Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know - sometimes losing a loved one makes you reevaluate your life. Maybe your aunt realizes how much she misses your father and it made her realize that she misses her relationship with you, too. While she can't do anything about missing your father - she can do something about missing you.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father 9 years ago and I still miss him terribly. You're right - it's not something that you can get over - but it is something that you can get through.
Take time responding to her emails. Let a few days go by and then keep them not necessarily TOO short but only addressing the emotional parts briefly. When she goes off on long meandering spells, just regard them as her way of venting and say something along the lines of, "Yes, it's hard", and change the subject to something a little more cheerful.
I'm sorry for your loss and know how difficult such things can be. I'm guessing your aunt doesn't have anyone else much to talk through her grief with. Be there as an ear for her as much as you can but just keep it all in perspective and don't get sucked in. Good luck!
I think you are right about my aunt. Her mother, my grandmother, is not very outwardly emotional at all and I get the distinct impression if they have discussed my dad dying at all.....well.....my aunt hasn't received much support from her mom. My grandfather is far more emotional but his wife doesn't tolerate that well and shuts him down. My uncles are decent people but it's doubtful they provide much support to her, it's not their forte'. Both sides of my family.....there is a lot of estrangement, grudges....I could go on. It's a lonely existence there, dad or mom's side.
I don't know - sometimes losing a loved one makes you reevaluate your life. Maybe your aunt realizes how much she misses your father and it made her realize that she misses her relationship with you, too. While she can't do anything about missing your father - she can do something about missing you.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father 9 years ago and I still miss him terribly. You're right - it's not something that you can get over - but it is something that you can get through.
Yes, I have considered this too. She speaks often of not spending a lot of time with my dad after she married in the early 90's.....she seems to be regretful. She and I have only lived 30 minutes apart for years and while I reached out to her initially (once we lived in closer proximity), I didn't get much response and I let it go after awhile. I'm going to see how it goes this time but take baby steps.
I don't know - sometimes losing a loved one makes you reevaluate your life. Maybe your aunt realizes how much she misses your father and it made her realize that she misses her relationship with you, too. While she can't do anything about missing your father - she can do something about missing you.
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father 9 years ago and I still miss him terribly. You're right - it's not something that you can get over - but it is something that you can get through.
I think this is right. She may also feel as since he is a part of you, you are her connection to him. I think that's how some of my family feels too. Especially since i've been told since i was a kid that i look just like my mom.
Yes, I have considered this too. She speaks often of not spending a lot of time with my dad after she married in the early 90's.....she seems to be regretful. She and I have only lived 30 minutes apart for years and while I reached out to her initially (once we lived in closer proximity), I didn't get much response and I let it go after awhile. I'm going to see how it goes this time but take baby steps.
I never knew how much I would miss my dad .
Hang in there! It does get easier - although now that we just had a baby, I miss my dad even more. But the way I miss him now is in a much "happier" way than the way I missed him in the beginning - if that makes any sense. I can think of him and smile sometimes - I don't always cry.
I think this is right. She may also feel as since he is a part of you, you are her connection to him. I think that's how some of my family feels too. Especially since i've been told since i was a kid that i look just like my mom.
You could be right for sure, and interestingly, I don't look exactly like my dad but I do resemble his sister and mother a lot (I don't look like my mom at all). However, my dad and me have very similar personalities and as they have told me, "eerily so."
Hang in there! It does get easier - although now that we just had a baby, I miss my dad even more. But the way I miss him now is in a much "happier" way than the way I missed him in the beginning - if that makes any sense. I can think of him and smile sometimes - I don't always cry.
......do all the relatives who come out of the woodwork (ones you've barely seen/talked to in years) telling you how much they love and care for you, etc really mean it? Or is it just the grief talking?
My dad passed away this past fall. His sister has been communicating a great deal with me since that time. Prior to this, our usual communication consisted of her sending out her annual Christmas letter. My dad's family engages in a lot of flaky behavior. A lot of empty promises, occasional lying, a lot of drinking, and not a lot of effort. They're not terrible people but I think the excessive drinking has become part of a family dynamic for them that turns me off.
My aunt now emails me, a lot. Many of these emails are quite emotional. None of which is too surprising given my dad's death. However, most of her emotional stuff is directed at me. How much she loves me, how close we once were (we are separated in age by only 12 years; she's 52, I'm 40). I am also the only child of one of her older brothers who she happened to idolize. So I wonder, how much of this is grief (and/or how much she's had to drink) and how much of this is really about her and I?
I don't trust my dad's family too much.....they've been unreliable for as far back as I can remember. I've always tried to keep my expectations low with them because of things that have happened. I am genuinely very hesitant to get close to these folks. Their level of drinking also concerns me.
Since I've not been through this death and grieving experience with a relative as close as a parent in the past, how does one best sort through all of this and know what's real? For years, a decade or two even, I've barely heard from her and now all these emotional things she's saying to me.....it's hard to take seriously. Also, the last few times I've seen her she's been anywhere from drank a little too much to stumbling after one too many....one of these times at 9am . I drink but not often and rarely ever to excess and I know this part of my family, drinking is pretty much a part of almost everything they do. Anywhere from a pastime to a coping mechanism. Not judging, we just don't have a lot in common that way.
Generally speaking, could what she's saying/doing now just be part of her grieving process.....and therefore this may just come to pass? Do I just see how it plays out over time....meaning, seeing if an ongoing effort is made or not?
Why be petty and captious about matters? People have busy lives and distance forms between members of even the closest of families. As you make your own way in the world sometimes you go a month or two before communicating with a brother or sister. Heck, my mother lives five miles from me and I see her perhaps once every two months. She and her boyfriend have a busier life that we do.
So when death comes into a family, it has a way of disrupting the texture of our lives. And people like your aunt jerk themselves out of their routine and seek ways to knit things back together. It's a normal impulse and not a bad thing at all. So quit worrying about matters and look upon it as a way to more fully know a family member with whom you've not had much time to know before.
Why be petty and captious about matters? People have busy lives and distance forms between members of even the closest of families. As you make your own way in the world sometimes you go a month or two before communicating with a brother or sister. Heck, my mother lives five miles from me and I see her perhaps once every two months. She and her boyfriend have a busier life that we do.
So when death comes into a family, it has a way of disrupting the texture of our lives. And people like your aunt jerk themselves out of their routine and seek ways to knit things back together. It's a normal impulse and not a bad thing at all. So quit worrying about matters and look upon it as a way to more fully know a family member with whom you've not had much time to know before.
Respectfully, I'm not being petty at all. There have been things that have happened over the course of 40 years that consist of much more than going a month or two without speaking. Those things are not anything I have any desire to post on a public forum - they are a whole different topic altogether and painful for me to rehash. While it is a normal impulse to get back in touch, I have had some more distant relatives wonder why I bother with them. Believe me, there's more to this than routines and time passing. I posted the least of my concerns, the rest is too personal.
However, I'm trying to make an effort because I believe people deserve a chance....and I'll see how it goes.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.
. I drink but not often and rarely ever to excess and I know this part of my family, drinking is pretty much a part of almost everything they do. Anywhere from a pastime to a coping mechanism. Not judging, we just don't have a lot in common that way.
