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You will never experience the devastating loss, heartbreak, and feeling of death until you lose someone you truly love.
It could be father, mother, sibling, spouse, best friend, etc.
It can be an expected death of an old sick loved one, or the unexpected death of a young healthy loved one.
If you have never experienced this, either you are very lucky or you have never loved anyone.
I hope you are just very lucky.
When my Dad died, we knew months before that it was going to happen.
When my son-in-law died at 30 years of age in an industrial accident, it was a tremendous shock. He just went to work one morning and never came back home to my daughter and his 4 year old son.
Neither was easy.
Losing the ones you love is never pleasant. No matter what the circumstances.
Over my 62 years I have lost grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, and attended many funerals. Not long ago I attended one for an old girlfriend I hadn't seen since we were teenagers. I just happened to see the obituary in the newspaper. Even though I hadn't seen her in decades, and we both grew up and married different people and raised families, it was a sad time for me. She was my first young love and I hated the fact that her life had ended.
The truth is, every time you say good bye to someone-in person, on the phone, whatever, it could be the last time.
That was my experience. I went to another town where my mother was in the hospital. I visited for three days. The last time, I kissed her forehead and held her hand for awhile -- she had a strong grip, stronger than I thought she had -- but then I finally said I would come back to see her.
After a few days when I was at work, they told me that she had died. You may not have had this experience but it seemed that everything that had happened in my life came by in a flash, maybe five or so seconds. A mother is someone who has a lot of influence during your life, so that impacted me quite a bit.
With my dad, I knew he was in a bad way. I was living in another city. I was concerned and figured he wouldn't last long, and I had a terrible back ache. My sister was closer to her than to I was, though he was such a good dad.
Lost my mom after a 3 month cancer battle, dad died after an hour in an ER from a heart attack, and husband after a 3 month cancer battle.
My take on a sudden unexpected loss verses a long illness...
Shock is there with the sudden..its more unreal and you expect them to call next day ect..
But with the long illness I had a hard time getting past the suffering & sickness leading up to the death.
Both are devastating, but a spouse turns your world upside down more than a parent if you are an adult..
Everything about your day to day life changes...It changes your identity..
In 2009 after 15 years of breast cancer (and it's spreading) my mom got word that it had entered the organs. She just turned 60. We got Hospice involved and kept her in her home and took care of her for 4 weeks. Then we couldnt do it anymore, she was literally falling apart. We transfered her to Hospice house where she lived anoth 7 days. She passed on a beautiful Saturday morning, May 9th 2009. She had a little smirk on her face, like she was smiling. She was very spiritual (but never pushed it) and during the last 5 days she would gaze into the ceiling and reach up for something, I never seen such a look in her eyes, it was hypnotic. But watching a plump, loving, vibrant, life loving single mother wither away everyday for 5 weeks was agonizing. She was my best friend. She lived a good life. She visited death row inmates to help them spiritually. She was an RN. She was the greatest person I've ever known, a real life super hero
But I feel her around me, and when I climbed into the bottle after her death I know she was looking out for me because by statistics I should probably be dead due to the wreckless life I led after her death. But slowly things are getting better. One day at a time.
My Dad, who after 20 years estranged, and I had finally made amends in August 2011. My 2 brothers ignored him, but I got to know the REAL him. What made him the so called "monster" I thought he was. He was actually quite the opposite. I moved to California thru a job transfer. He was supposed to move in with me that October. His brother found him dead of a massive heart attack. I am very grateful I got to make amends and make peace with him. My other brothers didn't. They don't seem bothered at all. That's fine. To me I think everyday could be the last.
My conclusion: Seeing someone for the last time, for me, is like having a photograph or video that is with you evrywhere you go, in your mind for the rest of your life. So every "Ok, see ya later" or "I love You" could be the last. Never be at odds with anyone. Make peace and never go away mad. You may live to regret it.
I'm 33 and I have never had anyone close to me die. A few distant relatives in other countries that I never saw, a boy I knew in high school...but no one whose loss saddened or affected me.
So what is it like when someone suddenly dies? You see them one day and the next day they are just gone forever. This is probably more traumatic when death comes early and without warning, like a car wreck, suicide, or crime/murder.
I have a 48 yr old friend who has lost 12 friends/accquaintances to suicide over the years, plus several from diseases, car wrecks, etc. Every time I talk to him it seems someone else in his life has died and he's going to another memorial. I've never even been to a funeral.
