Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I didn't say being a parent is a jail sentence. Au contraire, I think is both a privilege and a huge responsibility. I'm not here to bash or to antagonize anyone, trust me. I'm not a parent, so I cannot bash something I do not know for fact. But what I can do, what I can really do is point out the pros of being childless since that I know for sure.
Greetings
I will admit that I've never been a childless adult so I don't know any other way of being. I had my first child when I was still a teenager so I've never had absolute freedom.
Anyway, once the kids get older and you don't need a babysitter anymore, you start to regain some freedom. No last minute vacations to Paris but a kid free weekend at the beach is doable.
I appreciate your perspective and I liked your list of ways to celebrate. A world with cake is a better world indeed.
I was going to stay out of this debate because there are many who have said what I would have said and have said it far better than I would have. But I just have to comment on this one.
I have been child free for my very long life. I thought I had heard it all regarding why I should have kids first when I was of child bearing age and then why I should have had them when I was passed the age of child bearing but this is the most arrogant, condescending statement I have ever heard.
How can you miss something you had no desire for in the first place?
I tried to be neutral and polite, and certainly didn't state that you will miss having children; I just said you will never understand what you're missing. Slightly different. Maybe try reading again what I wrote. No one's putting down childless people here.
They're just saying, you who don't have kids and talk like it's some kind of tedious burden to raise kids just don't know what you're talking about. It's not something you can understand without doing it. When you have a child, that child is like a part of yourself and you don't hear the screaming, you don't smell the smells, and you put up with infinitely more behavior than does a person who is not a parent.
It's no criticism of the non-parents; it's just a fact, in fact it's probably an instinctive thing, hard wired into our DNA. If we got mad at our young for pooping and screaming, our race would have long ago died out.
Some people who deal with children have a kind of substitute family, like school teachers. Our 10-year-old's 4th grade teacher for example has been teaching for 60 years, yet has no children of her own. But three generations of people in this town had her as a teacher, and it's like a family of thousands. Good for her, and good for people who find a family without having kids.
I also know people who unofficially adopt teens who are at risk, who live in crappy abusive households, and take them under their wing and take them to concerts, pay for courses, etc. and in effect become the parents these kids never had. There's a tremendous need for such people in our messed up society, and it gives the childless people a way to become a parent. I guess there are many paths to parenthood.
Once upon a time, our entire community lived in a clan where the parents and children were all together in one cave or group of huts or whatever, and the kids went freely between families and sometimes found parenting in the next hut if their own parents were lacking.
The black communities in the U.S. used to have, maybe still have in some places, a tradition of "borrowing" kids, where kids would do just that, temporarily go to someone else who takes better care of them, takes them to church, feeds them, etc.
No. I'm a happily childless woman, therefore, EVERY day is a celebration. I don't need to pick a special day. I'm happy because I don't have to worry about kids, pay for a babysitter to do anything special with my fiancee, avoid watching R rated movies, put off vacations or going out, rearrange work schedules, rearrange life schedules, or be unable to afford most things that I want, unlike many of the people I know with kids. Of course, everyone lives their life as they choose, and those couples with kids feel that the joy they get from their children is worth those trade-offs. But in my world, every day is Personal Freedom Day
Yep. I'm good with celebrating the fact that every day I get to do what I want with no obligations except work and bills and social commitments. When I feel the need to hang with kids, I visit relatives or take one of my friends and their children out for a fun day. I actually spent part of Mother's Day with my friend who has two kids with special needs - she just wanted some free time to relax and hang out after the breakfast and gifting bonanza in the morning.
I tried to be neutral and polite, and certainly didn't state that you will miss having children; I just said you will never understand what you're missing. Slightly different. Maybe try reading again what I wrote. No one's putting down childless people here.
They're just saying, you who don't have kids and talk like it's some kind of tedious burden to raise kids just don't know what you're talking about. It's not something you can understand without doing it. When you have a child, that child is like a part of yourself and you don't hear the screaming, you don't smell the smells, and you put up with infinitely more behavior than does a person who is not a parent.
