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There is a Jewish ritual I like very much. The mirrors in the home of the deceased are covered so the family should not see themselves in a time of grief. Gifts of fresh fruit and candy are taken to the family to "sweeten the bitterness of death" because flowers are for the living.
I lost a child; a second has cancer. I lost parents and my spouse. I lost my child suddenly. I grieved for for 30 years before it stopped hurting to think of him. This is much different than watching an adult child writhe in intense pain while death comes slowly, or watch a spouse with many medical issues die a day at a time over several years. It does not feel the same as when a young child is snatched out of your life. .
So, are you saying that the child's death was more painful to you than that of the adult child writhing in intense pain, suffering a slow death, or the slow death of a spouse?
I wish everyone could just mourn for 4 days and nights and then move on. That would be a tremendous relief to people who suffer from grief for years or decades. I'm curious how you can turn off the grief after only 4 days? That's amazing!
My mother always told me, "life is for the living. The dead don't see your grief and don't care." I have never (yet) lost anyone truly close to me, but I will endeavor to grieve for a reasonable period and then try to move on. .....
Your mother has an excellent point. The dead are not helped by our lamenting, and carried to excess we are simply hurting ourselves by it.
Obviously, we remember many past events even as we live our present, and to remember the dead doesn't strike me as unhealthy at all, but life is about the daily events of living. It includes our relations and obligations to others, and if grief seriously sidetracks those for more than a week or two, my own feeling is that it is a problem. I believe our focus should be on the present and the give and take of our daily lives, and gratitude for those around us from the unknown person who stocks the shelves from which we take our evening meal or our best friend, spouse, parent.
What do I owe the living, I think, is the core of life.
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Well personally I think it's nice to remember people with happy thoughts as well, rather than just forgetting someone. To me that seems worse, as if you're turning your back on them.
its a lucky person indeed who has a tap they can turn off at will after a few days grieving and forget... grieving shouldnt be for show or to prove your caring for someione, it should come from inside and be genuine..
One-two weeks is not nearly enough time to grieve either a child or spouse. It is also not a problem if you grieve for longer. That's my opinion.
Most of my grieving is inside now but there have been occasions where I start to cry when someone has touched a nerve. I make no apologies for doing so either. Like last week a friend had a roll of film developed for me and handed me the pics. Last one was of my hubby! Talk about a shock! I just broke down. I don't have many pics of him, he hated his picture being taken and this was an excellent one. He was healthy and handsome.
Well second right. I kinda got it from a couple of places mostly Native American religion from different tribes.
You grieve for four days then not say that name. It keeps the spirit from going on, instead they think they are still needed here and will stay to make sure their people are o.k.
Are you NA? I don't believe there is a spirit. When you die you die. I've never heard of any evidence of a spirit other than wishful thinking, so I'm not really sure what could possibly be held back by missing someone who no longer exists.
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The constant grieving over someone is not productive, you are only hurting yourself. The dead ones have left this life and on their path to where ever.
Says who, exactly? The expert death police? Your approach to life and death is only good for you. As long as nobody is bothering you then I don't see why you must wag your finger and people who have no interest in approaching life and death as you do.
everyone has their beliefs and ways of dealing with things, life, death, ...whatever works for you. I do think that someone who clings to grief for years on end is not only hurtng themselves but also everyone around them. How can your spouse or kids or friends be happy while you sit and mope and fight off any good things in life because you feel you need to sit in the past and hold on to someone who's no longer here. Letting them go is also part of grief. Grief is a process and everyone needs their own time to work through it, but to stand still for years of tears is not benefitting anyone. Remembering them with fondness is a totally different thing IMO. How can you forget someone you cared about ever lived?
I just don't understand the point in dictating how other people should grieve. Everybody has their own way and given that, there is no one or right way.
Last edited by Sam I Am; 07-05-2012 at 02:55 AM..
Reason: there/their/Sam - orphaned
When I was six my best friend died. I did not know he was ill.
I awoke that day as I had every day he was in my life. I ran to his crib to wake him and found it empty. Not knowing or understanding what it could mean, I went downstairs. My mother was on the phone, crying unrestrained. I asked her, where was my baby brother? She more or less pushed me aside and went back to bed.
The next days were a mist in time, none of it made sense. Whenever I tried to talk to someone they mumbled nonsense and pushed me aside. No one was able to tell me what was happening.
When I was sent back to school my first grade teacher asked me to come up to her desk, she said in a very nice tone, "I'm so sorry for your loss". I asked what did she mean? She answered "the death of your brother." It was the first time it had been put into words. I went back to my desk and just sat there: Why did she have to be the one to tell me; in this puplic place?
When I got home from school that day my mother was removing everything that had any association of him, all pictures toys, anything, everything. That was her way of dealing with her pain.
It took me many many years to work it out. To finally be able to say goodbye to the most beloved person in my childhood.
Yes, dealing with the loss of a loved one is a subjective experience. It's unique each time. There is no way to ready yourself for it, even if you know it's short in coming.
I personally don't follow a belief system handed down by those before me.
In this life my very first memory was how I died in the "last" life before this. And although it may sound contrived, I know that we DO "live" on in some form or reality. This holds little or no comfort in our parting in this life/reality.
I have never been good at goodbyes, so I say SO Long my friend, we'll meet again most likely as the sun will rise tomorrow.
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