I have never experienced this, though I know it's inevitable...unless of course I kick it in the very near future.
Your post reminds me of a time in the early thur mid nineties where a dear friend was losing friends , it seemed monthy, mostly due to AIDS. I would address the subject mostly on a philosophical level.
Yes I had lost loved ones, but never at such a fast pace, and mostly family members who were at the end of their "earth" time.
I realized much later, when it was him that " I " lost, just how unfeeling I must have sounded. Saying things like, 'It was just their time", ec.
Yes, I do believe that, but it doesn't address the pain of seperation. It doesn't make saying goodbye any easier. It doesn't take away the hurt you feel in your heart whenever you think of them. Nothing can prepair one for such a absolute goodbye.
Like them; it is the bridge one must cross when one reaches it. If you can't "feel" what suffering they feel, there is no point in behaving like you do. (Not saying you have).
Just saying" I'm really sorry for your loss". Is probably the best thing to say. Blowing it off, because it isn't in your experience, is not.
Elle, this is an old thread that was resurrected when Grief became it's own forum a while back. Old threads that were scattered throughout C-D were pulled into one forum and we are ever so grateful to the Administrator for giving us this place to talk. You may find many older threads sprinkled throughout, but they have lots of useful information.
...I realized much later, when it was him that " I " lost, just how unfeeling I must have sounded. Saying things like, 'It was just their time", ec.....
I agree with your second thoughts. This remark has always struck me as one of the most grossly smug, know-it-all and dismissive comments that a person can make when someone dies.
gnubler.. I'll let you in on something no one ever told me about, when someone you loves passes away... the fact that the world doesn't stop and everyone notice that someone that was important to you has just had their homegoing. When my Grandpa passed away, on the way to his uneral, we stopped at a McDonald's. I wasn't the least bit hungry, but you have to eat. Well, sitting there, watching everyone laughing, eating, talking, acting like nothing was wrong, infuriated me. I was so angered that no one else seemed to care that someone I loved so much was no longer gonna be around.
I never understood until I lost someone special how "cruel" life can be that way. That was a bitter lesson to learn so young.
That's exactly how I felt when my ex and I went out to eat the day before my mother's funeral. I, too, was so angry that no one saw the pain I was in because my momma had died.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jc76
In 2009 after 15 years of breast cancer (and it's spreading) my mom got word that it had entered the organs. She just turned 60. We got Hospice involved and kept her in her home and took care of her for 4 weeks. Then we couldnt do it anymore, she was literally falling apart. We transfered her to Hospice house where she lived anoth 7 days. She passed on a beautiful Saturday morning, May 9th 2009. She had a little smirk on her face, like she was smiling. She was very spiritual (but never pushed it) and during the last 5 days she would gaze into the ceiling and reach up for something, I never seen such a look in her eyes, it was hypnotic. But watching a plump, loving, vibrant, life loving single mother wither away everyday for 5 weeks was agonizing. She was my best friend. She lived a good life. She visited death row inmates to help them spiritually. She was an RN. She was the greatest person I've ever known, a real life super hero
But I feel her around me, and when I climbed into the bottle after her death I know she was looking out for me because by statistics I should probably be dead due to the wreckless life I led after her death. But slowly things are getting better. One day at a time.
My Dad, who after 20 years estranged, and I had finally made amends in August 2011. My 2 brothers ignored him, but I got to know the REAL him. What made him the so called "monster" I thought he was. He was actually quite the opposite. I moved to California thru a job transfer. He was supposed to move in with me that October. His brother found him dead of a massive heart attack. I am very grateful I got to make amends and make peace with him. My other brothers didn't. They don't seem bothered at all. That's fine. To me I think everyday could be the last.
My conclusion: Seeing someone for the last time, for me, is like having a photograph or video that is with you evrywhere you go, in your mind for the rest of your life. So every "Ok, see ya later" or "I love You" could be the last. Never be at odds with anyone. Make peace and never go away mad. You may live to regret it.
My husband did the same thing. I knew why and what he was doing but it still frightened, shocked and saddened me. That look in his eyes still haunts me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am
Elle, this is an old thread that was resurrected when Grief became it's own forum a while back. Old threads that were scattered throughout C-D were pulled into one forum and we are ever so grateful to the Administrator for giving us this place to talk. You may find many older threads sprinkled throughout, but they have lots of useful information.
A big thank you from me too, Admin! Just when I needed a place to talk. I feel if it hadn't been for this forum, I would have gone off the deep end.
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