It's no criticism of the non-parents; it's just a fact, in fact it's probably an instinctive thing, hard wired into our DNA. If we got mad at our young for pooping and screaming, our race would have long ago died out.
Some people who deal with children have a kind of substitute family, like school teachers. Our 10-year-old's 4th grade teacher for example has been teaching for 60 years, yet has no children of her own. But three generations of people in this town had her as a teacher, and it's like a family of thousands. Good for her, and good for people who find a family without having kids.
I also know people who unofficially adopt teens who are at risk, who live in crappy abusive households, and take them under their wing and take them to concerts, pay for courses, etc. and in effect become the parents these kids never had. There's a tremendous need for such people in our messed up society, and it gives the childless people a way to become a parent. I guess there are many paths to parenthood.
Once upon a time, our entire community lived in a clan where the parents and children were all together in one cave or group of huts or whatever, and the kids went freely between families and sometimes found parenting in the next hut if their own parents were lacking.
The black communities in the U.S. used to have, maybe still have in some places, a tradition of "borrowing" kids, where kids would do just that, temporarily go to someone else who takes better care of them, takes them to church, feeds them, etc.
Trust me, I understand what I'm missing. I'm not a parent because I don't feel as a single woman I would be able to provide all of the things that I think a child should have, and I know I wouldn't have the freedom that I so cherish now if I did have a kid. And I refuse to marry someone just so I can have a kid. My friends and relatives of my generation who have children devote their lives to providing stable environments, structure and enrichment to their children - I would want to provide my child/children with nothing less, and it would be difficult to do that as a single person. It's not necessarily that I'm opposed to having kids, but the life I have would not allow me to be the kind of parent I see myself being.
However, I've gone to extraordinary lengths in my life for some of the children I've known. I spent 3 months looking for my ex's child after he was kidnapped by his abusive and unstable bio mom, and I found him. My relationship with his father fizzled though, and there's a part of my heart out there somewhere. I'm hoping he'll look me up when he turns 18. I've mentored younger relatives and am adored (still can't figure out why) by the children of my friends.
I know exactly what I'm missing, but that doesn't mean my life is any less happy. You say there are many paths to parenthood, but really there are many paths to happiness and fulfillment.
Yeah, it's condescending, patronizing and god knows what else when someone says to another person "you couldn't possibly understand." Which is what "you don't know what you're missing" really means. I understand completely what I'm missing. I just took another life path.
Yep. I'm good with celebrating the fact that every day I get to do what I want with no obligations except work and bills and social commitments. When I feel the need to hang with kids, I visit relatives or take one of my friends and their children out for a fun day. I actually spent part of Mother's Day with my friend who has two kids with special needs - she just wanted some free time to relax and hang out after the breakfast and gifting bonanza in the morning.
That was nice of you to do that for your friend. What many parents here don't seem to realize is that many childfree people do have kids in their lives. I have a CF friend who has taken care of her great-nieces from infancy while a couple of days a week while the parents work. She loves babies but never wanted one of her own.
Many child free people are very fond of kids. Sometimes their generosity benefits Society rather than just a small nuclear family. If you think about Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Florence Nightingale, Mother Theresa or Jane Addams, you are reminded of women who didn't have children but did/are doing great things for a vast number of children. It isn't well known but two famous actors, George Clooney and Hugh Grant do a lot of charity work in Africa for kids.
My CF friends have been varied in their feelings for children. Some have been school teachers and some caregivers like nurses. But all had decided they simply did not want to reproduce for one reason or another. It's a personal choice or it should be. Too many people, I fear, believe having kids is obligatory and don't realize it is a choice. That's where perhaps child abuse may begin.
People will research buying a house or a car but don't think for a second about reproducing and all it entails. Just look at all the descriptions people are giving here of raising kids like "tedious burden." I never heard a child free person use terms of that kind. The mildest comment I have ever heard a CF friend say along those lines might have been children can be a bother but for the most part, honestly, the main reason people I know who decided to be CF after giving it some thought was simply because they didn't have the desire to raise children.
