnant and decide to get married the week that the baby is born???
Hmmm, I suspect that someone (? BF, ? you) did not really want to get married and probably someone (obviously BF) did not want to be a father. I know that I am blunt, but in my 65 years of living I have known a number of people who got married because of pregnancy and they were either extremely delighted and got married quickly because they were excited or resolved their initial doubts fairly quickly and were married pretty soon after learning of the pregnancy.
You have had so many changes/stressors in the last few months (marriage, a new baby, a new living situation, overbearing in-laws, etc.) that I would suggest counseling for you even if Hubby refuses to go.
Good luck.
Wow, I can picture that you never imaged how pushy and demanding your in-laws would be after the baby was born, if your only experience with them was seeing them a few times a year for holidays and birthdays. Heck, even their son only saw them once a month.
We were planning on moving in together before we found out about baby. We had already started house hunting. By the time we bought a place and had it fixed up, it was a week before the due date. We planned on moving in much earlier but with a fixer upper, there were some unforeseen issues that came up. As for marriage, I was the one that kept pushing it back. I didn’t think a baby should change things and I didn’t want to be married just because of baby.
Right, it was lot of changes very quickly. I went from living alone with my cat to living with a husband and baby. And top of that, having family drop by all the time. It’s just too much.
While we were dating, I saw my parents ever other week and saw in laws only on holidays and birthdays. My H saw my parents every few months if that and saw his parents about once a month.
I think I would try to focus on that, to try to get H to see how extreme this difference is, and that MIL has really overstepped here. It's certainly reasonable for a grandparent to want to see their grandbaby more frequently than once a month given the close proximity. It's not necessary for it to be on an almost daily basis, particularly when she has 3 full days every week with him. Expecting a half day on Saturday and then additional time on Sunday on top of that is just beyond reasonable.
But unfortunately, the more you post OP, the clearer this is that it's a husband problem more than a MIL problem. If he's not willing to agree to and then enforce boundaries, it will never happen.
I think you absolutely should talk to your pastor about this, and see if he can facilitate some discussion between you and your husband about this. And there is in fact biblical support for the idea that your husband's primary focus should be you and the baby, and not his parents. Not meaning to cut them out entirely of course, but he seems to place limited value on the idea of bonding together as your new immediate family of three, and hopefully your pastor can reinforce the importance of that.
Right, it was lot of changes very quickly. I went from living alone with my cat to living with a husband and baby. And top of that, having family drop by all the time. It’s just too much.
Have you said this ^^ to your husband?
If he balked after hearing this very simple declaration, then we have other problems to deal with because his first instinct should be to rally in support of YOU.
OP, this is fixable, but it will take courage and some changes in behavior, and of course you both have to want to fix it.
I think I would try to focus on that, to try to get H to see how extreme this difference is, and that MIL has really overstepped here. It's certainly reasonable for a grandparent to want to see their grandbaby more frequently than once a month given the close proximity. It's not necessary for it to be on an almost daily basis, particularly when she has 3 full days every week with him. Expecting a half day on Saturday and then additional time on Sunday on top of that is just beyond reasonable.
But unfortunately, the more you post OP, the clearer this is that it's a husband problem more than a MIL problem. If he's not willing to agree to and then enforce boundaries, it will never happen.
I think you absolutely should talk to your pastor about this, and see if he can facilitate some discussion between you and your husband about this. And there is in fact biblical support for the idea that your husband's primary focus should be you and the baby, and not his parents. Not meaning to cut them out entirely of course, but he seems to place limited value on the idea of bonding together as your new immediate family of three, and hopefully your pastor can reinforce the importance of that.
I'm not sure that's the issue, or the whole issue anyway. I mean, men can be a bit on the dense side sometimes with this kind of stuff, yes, but it may just not have occurred to him that it's a problem, especially since it's his parents and he's comfortable around them.
When did the pastor come into this? Did I miss something? I agree s/he might be a good person to talk to, also some churches have other members who've been trained in counseling.
