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If you have any private doubts about this aunt.. speaking with her more frequently will either squash those doubts, maybe she's more reliable and REAL now.. maybe not.
More than anything look over your shoulder at what you know about them, and ask yourself if it is hard to detach if that same behavior arrives again.
If the coast looks clear, then trust the future.
......do all the relatives who come out of the woodwork (ones you've barely seen/talked to in years) telling you how much they love and care for you, etc really mean it? Or is it just the grief talking?
My dad passed away this past fall. His sister has been communicating a great deal with me since that time. Prior to this, our usual communication consisted of her sending out her annual Christmas letter. My dad's family engages in a lot of flaky behavior. A lot of empty promises, occasional lying, a lot of drinking, and not a lot of effort. They're not terrible people but I think the excessive drinking has become part of a family dynamic for them that turns me off.
My aunt now emails me, a lot. Many of these emails are quite emotional. None of which is too surprising given my dad's death. However, most of her emotional stuff is directed at me. How much she loves me, how close we once were (we are separated in age by only 12 years; she's 52, I'm 40). I am also the only child of one of her older brothers who she happened to idolize. So I wonder, how much of this is grief (and/or how much she's had to drink) and how much of this is really about her and I?
I don't trust my dad's family too much.....they've been unreliable for as far back as I can remember. I've always tried to keep my expectations low with them because of things that have happened. I am genuinely very hesitant to get close to these folks. Their level of drinking also concerns me.
Since I've not been through this death and grieving experience with a relative as close as a parent in the past, how does one best sort through all of this and know what's real? For years, a decade or two even, I've barely heard from her and now all these emotional things she's saying to me.....it's hard to take seriously. Also, the last few times I've seen her she's been anywhere from drank a little too much to stumbling after one too many....one of these times at 9am . I drink but not often and rarely ever to excess and I know this part of my family, drinking is pretty much a part of almost everything they do. Anywhere from a pastime to a coping mechanism. Not judging, we just don't have a lot in common that way.
Generally speaking, could what she's saying/doing now just be part of her grieving process.....and therefore this may just come to pass? Do I just see how it plays out over time....meaning, seeing if an ongoing effort is made or not?
I think they mean it. The problem is that people are often busy and whatever made you and them stop communicating very much before will creep in again.
You might start out emailing often. Then start running out of things to write. Or one day you're too busy to answer, but you answer a few days later, and she's too busy that day but answers a week later, and it begins to dwindle.
If you have any private doubts about this aunt.. speaking with her more frequently will either squash those doubts, maybe she's more reliable and REAL now.. maybe not.
More than anything look over your shoulder at what you know about them, and ask yourself if it is hard to detach if that same behavior arrives again.
If the coast looks clear, then trust the future.
I think it would be easier to detach at this point than it ever was in the past. Having already been there and deciding now to take it slowly, knowing what the possibilities are....if it doesn't work out I won't be too broken up about it.
[quote=malamute;22363266]I think they mean it. The problem is that people are often busy and whatever made you and them stop communicating very much before will creep in again.
You might start out emailing often. Then start running out of things to write. Or one day you're too busy to answer, but you answer a few days later, and she's too busy that day but answers a week later, and it begins to dwindle.[/quote]
The email dwindle is a definite possibility.....email sort of wears me out anyway but I'm trying for the sake of. Neither of us like the phone either. I work long hours and so does she, last thing I want to do is spend hours on the phone. I have a FB account but don't use it much, same for her. I have made an effort to attend more family events over the recent holidays than I normally would. Christmas Eve was spent at her house and that went ok.
It sounds like you know its more likely to fizzle out than re-build a bond?
It has fizzled out already with one of my uncles and his wife. Interestingly, this was the uncle who called me the day before dad died to let me know my dad had just been taken to the hospital. This uncle and my dad lived a short distance apart and he was the first person the hospital could track down. The hospital had tried calling me at work and on my cell but I had been in a meeting most of that afternoon and had no idea. My aunt was also unavailable that day.
My grandparents were a non-starter to begin with (a whole other story). With my aunt it's an unknown right now but trying to give it a chance.
So, tell us, do you like your aunt.. is she someone you feel you can trust your private conversations with.. or is she close to other family members you don't particularly care for, and perhaps she may not be as discretionary with your conversations, or worse.. you may have to sit with them all at the next backyard BBQ.
This sounds negative, I apologize.. just reflecting ahead for you.
I don't trust my dad's family too much.....they've been unreliable for as far back as I can remember. I've always tried to keep my expectations low with them because of things that have happened. I am genuinely very hesitant to get close to these folks. Their level of drinking also concerns me.
I'm curious...I don't think you've mentioned your mother in all of this. Is she still alive? Do you have a relationship with her? Does she have any kind of relationship with your father's side of the family?
It's all about the guilt. People feel bad in the moment. Bad that they haven't taken the time and energy to share more of themselves with people who aren't going to be around forever. Sad that they didn't visit Aunt Harriet more or send cards or a small gift every once in a while. They also see a not so pretty picture of their own mortality and hope others will treat them better than they treated their elders.
I'm curious...I don't think you've mentioned your mother in all of this. Is she still alive? Do you have a relationship with her? Does she have any kind of relationship with your father's side of the family?
Yes, she is still alive. My parents have been divorced since the 70's. My mom is not close to anyone in my dad's family....the last time she saw or spoke to any of them was in 1995 (wedding, my current husband). Both sides of the family couldn't wait to see my parents sharing the same general space.....a cousin of mine once said I could have sold tickets to the event there was so much anticipation . To say their divorce was ugly is a vast understatement.
There are good reasons for eloping....we should have chose that instead.
Anyhow, mom is not close to anyone in her own family. Like all of us, she has issues. She has not seen her grandchildren in years, speaks to no one in her extended family, and we don't have a good relationship.....in that it's non-existent. She is on her 4th or 5th marriage and lives many states away.
She has not been a source of support and the most she has said to anyone is she is "glad the SOB is dead." I truly believe for whatever reason, she has no ability to be there for others.
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. I drink but not often and rarely ever to excess and I know this part of my family, drinking is pretty much a part of almost everything they do. Anywhere from a pastime to a coping mechanism. Not judging, we just don't have a lot in common that way.
. To say their divorce was ugly is a vast understatement.