It wasn't because they wanted more money or a fee life. Everyone has to answer to someone like a boss or a spouse or to other obligations and I am I am living proof being childfree is not a guarantee of becoming wealthy. No, the choice to be childfree is something many of those who are parents will never understand. In my experience the reason for those of us who chose to be childfree, was simply a lack of desire of the need to reproduce.
Well perhaps a Universal Aunt's day and a Universal Uncle's day? Because childless people do make a contribution to society and should not be treated as inferior. I don't think it's an unreasonable view to take that there are already quite enough children in the world.
I imagine it might be quite irritating for the child-free person to hear parents complaining, given that it is more often than not a choice to have children. I have certainly heard people at work whinge about mothers leaving early to pick up children, but the opposite side of that argument is that workers who work all hours affect the work-life balance of families.
We do need a certain number of children to continue the existence of the human race and to keep the economy going.
Aunts and Uncles Day, great idea, maddy! I wish there weren't so much animosity, defensiveness and name-calling between parents and the child-free. It's true that those of us without children can't truly know how it feels to be a parent because we haven't walked in your shoes. It's also true that not all childless people have made that choice because they are selfish. People who can't imagine their lives without children can never truly understand how it is for us who don't feel up to the job and are constantly being reminded that we're missing something.
Having children is the default setting for human beings. Being a tribal race, we humans tend to distrust those who made the conscious choice to reject their biological programming. They are different from us, not part of the tribe. As a result, the childfree are subjected to negative comments and are constantly made to feel that we have to justify our choice.
My stepmother used to say to me, "You didn't have children; was that on purpose?" She said it in an incredulous tone that implied that she could scarcely believe any woman would choose that. She might as well have said "Are you insane?" Every time she saw me, she would ask the same question. Every time, I patiently replied that yes, it was my choice, and she'd look at me as though I were an alien from some other planet.
But some people do get it. One day at work, a woman I know mentioned that she was getting ready to celebrate Mother's Day with her husband and four daughters. I wistfully remarked that I had never gotten anything for Mother's Day and thought nothing more of it. Later that day she returned from her lunch break with a Mother's Day card and a little gift for me, scented bubble bath.She said that I deserved it for all that I'd done to take care of my elderly mother and MIL. I was so touched. It is one of the nicest things that has ever happened to me. So I think an Aunts and Uncles Day would be a nice way to acknowledge that childfree people have families, too - just not the conventional kind.
Aunts and Uncles Day, great idea, maddy! I wish there weren't so much animosity, defensiveness and name-calling between parents and the child-free. It's true that those of us without children can't truly know how it feels to be a parent because we haven't walked in your shoes. It's also true that not all childless people have made that choice because they are selfish. People who can't imagine their lives without children can never truly understand how it is for us who don't feel up to the job and are constantly being reminded that we're missing something.
Having children is the default setting for human beings. Being a tribal race, we humans tend to distrust those who made the conscious choice to reject their biological programming. They are different from us, not part of the tribe. As a result, the childfree are subjected to negative comments and are constantly made to feel that we have to justify our choice.
My stepmother used to say to me, "You didn't have children; was that on purpose?" She said it in an incredulous tone that implied that she could scarcely believe any woman would choose that. She might as well have said "Are you insane?" Every time she saw me, she would ask the same question. Every time, I patiently replied that yes, it was my choice, and she'd look at me as though I were an alien from some other planet.
But some people do get it. One day at work, a woman I know mentioned that she was getting ready to celebrate Mother's Day with her husband and four daughters. I wistfully remarked that I had never gotten anything for Mother's Day and thought nothing more of it. Later that day she returned from her lunch break with a Mother's Day card and a little gift for me, scented bubble bath.She said that I deserved it for all that I'd done to take care of my elderly mother and MIL. I was so touched. It is one of the nicest things that has ever happened to me. So I think an Aunts and Uncles Day would be a nice way to acknowledge that childfree people have families, too - just not the conventional kind.
Beautifully said.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