I'm kind of surprised that of all the women posting, I seem to be the only one who thinks that at least some of the problem is the age-old MIL/DIL relationship. (Though I have to say, my MIL minded her own business better than my mom, but as both lived some distance, it wasn't a big deal.) Just now doing a Google search, there are tons of articles. Here is a good one, IMO: https://www.grandparents.com/family-...ationship-rule
I see a number of problems here, with the marriage and even living together so quick before the baby. I do think counseling might be helpful, although I still wouldn't expect miracles from it.
I'm not sure that's the issue, or the whole issue anyway. I mean, men can be a bit on the dense side sometimes with this kind of stuff, yes, but it may just not have occurred to him that it's a problem, especially since it's his parents and he's comfortable around them.
When did the pastor come into this? Did I miss something? I agree s/he might be a good person to talk to, also some churches have other members who've been trained in counseling.
I'm kind of surprised that of all the women posting, I seem to be the only one who thinks that at least some of the problem is the age-old MIL/DIL relationship. (Though I have to say, my MIL minded her own business better than my mom, but as both lived some distance, it wasn't a big deal.) Just now doing a Google search, there are tons of articles. Here is a good one, IMO: https://www.grandparents.com/family-...ationship-rule
I see a number of problems here, with the marriage and even living together so quick before the baby. I do think counseling might be helpful, although I still wouldn't expect miracles from it.
OP mentioned the idea of talking to her pastor, and she also mentioned examples of trying to discuss this with her husband already. It's not just that he doesn't see it as a problem of his own accord, he has disagreed with the OP trying to explain to him why she feels it's a problem.
I'm kind of surprised that of all the women posting, I seem to be the only one who thinks that at least some of the problem is the age-old MIL/DIL relationship.
...
I see a number of problems here, with the marriage and even living together so quick before the baby. I do think counseling might be helpful, although I still wouldn't expect miracles from it.
It's much more than the MIL/DIL cliche.
It's a problem of communication, expectations, respect and trust - all between the husband and wife.
Honestly, I could care less about the MIL stuff because if the OP has her husband's support, her MIL could be doing her worst and it wouldn't matter that much.
But the fact that there is MIL conflict and her husband is acting completely clueless? That is the dealbreaker.
And therapy absolutely can help them. No one said it was a miracle, but if she finds a therapist they trust, it can be life-changing.
It's a problem of communication, expectations, respect and trust - all between the husband and wife.
Honestly, I could care less about the MIL stuff because if the OP has her husband's support, her MIL could be doing her worst and it wouldn't matter that much.
But the fact that there is MIL conflict and her husband is acting completely clueless? That is the dealbreaker.
And therapy absolutely can help them. No one said it was a miracle, but if she finds a therapist they trust, it can be life-changing.
There is almost always MIL/DIL conflict, especially early in a marriage. Husbands are often clueless to it. Dealbreaker? That's a big jump.
It's just that I know a number of people for whom it didn't help at all, sometimes made things worse. My bro's ex was telling me one thing she wanted to discuss with the counselor was my bro's excessive smoking (4 pks/day). Counselor came in and said "Do you mind if I smoke?" End of that idea. Plus, as one person wrote on a different message board, "it opened up some old wounds and poured salt in existing ones". My former MIL said everyone she knew who saw a pastor for marriage counseling ended up getting divorced.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 03-22-2018 at 02:47 PM..
To be fair I don’t have the same comfort with mil as I do my mom. Believe me my parents do annoying things as well. But they’re my parents and I don’t have any problems telling them to stop. I don’t feel that ease with mil where I can just ask her to stop without hurting her or our relationship. I do rely on H for that. If he tells her and she doesn’t like it, he’s still her son and it won’t hurt their relationship if that makes sense. I’m not sure I’m explaining that well. My parents don’t ask for Sunday’s, my dad tried once and I said no. They haven’t asked since.
I hope I’ll never be that grandparent because I don’t want that type around. But who knows what the future holds
Theirs just excited. The novelty of a baby will wear off. I wouldn’t worry about telling them. Just tell them you appreciate that they are helping you with the baby but you want to have days of family time to bond with your child and that they need to respect your wishes. Your husband needs to back you up on this completely.
While you may hurt their feelings apply it across the board to all Grandparent lines. If they don’t cant won’t understand that’s really on them. I don’t see why they wouldn’t understan
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